COH: February's Trait

COH Takin' Out The Trash: February's Adult Trait

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." -- by Margery Williams, from The Velveteen Rabbit --

-Sent in by a site visitor, 2/3/08 (thank you!)

Not Feeling "Real"

Note:
If you find yourself identifying with adult traits of dysfunction,
the biggest, most important thing for you to know is:
YOU AREN'T A "BAD" PERSON BECAUSE YOU CAN IDENTIFY WITH IT.

On the contrary, you are an incredible person with the ability and
desire to look at yourself objectively and the willingness to make a
few adjustments so that you can be happier, stronger, and more
balanced. So remember:
"Not BAD, but wonderfully aware – and getting better all the time!"
Now pat yourself on your back & high-five
yourself!

Awareness is a beautiful thing – and it's what we do with it that
will define our (adult) experiences here, right?!

~~~~Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.~~~~
-Karen Kaiser Clark

Not Feeling "Real"

It seems there are many COH who, as adults, don't feel "entitled" to,
or know how to go about getting the real-life things that seem to us
SHOULD come with adulthood like marriage, traditional experiences, a
family of our own, career success, financial abundance, etc.

For us COH who feel this way, why don't we feel "real?"
Why do our thoughts speak to us with the message that we are unworthy
and undeserving of those things?

The article below presents a commonsense idea about why someone would
develop core feelings of unworthiness. If you accept what the author
is saying, then perhaps we can change our feelings of unworthiness by
changing our definition of "worth" for ourselves. If we have a real
sense of worth and sense of value for ourselves...maybe that's the
first step in feeling..."real?"
Why not give it a try?

The Need To Feel Worthy
By Kimberly Fulcher

I believe the need to feel worthy is the most predominantly debilitating requirement in today's society. It is also the desire that is least often addressed or satisfied.

Let me start by saying:
You are perfect just as you are. I'd like to say that one more time.
You are perfect, just as you are.

Are you able to accept that statement, or do you resist it?
Does it bring tears to your eyes?

That's not uncommon. I've met very few women who had full faith in
their own worthiness. Those who have possessed that self-assurance
had done so only after much soul searching and self-care.

Every situation you've lived through has made you the person you are
today, and **there is purpose to your experience.***

While it's true there is room for improvement in all of our lives,
the most damaging thoughts you can buy into are those that tell you
that you're broken and must fix yourself. That's just not true. You
are not broken and, while we can all benefit from self-improvement
and self-care, there is nothing about you that needs to be fixed.

It's probable you encountered conditional acceptance as a child. I've
never encountered anyone who didn't. You could have had these
experiences at home, at school, or within your community. As you
matured, you learned that you would be accepted if you followed the
rules of those you sought acceptance from. At home, you may have been
required to follow your parents' rules. At school, your teacher had a
list of expectations for your behavior, and your classmates likely
had rules of their own.

When you were accepted by the people in each of these environments,
you learned that you were okay. Each time you experienced rejection
or were punished, you learned that a part of you was not acceptable.
This process taught you that you were only conditionally worthy.
Were you ever told that you were a bad girl? Each time you heard
those words, your feeling of worthiness was diminished. Were you ever
told that you weren't special enough to be part of a group, such as
the popular crowd at school? Again, each rejection reduced your sense
of worthiness.

If you received enough of these messages throughout your life, which
is quite common, your belief in your deservingness likely needs to be
improved upon.

I have seen so many individuals struggle with deeply held questions
related to their personal value. These individuals, driven to prove
their worth, have pursued success at any cost—amassing substantial
material wealth, achieving high social stature, and excelling in
specialized skills, only to find that nothing they accomplish fills
the empty hole in their spirit. Ultimately, these individuals sought
an external source to tell them that they were okay. Yet, no matter
how much external validation they received, they weren't able to
accept acknowledgement because they didn't personally believe in
their own value.

I want more than that for you! You can take control of your feelings
of worth and increase your sense of personal value.

Stop the negative self talk! Whenever you catch yourself putting yourself down STOP immediately. Don't think about it too much, just STOP it! And don't accept it from other people either. Don't say "yea, you're right I am bla bla" Disagree! Redirect the focus back to the problem and off the value judgment. If you can't disagree at least
DO NOT AGREE.
-Sent in by a visitor, 2/7/08

How do you currently define your worth?

Is it based on someone else's "conditions?"

How would you like to re-define your sense of worth for yourself?

Since you may judge yourself harshly and/or think you are of little
value, it might help to try thinking about how you would determine
the worth of a hypothetical friend or small child.

The theme song for the month is:
"A Voice Within," Christina Aguilera

Your favorite quotes that help with this trait:

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
(George Bernard Shaw)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.
(Dr. Seuss)

Think you can't change the world?
Too late, you already have. It was changed for the better the minute you were born. There are more people than you can imagine who will never be the same because they came in contact with you,
if only for a fleeting moment.
(Gail Purcell Elliott)

So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half- asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get
meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.
(Morrie Schwartz)

Accepting what others see as your strengths is crucial to your continued growth. Compliments are a gift. They are an opportunity for you and another person to connect in a powerful, positive way. How
did you handle the last compliment directed at you? Did you accept it?
(Rhonda Britten)