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List member FAQS:
http://listmembersfaq.emaillist-managers.com/archives/
Also:
http://listmembersfaq.emaillist-managers.com/
Abbreviations
They can be lowercase, too. A few are:
AAMOF -as a matter of fact,
AFAIK - as far as I know
B4N - bye for now
BTW - by the way
CMIIW - correct me if I'm wrong
DD: Dear Daughter,
DH: Dear Husband
DS: Dear Son
FIL: Father in Law
FOH: one of our group terms, means "Friends of Hoarders" support group
FWIW - for what it's worth
HTH: Hope this helps
IAC - in any case
IKWUM - I know what you mean
IMHO - in my humble opinion
IOW - in other words
KWIM - know what I mean
LOL - laughing out loud
MIL-Mother in Law
NBIF - no basis in fact
OTOH - on the other hand
ROTFL - rolling on the floor laughing (+MAO=my a** off)
TIA - thanks in advance
WTF-what the ****?
Emoticons: Also referred to as smileys, these symbols help convey tone or emotion in a message.
Some examples:
:-) happy
:) smile
:-( sad
;-) wink
:-o shock
surprise
:->devilish
:/ hmmm. . .
Go here to make a new post to the group:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/childrenofhoarders/post
Type your reply in text box. (be sure to fill in subject line)
Hit "send."
You can also send the group a post via email, by addressing your email to:
childrenofhoarders@yahoogroups.com
To view the replies (and most recent posts from other members too), go here:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/childrenofhoarders/messages
If you have selected "email delivery" in your personal group profile, (Edit Membership) you will get any responses emailed to you. This includes an email of every post made in the group as well.
Searching Message Archives by topic, member name & post #
On the home page to the group , above where the messages start to be listed, you will find a SEARCH BOX on the upper-right. Enter your search term in that box and click "search."
You can also enter a member name or email address in that box to locate posts written by a specific member. (You can also click on the "Advanced Search" option link to narrow down your searches by date period, etc.)
To search by a MESSAGE #, while at the group home page, above the messages at the upper-left, you will find a link for "View All." Click on that and a page will appear that will provide you with two search boxes. One to enter in a message # to search for, or a search term. Enter the message # you are looking for in the box on the left and click "GO."
Note: While viewing the messages from the group site, you will find there are various options to view messages-"Expand" (where you will see all of the message), "Simplified" (where you will only see a part), group by topic (where only one message about that subject/in that thread will be showing, and "list individually."
Direct link to search archives.
Deleting messages
You can delete your own messages but not another member's. Click the checkbox to the left or your message while in "View All Messages" mode and then select the "delete" button at the top or bottom of the page.
Changing Message Delivery Options
Too much group clutter? Want it to stop?
If you get the posts individually to your inbox (default setting when you join), you can switch to getting them grouped all at once in a "Daily Digest" or not even get them at all.
By selecting "No Mail" you won't get messages, but will remain a member of the group to read them when you feel like it. At the bottom of each message post you receive, you will find links to " Changing Message Delivery options". If you want to change your delivery options from the group site, go to " Edit Profile" at the top of the page, once there.
Step by Step To change the way you receive messages from the COH Group,...
Go to:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/childrenofhoarders/
Look at the top of page, find/click on " Edit Membership"
From that page, look for "Step #2" towards the middle of the page,
which is where you set your message delivery. Choices are:
Individual Email-The option to choose if you want to get each group
message and special notice individually and immediately, as it is
posted.
Daily Digest-The option to choose if you want to see all messages but
limit the amount of email you receive. We'll compile an email of up
to 25 messages and send daily (special notices too!).
Special Notices - Receive only important email notices from the group
moderator.
Web Only - Don't get notified of the latest happenings. Read messages
only on the web/at the group home page. (Meaning, you go to:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/childrenofhoarders/ to read the
messages that have been posted-No Clutter in your inbox! ) :)
Need help? No problem! Just email our moderators by going
to "members" in the menu on the left and clicking on the moderator
tab at the top of the page.
You can preview your message before sending it
If you are posting directly at the group, and not through your mail,
Yahoo has a nice little feature where you can preview your message
before you send it. At the very bottom, under where you type your
message, you will see a 'Preview' button. If you click on this, you
will see what your post will look like when posted. If it looks all
jumbled up to you, and hard to read, this is how it will look to all
of us.
"Trimming" Messages & posting hints
Please try to:
-Trim messages (only include what you are replying to in response, since most of us will have read original message already. When this isn't done, it make the Daily Digest of messages very long and boring to read and can turn members off from reading it.
More info. on how to do that can be found at this helpful site.)
The most important thing is YOU POST-if you are having a hard time "trimming", we won't be upset, just please keep it in mind.
-Change subject line to reflect topic if it changes. (helps with future message searches on the topic)
-General list etiquette info.:
http://www.marthas-web.com/groups.htm
-FAQ's about email groups:
http://listmembersfaq.emaillist-managers.com/
Confidentiality Agreement
No personal posts or materials posted are to be printed, forwarded, copied or in any way removed from this board or website forums without the expressed consent of the author. Continued membership in the Yahoo Group/website forums implies you agree to this policy.
The copyright to COH stories and experiences submitted to our board(s) are retained by their authors (i.e. individual posters); all rights are reserved. The authors maintain proprietary right to all stories and experiences unless and until it is waived. If you intend to use or distribute any of the COH stories or experiences for a commercial purpose, you must contact the individual authors for written permission to do so.
Group Posting Guidelines
The focus of our group is on children of hoarders and the challenges they face as a result of that status. Off-topic or abusive posts are discouraged, and members who persistently post disruptive,abusive, off-topic posts will be asked to leave the group at the discretion of the moderators.
Certain topics are viewed as particularly problematic, including politics and some types of religious discussion. Individuals wishing to share ideas on such topics are asked to do so off-board privately. Recognizing that religious perspectives sometimes play an important role in the COH experience, please see the section below entitled *Religious Posts* for guidelines to help to decide whether specific religious content will be considered "on-topic" for our boards, and therefore acceptable for general posting.
In general, however, we ask that members assume that good intentions motivate the postings of other members, and that they are civil to each other when controversy or misunderstanding arises. When a member feels that someone is ignoring the posting guidelines or is being inappropriate or disruptive, they are encouraged to attempt to resolve the issue privately and directly with the other member or to seek the private assistance of a moderator BEFORE submitting complaints to the entire group.
*RELIGIOUS POSTS*
The Children of Hoarders Website Forums & Yahoo Group are tolerant of all religious perspectives- both in terms of belief and non-belief. We are a diverse and large group, and as such, we remind everyone to keep in mind the many different perspectives that exist here. The nature of recovery from difficult experiences (like ours) often leads people to a faith in something more powerful. We respect that choice. Sometimes, it has the opposite effect-and we respect that too. We appreciate anything and everything that brings comfort and inspiration to a COH, but in the context of our support boards, we ask that everyone respect the beliefs (or non-beliefs) of others and keep religious commentary to a minimum. It is generally acceptable to post as follows:
-Describing the role religion played in your relationship with your hoarding parent;
-Describing the role religion played in hoarding behavior;
-Telling someone "you will pray for them" and requesting others to pray for you;
-Saying "God Bless you," "Thanks be to God/Higher Power," or "Blessings;"
-Describing how your ‘Higher Power,’ faith, prayer, or other spiritual practice(s) gave/gives you strength to get through a difficult situation.
Out of consideration for the feelings of others and in keeping with the focus of our particular discussion board(s), we ask that posters refrain from posting: passages/quotes from any particular religious/spiritual text (e.g., the Bible, Koran, Buddhist texts, and others) or anything else that represents a particular belief system with which others may not identify. Any debates about religion or belief systems, we ask, respectfully, to be done off our discussion boards.
Other Considerations for the group in general:
-At the COH group, we understand that we all have things that we feel very strongly about, as well as our own "hot buttons."
Please avoid flaming (personal abusive attacks intended to incite, degrade, make fun of another person or their ideas with no positive outcome).
Please respect other people's right to have to their own opinion just as you have your opinion. The group moderators should be contacted if you cannot resolve the issue privately with another member.
We respectfully repeat, disagreements between members should *not* be posted for board discussion. -Because emotions, inflections, humorous intents and lightheartedness are difficult to convey through posts, we suggest the following when reading and posting: " Assume Good Faith" & "Remain Civil".
*DISCLAIMER* The moderators of our discussion groups are not a doctors, therapists or counselors. The information here is not intended, and should not be used to replace the care or diagnosis of a medical professional or therapist. While we try to make this group as safe as possible for members to share amongst other COH & their spouses only, we cannot guarantee that some members are not who this group was intended for, and gave false information to join.
If you have hoarding tendencies or hoard
If you are a COH who hoards or has tendencies to hoard, we don't know if this is the right group for you, but you will be the best judge of that!
This particular group does not focus on the recovery steps from hoarding, but more on the effects it has on family members and how we can help our loved ones suffering from it. Here is some information that will hopefully be of help to you though!:
Some sections from Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding book & exercises
(you will need a password & username to access, they both are: coh )
Some Self-Help Tools for you:
Tools for self-help, main page on COH site
Cost-Benefit Analysis for Compulsive Hoarders
Dysfunctional Thought Record
Inspirational Quotes
Online Support Groups
Questions to ask yourself while decluttering
Rating Your Anxiety Level (SUDS)
You can also visit these new discussion forums for those who hoard or have the tendencies:
http://compulsivesaving.proboards57.com/
Photo Albums, adding photos
From the group home page you will find a menu on the left-side of the page with a link to our Photo Album section where members have uploaded their photos. You can create your own album too if you'd like. Here's how...
1. Go to the group home page
2. In the menu on the left, click PHOTOS
3. In the upper right-hand corner of that page you will see "Create Photo Album".
4. You will be asked to name your album & for a description.
5. Click "Personal Album" so only you can add photos to your album.
6. Then...upload the photos one by one from where you have them saved on your computer. Add a description too if you'd like.
There is also an album for "COH Having Fun" and we hope you'll have something to add to that group album too sometime!
File Section
From the group home page you will find a menu on the left-side of the page with a link to our file section, which members are welcome to contribute to. The direct link to the file section is here.
Poll Section
From the group home page you will find a menu on the left-side of the page with a link to our poll section.
Once in a great while there will be the need for a poll to be conducted. Most of these polls, however, are from the very beginning of the group's existence,when we were just discovering other COH for the first time. Feel free to continue to vote in any you want. Members can also create their own poll for the group by clicking "create poll" while browsing that section. Feel free to! Direct link to polls.
Unsubscribing
Click on the link to "Unsubscribe" at the bottom of the emailed message post or go to "edit profile" from the group home page.
Don't forget to confirm your request to unsubscribe that will be emailed to you to complete this. We send no parting surveys to complete.
**When you send the email to unsubscribe, it goes to Yahoo, not to the group or the moderators. So, if you write anything with your unsubscribe request,... we will never see it, unless you email a copy to the moderators/ owners separately.**
Humor, About use of it in our group
When you can't cry anymore, many of us choose to laugh, as our coping mechanism. However, some of the humor used in this group might not be funny to everyone, especially those with hoarding tendencies. We understand that this group is not going to be a good fit for everyone, and we leave that up to each member to decide on their own. While we hope it won't offend, the use of humor will always be welcome, in whatever form, in this particular group.
Post from a member:
| Quote: |
"Honestly, I think this might be the most important dynamic of the COH group, in reassuring us that YES! Your view is NOT crazy, this IS unhealthy and the hoarder's avoidance/blame is just a coping mechanism or aspect of the illness because it is NOT just the hoarder's reaction to YOU and all the other family members who 'don't understand.'
Truly, I have been able to let go of so much anger and frustration knowing that this IS a disorder and that others experience it in the same way.What has been healthy for me in the short time I have been here is to finally laugh about some of things my mom does. Some of it is sooooo crazy and I never had anyone to share it with. Let alone anyone who identified with what I talking about.
Now I can look at some of this and say yes it is crazy & even find some humor in the craziness!For example, shortly after I joined I asked about if anyone else had a parent who used a little notebook to keep track of who knows what. I received several humorous replies from others who knew exactly what I was talking about. It is good to finally laugh about some of this. So much of what we deal with is serious & can be just down right depressing, but the interjections of humor help to keep things in perspective, at least for me!"-xxxx |
Some Vocabulary/Terms regarding Compulsive Hoarding & Related
A.P.S.
Adult Protective Services
CBT:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Churn/Churning:
The act of moving things around and not getting rid
D.H.S.
Department of Health (DHHS=Dept. Health & Human Services)
E.R.P.
Exposure & Response/Ritual Prevention: A type of ...
...Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that is designed to break two types of associations that occur in OCD: The association between objects and situations that cause distress, the association between carrying out ritualistic behavior to decrease distress. A method of therapy for treating Hoarding.The goal is to demonstrate we can have thoughts and experience distress without participating in rituals (rituals are "banned" for full immersion in anxiety)without losing control or "having to shut anxiety down." This is to show rituals are short term anxiety relievers that in fact increase obsessions, and that rituals are not the only way to decrease anxiety.
Exposure
A procedure/therapy technique in which you are purposely confronted with objects or situations that promote distress and stay in those situations without performing rituals ("banned")long enough for anxiety to decrease by itself.
Habituation
The process of learning to tolerate an anxiety-producing situation through exposure.
P.O.A.
Power of Attorney
SUDS Levels
Subjective Units of Distress. "Anxiety temperature." A way of measuring the anxiety levels from 1-10 (re: hoarding; while discarding or at place of acquisition.)
More info.:
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/coh26.php
Senile Squalor Syndrome
http://www.gpnotebook.co.uk/cache/1053818943.htm
Syllogomania
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding
Vocabulary We Made Up and Use
COH:
"Children of Hoarders"
"Clean Hoard" is a term we came up with in our COH Group for Hoarding situations that don't have the animal/human waste...or where our parents don't necessarily let the dirty dishes pile up, let the litter boxes overflow, keep their bathrooms as clean as they can, etc. They just have a TON of STUFF."
"Dirty Hoard"
is what we call the opposite of clean hoard-which sometimes may include their personal hygiene practices as well, unfortunately.
C.O.H.S.C.S.
member/moderator created!
| Quote: |
Sometimes I get confused about who is doing a cleanout, and what all events are going on soon. So I had a thought. It's obviously optional, but it'll be short, sweet, and simple.
I want to try having a COH Status Check
It's kind of like the Homeland Security Advisory System.
Green is low risk of stressful interactions with the hoarder(s) or
issues having to do with hoarding. In other words, you don't expect to have to deal with it at all this weekend. Unless Donna and Nash "make" me take a complete break from here and the website, I don't ever get to green.
Blue is general risk of stressful interactions with the hoarder(s) or
issues having to do with hoarding. You'll see or talk to your hoarder
but things have been quiet the last few conversations, and nobody in the family has given you any reason to believe that things are about to blow up. This weekend my status is blue.
Yellow is significant risk of stressful interactions with the
hoarder(s) or issues having to do with hoarding. You know that things are nearing a flash point. Mount Crapsuvious has been rumbling a lot recently, and maybe belching a little steam now and them, but the exact moment of eruption is still uncertain.
Orange is high risk of stressful interactions with the hoarder(s) or
issues having to do with hoarding. I'd guess that Tracy is probably at an Orange Status with her talk coming up on Tuesday, and she'll
probably move to Red by Sunday night or Monday morning. This is when there have been some recent blow ups. The hoarder has been on the offensive, and you have that knot in your stomach thinking about the next conversation. You're expecting a blow up.
Red is severe risk of stressful interactions with the hoarder(s) or
issues having to do with hoarding. A planned cleanout this weekend falls into this category. Making the decision to rat out(a.k.a. notify the authorities) your hoarder needs to be made this weekend. You're going to visit the hoarder but not allow the grandkids inside the house.
Okay, so that's my first swipe at a COH Status Check System. As I
said, I'm Blue for this weekend.
Time to check in(I hope I don't even have to say that this is
optional). I know there are some lurkers out there. This is an easy
and fun way to start posting. All you have to do is hit Reply, erase
this message, type one word, and press send.
norse |
Green: Low risk of stressful interactions with hoarder.
Blue: General risk will see or talk to hoarder, but things quiet on the hoarding front.
Yellow: Significant risk. Eruption of Mt. Crapsuvious watch in effect.
Orange: High risk of stressful interactions. Recent blow-up...Mt. Crapsuvious is bubbling & steaming.
RED: SEVERE RISK. Planned clean-out going on, authorities intervening or visit to hoarded home.
Mt. Crapsuvious has erupted.
C.O.H.U.G.E.T.
COH Unhealthy Guilt Erradication Team, created by a member...
What is COHUGET?
Post from a member, (norse) 8/2006:
| Quote: |
Initially I was concerned about some of the guilt that various people in the group were experiencing. It seemed like it wasn't really guilt that they had done anything to deserve, so this post was the result:
Guilt is not necessarily a bad thing. Guilt can be like pain. Pain is nature's way of telling people that whatever they just did is not something that they should repeat. Healthy guilt is a good thing, especially if I am listening to my inner voice. The majority of people have a problem with not feeling guilty often enough, especially in this day and age of "You don't have any right to judge me."
COH on the other hand have a tendancy to have the opposite problem. Because our hoarders frequently blame us for their problems (see above paragraph), we often accept that blame because.... Well, let's face it, we didn't have the tools emotionally to reply back that the problem wasn't that we weren't doing enough around the house. We were dependant on our parents for survival and we didn't really have any other option other than accepting the guilt.
Well, I am writing today on behalf of the COH Unhealthy Guilt Erradication team. I have very good news for everyone here at COH. Today and tomorrow are officially "No Unhealthy Guilt for All COH members" weekend. Now since many of us struggle with knowing whether a specific guilty feeling is healthy or not, I will provide a list of healthy versus unhealthy guilt.
HEALTHY GUILT
-Murder
-Hurting animals intentionally(except for recognized pests)
-Child abuse
-Setting off nuclear weapons
UNHEALTHY GUILT
-Not knowing what to do in regard to our hoarder
-Finding humor in the situation our hoarders have put us in
-Telling our hoarder how they have affected us
-Not telling our hoarder how they have affected us
-Calling the state to report our hoarders
-Not calling the state to report our hoarders
-Cleaning out the hoard without their knowledge or permission
-Not cleaning out the hoard
For the rest of the weekend, you don't have to feel guilty. You have done the best job you knew how to. Venting your feelings here any way that helps you (sarcasm, laughter, ranting, anger, etc..) is a very good thing. There is no better or safer place to do that. We have been beatup, injured, and yes abused by our hoarders. Read that last line again. Your emotions are okay, whatever they are. Enjoy the weekend. Your hoarder and your guilt will be there Monday, unless this is a massive cleanout weekend for you, and you probably won't be reading this anyway.
For those who are doing clean outs this weekend, the next 4 days after the cleanout are your No Unhealthy Guilt days (You deserve the double days). Now, take the guilt off and put it down someplace out of the way. The back of the coat closet, or under the kitchen sink are two suggestions. There doesn't that feel better? Enjoy!!-xxxx--- |
Another post following the above:
| Quote: |
That seemed to strike a chord with people so I decided it needed an acronym because the full name was too much to type over and over. So COHUGET was launched....... From now until the end of the weekend, the COHUGET (pronounced co- huge-tee) has declared a "No Unhealthy Guilt" warning. This is a warning, not a watch. That means that you need to stash your unhealthy guilt now and leave it stashed until Monday morning. The previous stash sites are acceptable (under the kitchen sink, behind the fridge), but the recommended unhealthy guilt stashing site is under the nearest pile of dog excrement. The nastier the better, that way you will be much less inclined to retrieve it before Monday morning. Notice that I did not say "your dogs....". The ownership of the dog is irreverent. NO WAIT!!!! I am irreverent. The ownership of the dog is irrelevant. We hope you enjoy the weekend free of the burden of the guilt that you should never have been given. It wasn't your fault, it isn't your fault, and it never will be your fault! -xxxx |
C.O.H.W.H.A.M.M.I.E.
Children Of Hoarders Whose Hopes About Miraculous Mess Improvement Expired (Given up on helping or change)
P.I.S.S.
Post Intervention Stress Sydrome
Refers to the emotions felt, similar to PTSD, after an intervention or clean-out, whether successful or not.
Created by a member:
Wed Aug 30, 2006
| Quote: |
"It seems like the majority of COH have a significant let down after an intervention. It seems like it doesn't matter a whole lot whether the intervention was a complete success, a partial success, or extremely disappointing.My guess is that the pre-intervention period creates huge amounts of hope, and anticipation, the intervention itself involves incredible amounts of stress trying to keep all the balls in the air and deal with the raw nerves, frayed tempers, etc. No matter the outcome there is a huge let down when it is all over.It can take weeks, and sometimes longer to get through. I think it could be a very good resource to have some of the people coming off of interventions sort of keep a diary of sorts here. We could offer our own experiences and see if there is any consistency. It might be helpful for COH that are preparing for their first intervention to know that this is a normal reaction.
-xxxx
PS: The acronym was an accident, but I love it!!!!!Post-Intervention Stress Syndrome a.k.a. PISS.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
More on P.I.S.S. |
Wonderful Strangers:
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/private/topics.html#WS
(password/username: coh)
W.U.E.D.
"Walls up, Expectations Down",
term created by two members (norse/nashbabe) about being careful not to get hopes up.
Additional:
Read all the messages in a thread/Tips for reading in "expand mode"
This info. came from the files of a group called Recipe World:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Our_Recipe_World :
| Quote: |
If you come to the group to read the messages, like I do in all my
groups, when you click on the 'Messages' link over to the left, you
will see another link at the upper left of the message list. It is
titled "Expand Messages", click on that and all the messages will
open up at once. Kind of like the daily digest option in mail. I find
it much easier to sift through the messages like this.
Many people also don't know about the 'Thread' feature on the groups.
If you go to the Message link to the left, when you get to that page,
you will see at the upper right, and the bottom right of the messages
a 'Thread' link. This will make the messages appear sorted by
threads, instead of in order by date and time.
More tips:
While you have all the messages opened up, and you see one that you
want to reply to, this is what I do:
I click on the message number itself, while holding down the shift
key. This opens up a new window for you to reply in. Then, when you
are done replying, close out your new window and you will still be on
your same expanded page.
Another thing I do for my busy groups is while the expanded page is
open, click on any blank spot on that page, and right click, and
select 'Create Shortcut'. This will create a shortcut on your desktop
so you can go right back to where you were when you left off. This is
especially helpful in busy groups, or when you go on vacation or
something. |
COH Site Bookstore
With books that have been recommended by members over the past couple years. (listed in the bookstore so they are all together-don't feel you should buy them from there-the commission on sales towards site ops is so tiny, it doesn't make much difference, so if you find it cheaper on Amazon/other-get it there!)
On Understanding Hoarding
Books geared towards healing for COH
Books on Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
Books on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)
How To/Guides for cleaning for those who may not have learned
"Conquering Clutter" books
Books on Depression
Books on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Organizing How To Books
Books on Perfectionism
Videos and audios about Hoarding or films that may depict our situations
Member Directory:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/childrenofhoarders/database
Some backgrounds on members of the COH group:
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/private/backgrounds.html
Contact group moderators:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/childrenofhoarders/members?group=mod
Tracy's Story:
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/coh5.php
Crisis Cleaning advice:
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/coh14.php
Quote: |
We'd discussed it a bit before, but I just thought I'd throw some
info into the "causes of hoarding discussion" about Attention Deficit
(Hyperactivity) Disorder. I don't think ADD (or ADHD if you prefer)
is the sole cause of hoarding, but lots of the traits could contribute to it. Since I was diagnosed with ADHD--inattentive type, I can see how my attributes, taken to the extreme, could contribute to hoarding. For those who are new to the discussion, ADD does not necessarily involve hyperactivity, and usually doesn't "go away" in adulthood.
Recently there are lots of people, especially women, who are being diagnosed as adults (if you're not hyperactive, and not a "problem" and are smart enough to compensate, you're not going to get diagnosed). Do you know anyone who's smart but just can't seem to "get it together"? It could be ADD. Here are the traits I think are relevant (not an exhaustive list):
Organizational/attention problems:
*being easily distracted from a task, lesson, or conversation
*difficulty keeping the mind on any one thing
*getting bored with a task before it's completed
*difficulty listening when directly addressed
*disorganization and forgetfulness
*needs high stimulation in order to focus (sometimes manifests as a
feeling of needing "more more more!")
Yet:
*Ability to hyperfocus on a project to the exclusion of everything
else
Impulsivity problems:
*talk excessively
*blurt out answers before questions are completed
*speak tactlessly or inappropriately
*exhibit difficulty waiting
*interrupt or intrude on others
Poor executive function (this is the big one!):
*poor sense of time and timing
*inconsistency
*low boiling point for frustration
*poor judgment
The traits I've noticed in myself that contribute to my own clutter
issues (which thankfully are minimal) are 1) inability to deal with
decisions that aren't of the "right now" variety--if I don't know
what do with a piece of paper immediately (if I don't already have a
file for it, or it's a "someday" thing), it goes into one of many
piles.
I immediately forget about the pile! Churn the piles and
remove everything that is out of date. Repeat.
2) inability to gauge
time or to be able to tell how long it will take me to do something--
I'll get around to doing that project "someday"
3) lots of ideas but
not following through on them--The hardest thing for me to let go if
are things that are for "someday" projects
4) a complete hatred of
routine tasks--in my case it's doing my dishes. It's not even
conscious. But given the choice between doing the same old thing or
doing something new and exciting, I'll choose doing the new thing
most of the time unless under threat (like someone is coming over).
Oh no, another whole day has gone by while I was happily engaged
doing some silly project, and now it's time to go to bed! Believe or
not, this is different from laziness!
I have a good friend who has ADD and he is a good coach. I tell him
about the crap I'm hanging onto for future craft projects and he
says "you won't do them". "But maybe I will?!" "No, trust me, you
won't." And he's right, of course. People with ADD often
aren't "living up to their potential", and sometimes those undone
projects represent that potential. I think throwing stuff out is like
losing a piece of your potential--sometimes your *potential* worth is
all you have going for you if you're not feeling very worthy in the
present.
Luckily (?), my brand of impulsivity leads me to do rash things like
throw away/give away half my possessions at a time, so I don't end up like Mom (see the pics in my folder if you want to know why). I've
thrown away all my high school yearbooks, my high school diploma, all the letters I ever received, etc.
Self-centeredness and an inability to read social cues are also ADD
traits, unfortunately. Like many of your Moms, (it's mostly Moms,
isn't it?) mine interrupts me as if I'm not even saying anything
important, doesn't know me and doesn't seem to care, monologues about crap only she is interested in, can't read body language (Mom, that person is trying to back away from you because they can tell you're bat$#@* crazy and don't want to hear about your cats), etc.
Embarrassingly, I also interrupt, go off on tangents, fail to listen,
etc., but at least I remember to get back to the subject at hand, ask
the other person questions about themself, to repeat the parts I
missed, write down important info, etc. But somehow in my Mom the
inattention has turned into full-blown narcissism so I think there is
also a personality disorder at work there. Just my theory.
Sorry if you feel like the guinea pigs for my ADD-Awareness Soapbox, but like the study of hoarding, this and other neurological disorders are a very new field. (I have a feeling they will eventually learn that all this stuff is strongly intertwined.) Take what you can use, or ignore it all!
Here's one of many websites about it:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm
Self-centeredly, ramblingly, tangentially, but unapologetically (for
the long post), :) |
 ADD Online Evaluation Test
(by Amen Clinics)
Adult Children of Alcoholic's Characteristics & Roles
Adult Children of Alcoholic's Characteristics (ACOA) & Roles
The following information came from here (pdf file)
Many non-ACoAs find that the following descriptions also fit them.
The traumas of living with emotionally absent or abusive parents manifest themselves in many ways. An alcoholic family is but one form the problem can take.
Suggestions for ACOAs:(or other adult children of dysfunction)
*Become involved in Alanon and/or Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, and in individual therapy. By doing this, you will learn:
you are not alone in your pain; and you can learn ways to move beyond the harm you experienced as a child. (If you are concerned that you cannot afford individual counseling, check with local clergy
as many offer counseling services. There are also mental health or treatment providers who offer their services based on income levels.) Your mental health is priceless. You owe it to yourself to seek options for becoming healthy.
*Develop support systems by making those close to you aware of your decision to seek counseling. (Alanon or ACoA groups and counselors will help to provide such a system of support.) Share your decision with friends and family members who will encourage you. Do not share your decision with people who will question you or belittle your decision.
*Learn how to ask for help. (If you go to an Alanon or ACoA group, counselors and fellow ACoAs can help you learn this. In time, you will learn whom you can trust with your struggles.)
*Recognize that you have the right to talk about these issues and you have the right to experience and express emotions.
*If you have children, learn about child development. Seek out and participate in a parent education course to learn skills for relating to your children.
*Check with your local public library for books on this topic to help you understand and overcome a chaotic childhood.
*Finally, know that as an adult, you have survived a childhood that was affected by alcoholism and now you can thrive. It won't be easy, but it will be worth the effort. As the old truism notes, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Start today. Take that life-changing step!
-------------------------------------
Notes:
(1) If you feel that your life is described by these characteristics, please know that you are not alone. Help is available.
(2) This list of characteristics should be read as descriptions, and not as indictments. Initially, ACoAs may see these characteristics as deficits and liabilities.
However, with time and healing, they can become assets. By making changes in their lives, ACoAs can break the cycle of destruction caused by alcoholism (or similar dysfunction) so that their children will not have to experience the same problems and pain.
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics
When growing up, children of alcoholics learn several basic family survival tactics: don't talk, don't trust and don't feel. A commonly asked question is, "Can a person ever outgrow the effects of growing up as the child of an alcoholic?" The answer is yes, but it is not easy.
Adults who survived a childhood environment where an alcoholic was in residence may continue to experience problems unless they make some life changes. Adult children of alcoholics need to accept the fact that their parent's alcohol abuse negatively affected not only their childhood, but also their adult years. Many adult children of alcoholics continue to support the "don't talk" rule and deny that there were problems in the homes of their youth.
Others might admit that they lived in a chaotic home, but argue that it no longer affects them.
This is rarely true. In his book, A Primer on Adult Children of Alcoholics, Dr. Timmen L. Cermak lists sixteen characteristics that adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs) frequently display. In brief, these characteristics are:
*Fear of losing control.
ACoAs maintain control of their feelings and behavior. In addition,
they try to control the feelings and behavior of others. They do not do this to hurt themselves or others, but because they are afraid. They fear their lives will get worse if they lose control and they become uncomfortable and anxious when they cannot control situations, feelings and behaviors.
*Fear of feelings.
Since childhood and continuing as adults, ACoAs have buried their feelings
(especially anger and sadness). In addition, they've lost the ability to feel or express emotions freely. Eventually they fear all intense feelings, even good ones such as joy and happiness.
*Overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
ACoAs are hypersensitive to the needs of others.
Their self-esteem comes from how others view them. They have a compulsive need to be perfect.
*Guilt feelings.
When ACoAs stand up for themselves instead of giving in to others, they feel guilty. They usually sacrifice their own needs in an effort to be "responsible."
*Inability to relax/let go/have fun.
Having fun is stressful for ACoAs, especially when others are watching. The child inside is terrified; exercising all the control it can muster to be good enough just to survive. Under such rigid control, spontaneity suffers.
*Harsh, even fierce, self-criticism.
ACoAs have very low self-esteem, regardless how competent they may be in many areas.
*Denial. Whenever ACoAs feel threatened, their tendency toward denial intensifies.
*Difficulty with intimate relationships.
To ACoAs, intimacy equates to being out of control.
It requires love for self and expressing one's own needs. As a result, ACoAs frequently have difficulty with sexuality. They repeat unsuccessful relationship patterns.
*Living life as a victim.
ACoAs may be either aggressive or passive victims. They are often attracted to other "victims" in love, friendship and work relationships.
*Compulsive behavior.
ACoAs may work compulsively, eat compulsively, become addicted to
a relationship or behave in other compulsive ways. ACoAs may drink compulsively and become alcoholics themselves.
*Tendency to confuse love and pity.
Because they don't differentiate between these two emotions, ACoAs often "love" people they can pity and rescue.
*Fear of abandonment.
In order not to experience the pain of abandonment, ACoAs will do
anything to hold on to a relationship.
*Tendency to view issues in terms of black or white.
When they are under stress, the gray areas of life disappear and ACoAs see themselves facing an endless series of either/or alternatives.
*Tendency toward physical complaints.
ACoAs suffer higher rates of stress related illnesses (migraine headaches, ulcers, eczema, irritable bowel syndrome, etc.) than the general population.
Books:
Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition. By Janet Woititz. (HCI Publishers, 1990.)
Healthy Parenting: An Empowering Guide for Adult Children. Edited by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. (Fireside Books, 1992.)
Websites:
http://www.adultchildren.org
http://www.nacoa.org/
Adult Protective Services, Services for Elderly
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/coh50.php
Alanon/Alanon Principles
Anger from parents when you try to bring it up, deflection off the topic
Animal Hoarding
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/coh53.php
Anxiety at sound of doorbell even as adults in our own homes:
Quote: |
Posted: Feb 1st, 2007
"My heart still leaps into my chest when the doorbell rings.
Is everything put away? Is there anything the person can see that might embarrass me? Is there dust or dirt somewhere that someone can see? Will they think I'm lazy?
I am NOT one to blame other people for my problems (I'd like to think I succeed in spite of them), but being the daughter of a hoarder and having an ex-husband who said I was lazy all the time just tag-teamed my self-esteem. I suppose I have set extremely high standards for myself and work almost TOO hard to attain them. I am scared, though, that if I let up I will become like my mom. " |
Quote: |
Feb 1st, 2007
"I am trying VERY hard to get over the panic of having people over. I look for opportunities to host things, volunteer my house for group activities (the kind of things that bounce around, taking turns hosting) because I feel like it's the OPPOSITE of everything my mother did when I was growing up. I only started doing this in the last couple years, though, since we bought a house and I feel like we have a reasonable amount of space to be comfortable. I have the 'never good enough' phobia about my house and here, I apply it not just to my housekeeping (which is horrible by normal standards... nothing like hoarding, but just plain messy) but the house generally." |
Quote: |
Posted: Feb 3rd, 2007
"Oh ya, doorbell dread, as I have dubbed it.
While I don't have any logical reason for it now, it is always there, no matter if my house is spotless, which only happens when we are expecting company. But if I am realistic about it, my house is never so bad I would die a thousand deaths if someone came over unexpectedly. If anything, it tends to get cluttered with things that need to be put away or straightened up.
I had extreme paranoia when I was growing up that someone important would find out about the house and take my sister and I away from my parents. In all reality, this probably wouldn't have happened. My dad could have taken us out of the environment if called on the carpet, and I had lots of relatives as well. But as a kid, these things don't always have logic. So that is probably the origin of my pit of your stomach gut reaction. So while mentally I know it is dumb, I can't get over the knee-jerk reaction." |
Being blamed for the condition of the house or keeping track of missing things as children
Being Made Fun Of At School as a child, member posts :
Quote: |
Feb 5th, 2007
"I had no tricks at all, because our washer and dryer had been dead for years and by about the 3rd or 4th grade or so, we had no running water, either. We went to a laundrymat periodically (and collected water there, too), but I don't think we went often enough. I was in constant terror the whole time we were there that someone who knew me would see me filling plastic bottles with water and loading them into the trunk of the car.
Yeah, it all really went to hell in the 5th grade. I am sure the smell was pretty bad. I was used to it, of course, but my classmates weren't and, kids being kids, they weren't exactly tactful about it. Two incidents really stand out in my mind. The first was the time a girl who sat behind me in a class got up and went to the teacher to ask (loudly enough for the whole class to hear) if she could please sit somewhere else because I smelled. The second was the time another girl made a big production in gym class (in front of half the grade) of presenting me with a bar of soap and some deodorant. They all got a good laugh out of that one. " |
Quote: |
Feb 6th, 2007
"People didn't make fun of me because of how I dressed so much but some people said we were "weird" and it was common knowledge that people didn't come into our house. Looking back I can chuckle with warped humor at all the rumors that went around about us when I was a kid. My favorite was the one that my mom was a witch and we kept the curtains closed so no one could see what she was doing | | | |
