Question:
My parent is a hoarder, I can't have friends over and it is causing many problems with our family. How can I help? What can I do?

Here is some advice sent in from site visitors...

Sent in by an adult daughter, 4/08:

When I was 14, I was in the same situation.  Having a hoarding parent can destroy our teen years if we let the shame and isolation take over.  You cannot necessarily change your mom, but you can choose to keep your room clean, have a nice path on the way cleared, and choose to entertain people who you trust, knowing that it may shock them to pass thru her stuff on the way to your room. 

It is important not to be ashamed because it is not your problem, it is hers.  It is not you who are to blame.  If you ask them ahead of time if they prefer not to come over if her mess would bother them, agree to meet elsewhere.  If you are not comfortable with a person coming into your space because they may tell others and start a bad buzz at school, just don't bring it up.  YOu can tell people that your mom is sick and you are not able to have guests right now, and if they push for details, say you prefer not to discuss it right now, but you will be happy to meet them at another location.

People pry when they suspect there is something different about you or your family, but that does not mean it is their business.  Learn to have answers that do not invite more questions when they want to know "why why why" about everything.  YOu re entitled to have your privacy and dignity at school.  If your relatives ask, you can tell them flat out, "She seems to have a problem buying lots of stuff and never throwing things away, and it makes our living quarters too cramped to entertain at home."  Maybe they can intervene, or let you spend more time at their places. 

My grandparents saved my teen years by giving me a place to get away from it all. If she is like most hoarders, secrecy is a huge issue, and she would consider you disloyal if you "told" someone, so make sure the relatives know this too, so they don't say, "Kelly told us...."  You are entitled to a clean and safe home. 

There are actual fire hazards and health hazards with a hoard.  My mom ignored those warnings.  Yours probably will unless she is made to comply.  So enlist the help of caring relatives, see if they can pressure her, and if not, you may eventually have to report her yourself.  All that failing, just keep in mind that you are not her, you don't deserve to live in the shadow of her problems. and you can still have a fun and fulfilling young life even if she NEVER stops this behavior. 

Sent in 4/28:

message:
As difficult as it may be, she needs to get out.

If there is a trusted relative or good friend she can live with, that would be best in the long run. Depending on how bad it is, I'd almost say foster care might be better.

There is much in between the lines of her short note. "Causing problems in the family" could mean many things and none of them are good. She specifically says, "my parent" so it is probably a one parent home. Given the courts favor mothers 90% of the time, it is a good bet the hoarder is her mother.

"problems" might mean the father trying to force the mother to clean up. Your comments on the right to a clean room don't go far enough. If the rest of the house, kitchen, bath, etc is a pig sty, she can't escape the environmental aspects. She will likely have respiratory problems and the emotional side for a teen can impact the most important years of her life.

The "loyalty' thing you mentioned is almost certain to apply. The girl is probably torn between love and or loyalty for her mother and perhaps others (father). Loyalty is nothing but blackmail. If the mother isn't "loyal" enough to provide a decent place for her, she doesn't deserve loyalty in return.

Yes, I feel strongly about this and have little sympathy for the parent (whom I assume to be the mother). It will be a heartbreaking decision to leave (if she is able) but better in the long term from a physical and mental health perspective.

Additional comment:
I think you should create a section for children who currently live in he** to ask questions and share their stories.
Sent To Children Of Hoarders- Date and Time: Mon, 28 Apr 2008

4/29/08:

My advice to a 14 yr. old is: Hoarding is her issue and you are not in a position of power right now, so surround yourself with normal friends who have a normal place where you can hang out...A LOT. You are a perfect age to take hold of your future and create the life that is yours. Finding great role models is important, as your mom may not be there for you. Look at teachers, other parents, friends who are going places and pay attention! First, you are entering High School and can get good grades to get into a good college. Seven kids, no funds, you say? Think Community College and transfer to a great college with FAFSA (financial aid). A part time job will also help give you power, independence, and self esteem. You are already self reliant, so please realize how special you are and know you can make the world a better place; starting with your life! Sending you success vibes already :)

4/29/08:
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I agree with the previous poster who mentioned living with another family member. If the situation is out of control and not livable for the child, someone has to intervene for the best. If there is no family members living nearby, perhaps the parents of a good friend will understand that what is going on and allow the child to stay with them.

4/29/08:
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Wow, you must be a pretty smart young lady to find us and post your question. I don't know a whole lot of 14 year olds that would have the courage to ask for that kind of help from strangers on a website.

You are one of 7 kids, and are 14. My hunch is that you're one of the oldest, or maybe the oldest girl. You have some really serious decisions to make. The biggest question is whether you need to tell someone how bad the hoard is. If it's bad enough, the house could get condemned, and your family would have to move out until it's cleaned up enough to move back in. Some hoarders will do the cleaning that is needed, and some just fall apart and walk away.

So how do you make that decision? Is the house dangerous? Are you and your brothers and sisters getting colds all the time? Is the air hard to breathe? Do you see mold on the walls, especially in the basement? All these are signs of a really bad problem, and I would definitely say you need to tell someone.

Are there bugs or rodents all over the house? Do you have trouble sleeping because a bug might run over your face at night? I would say you need to tell someone.

Is the house dangerous to walk in? Do you have to walk on top of a bunch of papers, and they slide under your feet a lot so you always feel like you're about to fall down? I would say you need to tell someone.

If it isn't that bad, then you may still decide that you need to tell someone, but it's because you and your brothers and sisters are miserable and being taken out of the house is better than being there. That's a really difficult decision to make, and I don't know enough to even give you a suggestion about what to do. You mentioned other relatives that can't come over. If you have to leave the house, could they take care of you and the other kids?

If you decided that it isn't dangerous enough or miserable enough to tell someone and take that risk, then what do you do to survive? If you're 14 then you're 4 years from being able to leave on your own. I would encourage you to devote every moment of your day to working on getting yourself ready to leave.

What does that mean? Study harder than any other kid in school. Do everything you can to get yourself in a position to get college scholarships. They give college scholarships to kids who are just plain smart. You don't have to be a great athlete to get a scholarship. If you are a great athlete, that's all the better, but you still need the grades. Your parents probably aren't spending a lot of time telling you what a great kid you are. So you need to start telling yourself that. And tell yourself that a lot. 50 times a day isn't too many. Even if you don't feel like it's true. You are gutsy enough to look for help. You are smart enough to have found a place where people understand. You are caring enough to be concerned about getting your family help. You have a lot going for you, the most important stuff is in your favor.

If the big decision is to tell someone how bad the house is, then here are some important things to do first. Take pictures of the house. Sometimes parents get warned about someone coming to inspect the house and they do a clean up and when the inspectors get there it doesn't look as bad as it really was. If you have a cell phone with a camera, take pictures all over the house, especially the worst parts. Try to remember that you are doing this for the other kids. You've already decided that the house isn't safe.

Make sure someone other than you, that you can trust, has copies of the pictures. If you have two people you can trust, that's even better. Give them both copies.

So once you have pictures of the house, the next question is who can you tell that would make a difference. A councilor at your school is probably a really good choice. You might ask a teacher if they could help you talk to a councilor. If you want to sort of find out what might happen without actually telling someone that the pictures are your house, you can tell the councilor that "My friend" lives in a really messy house. It's really bad and it smells bad. What would happen to "My friend" if she told you how bad the house is. The councilor will know that you aren't asking about a "friend", but it gives the two of you the chance to talk about it without actually talking about it. I hope you know what I mean.

Let me say one more time that I think that you are one amazing young lady. Whatever you do, you made the best choice you could with the best information you could get. No matter what happens, your reasons for doing whatever you end up doing are pure. You are trying to protect yourself and the other kids. That is incredibly brave and noble.

Parents are supposed to provide a safe place for their kids to live. It doesn't sound like that has happened for you. But it is NOT your or your brothers and sisters fault. You and the other kids deserve better than your parents have done for you. Your heart will tell you the right thing to do. Lastly, it's easy for some of us COH to spend our lives feeling like the victim. Try not to do that. You are NOT a victim, you are a survivor!!!!!

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