COH: January's Trait

Isolation, fear of people

Many of us grew up not letting "people in" and that mind-set has carried into our adulthoods.

Positive Aspect:
Because we are so selective with who we "let in" we are very loyal friends to the ones we've got.
We've got quality over quantity right here!

Some people just plain enjoy being alone-they like their own company, and don't need to have a ton of people in their life to feel complete.

However, let's make sure those of us who like solitude have a healthy balance so we are still "connected" with others too. Relationships with others are the "spice of life," they are the things that matter the most.

In the first month of this New Year we are going to focus on how some of us:
*Isolate ourselves from other people.*

Take time to reach out to others;it will give your life significance.
- Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D.

If you do isolate yourself, you are doing it because you are getting a need met.
Think about what *needs" are you getting met by isolating yourself from others, and how is that costing you?

EXAMPLE:

Is your need being met to...
Prevent pain of being rejected? (the need is really to feel safe/accepted)
To avoid judgement by others? (the need is really to feel safe/accepted)

No sense of companionship
(which meets the need to feel safe/accepted)

No sense of community
(which meets the need to feel safe/accepted and to be available to meet that same need for others)

Here the cost is actually what the person wanted to begin with! Is there a better, more effective, more fun, and wonderful way to meet the need to feel safe and accepted?

Does one really end up feeling safe and accepted by doing things the way they are now?

Are you open to trying out new ways (maybe even some really wonderful ones you create on your personal journey) to discover getting the same needs met?

1. If I isolate myself, turn down invitations, or don't actively seek out ways to spend my time with other people I don't have to worry about being "on" or being witty or entertaining. I prefer to be alone with my thoughts, but actually, my thoughts are unproductive because that's all I do- think.

2. If I stay away from people, then I don't have to worry about them getting "mad" at me for something I do/say. Need met: Then I don't have to worry about another person "out there" being upset with me as something to obsess about in my head.
Another need met: if I stay away, I don't risk disappointing anyone if I don't live up to anything positive about me they may thought or heard I am like, or how "fun" I ^^used^^ to be. I also stay away because I am not proud of what I have done with my life, sort of like a "failure" in my head, and don't want to be judged by those who are in a more successful spot than I am. I am also worried about being rejected or the recipient of anger for not keeping in touch if I DO reach out to those I have lost touch with, so that need is to avoid rejection and confrontation.
Cost: Obsessive thoughts about how upset people are with me for not staying in touch and being a good friend back when they cared which just make me feel worse and does no good. Lack of friendships and people in my life. Biggest cost is probably relentlessly beating myself up over it all, which makes me want to hide more.

3. NeedsCost = When I isolate myself by working alone from home I meet several needs:
1) I don't have to deal with other people's issues;
2) I avoid potential face-to-face conflict; and
3) I can do things my way without interference.

While these all help me work more efficiently,
1) I prevent myself from developing friendships with coworkers;
2) I'm not intellectually challenged by opposing viewpoints; and
3) I'm doing *exactly* what I'm irritated at my hoarding parent for!

I don't want to lose my autonomy, but this month I am looking for part-time work in an office with other people so I can consciously work on these issues. I want to be more tolerant of other people instead of actively avoiding social interaction. Maybe someday I might even be considered outgoing!

4. 2/17/08:
NeedsCost = Less anxiety, fear of rejection, judgement and anger related to those. Missing out on having a normal life.

Is it safer to stay away, than it is to...engage?
What are you afraid of? Is it rejection?

You know you are a good person and have a lot to offer, why are you denying other people your presence?
People want your *company*, not your *perfection.* It's ok to just "be."

Worried you'll say something you'll regret or will make you sound stupid? (guest anxiety help)
You won't.

Worried you will have to reciprocate if you make friends or reach out and you don't want that obligation? Remember what we mentioned earlier...relationships with *people* are the spice of life. They are the things that matter the most.

Reciprocation doesn't have to be this big huge deal-
Try to think of it as an pleasant thing, a gift to YOU because you are getting a need met, that doesn't have to be painful or drudgery at all.

You might not even *have* to reciprocate all the time!
In some cases, receiving something graciously is a gift in itself to the person who gave it. Your gracious receiving of a gift/experience/helping hand may be all that is needed. Who knows? Maybe the person just wanted to feel needed...an equal reciprocation might negate that gift. It makes people feel good to help others when they can. (We COH know that!)

A few suggestions-but you are the captain of this ship and will be the best judge what is the right step for you right now-as long as it is, a step!...

So ask that co-worker out for lunch that you have sort of wanted to, but didn't dare!
You are going to bond!

Get in touch with that old friend you have been avoiding and forget about all the excuses why it's not the "right time." It is the Best Time! They WANT to hear from you.
Not your laundry list of success and riches-just_YOU.

Maybe a step for you is to walk over to that other parent at your kids school/sporting/whatever
event and just ask them how *they* are. Start there.
Saying "hi" is better than saying nothing at all.
You tried and can feel good about that!

A step to breaking out of isolating for you might mean a phone call to an old friend you've been avoiding. Take a deep breath, dial. Be brave! They are going to be happy to hear from you. Not about how fabulous and perfect everything is going for you, but just from....YOU.
You matter to people.

Maybe a step for you is going out and getting a card for someone you want to reach out to.
Who was the first person you thought of when you read that sentence?
Okay, now go out there and get them a card!

You could break it down-
Week 1
Go find a card. That's all, nothing else.

Week 2:
Find their address and write out the envelope. That's all.

Week 3:
Think about what you want to say.
Don't think about all the "confessing" and apologizing you want to do for all the
non-communications and all the blame you want to take on for it.

Think about a few short sentences you just want them to know.
Don't obsess about this!! Just quick and casual, let them know you are thinking of them.

Write that short note in the card, or wait to do it next week.
Don't worry about how your handwriting looks either-they are just going
to be happy to hear from you, not analyze your penmenship!

Week 4:
Write in the card your short note if you haven't already. Put the stamp on it.
Put in mailbox.

CONGRATULATIONS!
You will have reached out to someone this month and took a great step!
Reward yourself, it probably wasn't the easiest thing to do for you, was it?
But you did.

"ACOA’s are burdened with a very low sense of self-respect, no matter how competent they may be."
-source

The theme song for the month is:
"Roll With The Changes" REO Speedwagon
"If you're tired of the same, old story, turn some pages..."

Only YOU can write your life story. Don't like the direction your storyline is going? Then turn the page and start writing a new chapter! Add more characters-you can't write a story without enough characters can you?!

The motto/mantra for the month is:

"I love people, and people love ME!! I am confident and I can DO this!"

Recommended books for helping with this:
(use the anon. form below, or post in the group)

Suggested Reading (so far):

Stinking Thinking, by Robert Burney M.A.
The Perils of Black & White Thinking, by Dr. Ginger Blume

Your Steps, Tools, Tips or Comments About January's Trait: Isolation/Fear of People

1. When among other people I consciously tell myself to relax and listen. I do not need to have something witty to say in response to what I'm hearing. I do not have to solve the problem being explained to me. I am not the Fixer. I do not have to be the Harmonizer. My presense CAN be enough. I make myself sit and focus rather than flit and flutter nervously while thinking about my response. AND when I talk, I try to slooow down and paint complete pictures rather than paraphrase as I used to when I worried that I was taking too much time talking about myself. Conversation is a dance of give and take and I try to keep that in mind and give and take in equal measure.

2. Someone told me once that if you just listen, and let people talk about themselves, they are going to feel so much closer to you because they shared a part of themself with you. That people generally like to talk about themselves-so let them and your job will be easier. So I try to do that, and not make it MY job to keep the conversation going out of nervousness.

3.
1/4/08: Steps I took today-I actually picked up the phone and talked to someone I usually avoid due to their "authoratative-way," and my being worried about how I'm coming across (In-laws) thanks to caller-id.

But, I remembered what we were doing here this month and I just took a breath and picked up. It went ok. Fine, actually. Taking the call was so much better than all the guilt I would have felt for NOT picking up their call. So I did it. I also made a call to two people. Family, but it's a start. It's only the 4th! Baby steps.

4. MESSAGE SENT THROUGH WEBSITE This form was submitted: Jan 08 2008

Well I really freaked out today. My dh called and said we ARE going out to dinner tonight with his boss and his whole family. I really had a little panic attack. I am feeling pretty bad about myself-my appearance...had nothing to wear, nails a mess, hair needs coloring, etc., etc., and I was just panicky. What am I going to talk about?? This is so embarassing.

While I was getting ready, I was thinking of things I had read here, I was trying to think differently for once. Here is what I did as I got in the shower and started to get ready:

-I put the Ipod on the "happy playlist"...songs that I like to sing along with that are upbeat. Was hoping they would distract me from obsessing over what was coming up. They did.

-I was extra nice to myself while getting ready. I used "the good stuff".

-When I started to think negatively about myself or predicting how the evening was going to go, I remembered something I read here about using the word "CHALLENGE" or better yet, "OPPORTUNITY" when things are rough for you. So I kept thinking, "ok, this is an OPPORTUNITY here to break out of isolation---this is good, this is a good thing. Getting together with people, that's what it's all about and here is an opportunity. I kept saying that over and over in my head.

-As soon as a negative thought came, I was really trying to squash it and think of something postive. I remembered somewhere on this page it says; "think they won't like you? They WILL." So I actually remembered that.

-A friend of mine suggested I pretend I was getting another person ready, like a friend, and what would I tell them, and tell it to myself. What would I pick out for them to wear? Things like that. That helped too.

So, I am just waiting for my dh to come home and get me so we can do this thing. I can do this. Have to break out of this isolation mode, have to try to think differently. I'm trying. Writing this here is helping me not be as nervous as I would be staring at the wall waiting to go!

State as clearly as possible in a positive manner what it is that you want to create in your life.

Be clear why you want this and how your life will be different once you achieve this goal.

Be especially aware of the negative self-talk that sabotages and undermines your attempts to succeed.

Be clear about what you need to achieve this goal in terms of skills, resources, support systems, etc.

List the 3-5 major actions that you need to take to start moving toward this goal.

Stay focused on what you want to create, not on the difficulties you might be having.

Think outside yourself.
Ask yourself if you’d say what you’re thinking about yourself to someone else. If not, stop being so hard on yourself. Think about less harsh statements that offer more realistic descriptions.

Keep a “negative thought log”.
Whenever you experience a negative thought, jot down the thought and what triggered it in a notebook. Review your log when you’re in a good mood. Consider if the negativity was truly warranted. For a second opinion, you can also ask a friend or therapist to go over your log with you.
Replace negatives with positives. Review your negative thought log. Then, for each negative thought, write down something positive. For instance, “My boss hates me. She gave me this difficult report to complete” could be replaced with, “My boss must have a lot of faith in me to give me so much responsibility.”

Socialize with positive people.
Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space. Then consider how you would react in the same situation. Even if you have to pretend, try to adopt their optimism and persistence in the face of difficulty.

Go easy on yourself
Many depressed people are perfectionists, holding themselves to impossibly high standards and then beating themselves up when they fail to meet them. You can battle this source of self-imposed stress by challenging your negative ways of thinking.
-source

Thank you to the COH helping COH who helped create this page! VQ, courageseeker, jcsgreenthumb!
Do you want to help with next month's trait? Please do!

My Needs Getting Met & The Cost

Book Suggestions

Quotes you like...

January's Trait (use this or post in group if you choose)

What Trait Focus Would You Like To See?