1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you and receiving approval from you.
2. Your struggles affect my serenity. I focus my mental attention on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
3. I focus my mental attention on pleasing you, protecting you, or manipulating you to "do it my way".
4. I bolster my self-esteem by solving your problems and relieving your pain.
5. I put aside my own hobbies and interests. I spend my time sharing your interests and hobbies.
6. Because I feel you are a reflection of me, my desires dictate your clothing and personal appearance.
7. My desires dictate your behavior
8. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
9. I am not aware of what I want. I ask you what you want.
10. If I am not aware of something, I assume ( I don't ask or verify in some other way).
11. My fear of your anger and rejection determines what I say or do.
12. In our relationship I use giving as a way of feeling safe.
13. As I involve myself with you, my social circle diminishes.
14. To connect with you, I put my values aside.
15. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
16. The quality of my life depends on the quality of yours.
17. I am always trying to fix or take care of others while neglecting myself.
18, I find it easier to give in and comply with others than to express my own wants and needs.
19. I sometimes feel sorry for myself, feeling no one understands. I think about getting help, but never commit or follow through.
(1) If you feel that your life is described by
these characteristics, please know that you
are not alone. Help is available.
(2) This list of characteristics should be
read as descriptions, and not as indictments. Initially, ACoAs may see these
characteristics as deficits and liabilities.
However, with time and healing, they can
become assets. By making changes in their
lives, ACoAs can break the cycle of
destruction caused by alcoholism (or similar
dysfunction) so that their children will
not have to experience the same problems
and pain.
(3) Many non-ACoAs find that the preceding
descriptions also fit them. The
traumas of living with emotionally absent
or abusive parents manifest themselves in
many ways. An alcoholic family is but one
form the problem can take.
Suggestions for ACOAs:
Become involved in Alanon and/or
Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings,
and in individual therapy. By doing
this, you will learn: you are not alone
in your pain; and you can learn ways
to move beyond the harm you experienced
as a child. (If you are concerned
that you cannot afford individual
counseling, check with local clergy as
many offer counseling services. There
are also mental health or treatment
providers who offer their services
based on income levels.) Your mental
health is priceless. You owe it to yourself
to seek options for becoming
healthy.
Develop support systems by making
those close to you aware of your decision
to seek counseling. (Alanon or
ACoA groups and counselors will help
to provide such a system of support.)
Share your decision with friends and
family members who will encourage
you. Do not share your decision with
people who will question you or belittle
your decision.
Learn how to ask for help. (If you go
to an Alanon or ACoA group, counselors
and fellow ACoAs can help you
learn this. In time, you will learn whom
you can trust with your struggles.)
Recognize that you have the right to
talk about these issues and you have
the right to experience and express
emotions.
If you have children, learn about child
development. Seek out and participate
in a parent education course to learn
skills for relating to your children.
Check with your local public library
for books on this topic to help you
understand and overcome a chaotic
childhood.
Finally, know that as an adult, you have
survived a childhood that was affected by
alcoholism and now you can thrive. It
won’t be easy, but it will be worth the
effort. As the old truism notes, “A journey
of a thousand miles begins with a single
step.” Start today. Take that life-changing
step!
Core Issues of Adult Children of Alcoholics
By Steve Frisch, PsyD
Mental Health Professional
Clinical Psychologist
Alive And Well News Online
The phrase (ACOA) refers to those individuals who were adversely impacted by familial alcoholism. An ACOA is an individual who experiences a recognizable, diagnosable reaction to familial alcoholism. These individuals are particularly vulnerable to certain emotional, physical, and spiritual problems.
There are identifiable core issues that ACOA's experience. Control is one such issue.
The fear of loss of control is a dominant theme in their lives. Control dominates the interactions of an ACOA with themselves as well as the people in their lives. Fear of loss of control, whether it be over one's emotions, thoughts, feelings, will, actions, or relationships is pervasive. ACOA's rely upon defenses mechanisms such as denial, suppression in order to control their internal world of thoughts and feelings as well as the outward manifestation of those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
A second core issue is trust. This is directly attributable to being raised in an environment of chaos, unpredictability, and denial. Repeatedly told to ignore the obvious, deny their own feelings, and distrust the accuracy of their own perceptions ACOA's eventually begin to distrust not only other people but their own feelings and senses as well. Father is passed out on the couch, mom's face is buried in a bowl of soup yet nothing is wrong.
A third core issue is avoidance of feelings. In , the child's (COA) expression of feelings is typically met with censure, disapproval, anger, and rejection. Often the child is told explicitly, "Don't you dare say that to me; don't even think it!" or "Don't upset your mother. You have to be more understanding." In other words, COA's are taught very early that it is necessary to hide their feelings. Hiding their feelings leads to not even have any feelings as they master the art of repressing, denying, or minimizing them.
A fourth core issue is overresponsibility. ACOA's come to believe they are responsible for what is happening in their family. This is because blame is so much a part of an alcoholic family — "I drink because the kids are out of control." This just feeds a child's already existing self-centeredness. Because of these , COA's grow up believing they are responsible for other's emotions and actions. Because children do not know that the alcoholic drinks because the alcoholic has lost their choice to drink, they begin to believe that they are responsible for their drinking because of their "bad" behavior and therefore they are responsible for the alcoholic to stop drinking. Therefore a COA may decide that the way to end the bickering and drinking is to be a model child. Another reason that ACOA's develop a sense of overresonsibility is that children in alcoholic families often times become the family counselor or even a substitute parent for the "absent" alcoholic.
A fifth core issue of an ACOA is that they tend to ignore their own needs. This likely stems from the fact that their emotional needs continually took a back seat to alcoholism, chaos, and emotional and physical violence. All too many ACOA's equate acknowledging their emotional needs with being vulnerable or even weak. Feeling vulnerable also is equated with being out of control—a state if being which an ACOA finds intolerable. Along with feeling vulnerable and out of control, acknowledging their emotional needs may make an ACOA feel dependent, inadequate, or even worse than those states, forever in debt to the person who met their needs.
© 2001-2007 Steve Frisch. All Rights Reserved
Books:
Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition.
By Janet Woititz. (HCI Publishers,
1990.)
Healthy Parenting: An Empowering Guide
for Adult Children. Edited by Janet Geringer
Woititz, Ed.D. (Fireside Books,
1992.)
Some other place to learn more...:
http://www.adultchildren.org
http://www.nacoa.org/
What are *you* responsible for?
Family member roles in dysfunctional families
Empowerment & Victimization
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