From the book, "Healing The Child Within"-Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, by Charles L. Whitfield

Growing up in a troubled or dysfunctional family is nearly always associated with shame and low self-esteem in all members of that family. Only the manifestations of shame vary among family members.

We each adapt to shame in our own way. The major similarity is that nearly everyone will be co-dependent and operates primarily from their false self. We can thus describe the troubled or dysfunctional family as being "shame-based."


GUILT

People often confuse shame with guilt.
While we feel both, there is a difference between them.

Guilt is the uncomfortable or painful feeling that results from DOING something that violates or breaks a personal standard or value, or from hurting another person, or even from breaking an agreement or law. Guilt thus concerns our behavior, feeling bad about what we have done, or about what we *didn't do that we were supposed to have done.

Like most feelings, guilt can be a useful emotion to help guide us in our relationships with ourselves and with others. Guilt tells us that our conscience is functioning. People who never experience guilt or remorse after transgressions have difficulty in their lives, and are classically said to have an anti-social personality disorder.

Guilt that is useful and constructive we call "healthy" guilt. We use this kind of guilt to live in society, to resolve our conflicts or difficulties, to correct our mistakes, or to improve our relationships. When guilt is detrimental to our serenity, our peace of mind, and our functioning-including our mental, emotional and spiritual growth-we call it "unhealthy" guilt. Unhealthy guilt is usually not handled or worked through and lingers on, at times becoming psychologically and emotionally disabling. Our "responsibility" to family overcomes our responsibility to our True Self.

There may also be "survivor" guilt, wherein the person feels guilty and unworthy for leaving and abandoning others in a troubled environment or surviving in life after others may have failed.

Guilt can be relieved substantially by recognizing its presence and by then working it through. This means that we experience it, and discuss it with trusted and appropriate others, perhaps in group or individual therapy.

Guilt is often easier to recognize and resolve than is shame.

SHAME

Shame is the uncomfortable or painful feeling that we experience when we realize that a part of us is defective, bad, incomplete, rotten, phoney, inadequate or a failure. In contrast to guilt, where we feel bad from *doing* something wrong, we feel shame from BEING something wrong or bad. Thus guilt seems to be correctable or forgiveable, whereas there seems to be no way out of shame.

Our Child Within or True Self feels the shame and can express it, in a healthy way, to safe and supportive people. Our co-dependent or false self, on the other hand, pretends not to have the shame, and would never tell anyone about it.

We all have shame. Shame is universal to being human. If we do not work through it and then let go of it, shame tends to accumulate and burden us more and more, until we even become its victim.

In addition to feeling defective or inadequate, shame makes us believe that others can see through us, through our facade, into our defectiveness. Shame feels hopeless: that no matter what we do, we cannot correct it. We feel isolated and lonely with our shame, as though we are the only one who has the feeling.

What is more, we may say, "I'm afraid to tell you about my shame because if I do, you'll think I'm bad, and I can't stand hearing how bad I am. And so not only do I keep it to myself, but I often block it out or pretend that it is not there.

"I may even disguise my shame as if it were some other feeling or action and *project* that *onto other people*."

Some of these feelings and actions that may mask our shame include:

Anger, Resentment, Blame, Rage, Contempt, Attack, Control, Perfectionism, Neglect or Withdrawal, Abandonment, Disappointment, Compulsive Behavior.

"And when I feel or act out any of these disguises, it serves a useful purpose to my co-dependent or false self- acting as a *defense* against my *feeling* the shame. But, even though I may defend myself well against my shame, it can still be seen by others;

- when I hang my head, slump down, avoid eye contact or apologize for having needs and rights. I may even feel somewhat nauseated, cold, withdrawn and alienated. But no matter how well I may defend myself and others against it, my shame will not go away-unless I learn what it is, experience it and share it with safe and supportive others."

Where Does Our Shame Come From?

Our shame seems to come from what we do with the negative messages, negative affirmations, beliefs and rules that we hear as we grow up. We hear those from our parents, parent figures and other people in authority, such as teachers and clergy. These messages basically tell us that we are somehow not all right, not OK. That our feelings, our needs, our True Self, our Child Within, is not acceptable.

Over and over, we hear messages like "Shame on You!" "You're Bad!" "You're Not Good Enough!" We hear them so often, and from people on whom we are so dependent and to whom we are so vulnerable, that we believe them. And so we incoporate or *internalize* them into our very being.

As if that were not enough, the wound is *compounded* by negative rules that stifle and prohibit the otherwise healthy, healing and needed expression of our pains. Rules like "Don't feel," "Don't cry" and "Children are to be seen and not heard." And so not only do we learn that we are bad, but that we are not to talk openly about any of it.

However, these negative rules are often inconsistently enforced. The result? Difficulty in trusting rule-makers and authority figures, and feelings of fear, guilt, and more shame. And where do our parents learn these negative messages and rules? Most likely from their parents and other authority figures.

Your Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.

2. I have a right to discover and know my Child Within.

3. I have a right to grieve over what I didn't get that I needed or what I got that I didn't need or want.

4. I have a right to follow my own values and standards.

5. I have a right to recognize and accept my own value system as appropriate.

6. I have a right to say NO to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or violates my values.

7. I have a right to dignity and respect.

8. I have a right to make decisions.

9. I have a right to determine and honor my own priorities.

10. I have a right to have my needs and wants respected by others.

11. I have the right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.

12. I have the right NOT to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems.

13. I have a right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

14. I have a right to expect honesty from others.

15. I have a right to all of my feelings.

16. I have a right to be angry at someone I love.

17. I have a right to be uniquely me, without feeling I'm not good enough.

18. I have a right to feel scared and to say "I"m afraid."

19. I have the right to experience and then let go of fear, guilt and shame.

20. I have a right to make decisions based on MY feelings, my judgment or any reason I chose.

21. I have a right to change my mind at any time.

22. I have the right to be happy.

23. I have a right to stability--i.e. "roots" and stable healthy relationships of my choice.

24. I have the right to my own personal space and time needs.

25. There is no need to smile when I cry.

26. It is OK to be relaxed, playful and frivolous

27. I have the right to be flexible and be comfortable with doing so.

28. I have the right to change and grow.

29. I have the right to be open to improve communications skills so that I may be understood.

30. I have a right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

31. I have a right to be in a non-abusive environment.

32. I can be healthier than those around me.

33. I can take care of myself, no matter what.

34. I have the right to grieve over actual or threatened losses.

35. I have the right to trust others who earn my trust.

36. I have the right to forgive others and forgive myself.

37. I have the right to give and receive unconditional love.