COH Support Group For Members Only Page

Family Community
Online community for all family members of Hoarders, on the COH website. Where new articles and information about compulsive hoarding are posted on the front page.New "growing up and adult experiences" are also posted here as they are sent in. Need to have username (get an account) to view Forums (off-topic area too).

New to groups?

AAMOF -as a matter of fact,
AFAIK - as far as I know
B4N - bye for now
BTW - by the way
CMIIW - correct me if I'm wrong
DD: Dear Daughter,
DH: Dear Husband
DS: Dear Son
FIL: Father in Law
FOH: one of our group terms, means "Friends of Hoarders" support group
FWIW - for what it's worth
HTH: Hope this helps
IAC - in any case
IKWUM - I know what you mean
IMHO - in my humble opinion
IOW - in other words
KWIM - know what I mean
LOL - laughing out loud
MIL-Mother in Law
NBIF - no basis in fact
OTOH - on the other hand
ROTFL - rolling on the floor laughing (+MAO=my a** off)
TIA - thanks in advance
WTF-what the ****?

Emoticons: Also referred to as smileys, these symbols help convey tone or emotion in a message.
Some examples:
:-) happy
:) smile
:-( sad
;-) wink
:-o shock
surprise
:->devilish
:/ hmmm. . .

Too much group clutter? Want it to stop?
If you get the posts individually to your inbox, you can switch to getting them grouped all at once in a "Daily Digest" or not even get them at all. By selecting "No Mail" you won't get messages, but will remain a member of the group to read them when you feel like it. At the bottom of each message post you receive, you will find links to "Changing Message Delivery options". If you want to change your delivery options from the group site, go to "Edit Profile" at the top of the page, once there.

Chat Room To Talk in "Real Time" With Other Members

Click on "Enter Live Chat" on upper-left side of this page, or directly via this link.
For COH (& all family members of hoarders.) Open 24/7. Have an idea for a topic-based chat or want to lead one? Please let us know! Feel like talking in real time with our group members sometime? Send in a post to the Yahoo Group that you are in the chat room on the website and would like company. You will need a Family Community account to enter your username and password. Get one here.

No personal posts or materials posted are to be printed, forwarded, copied or in any way removed from this board or website forums without the expressed consent of the author. Continued membership in the Yahoo Group/website forums implies you agree to this policy. The copyright to COH stories and experiences submitted to our board(s) are retained by their authors (i.e. individual posters); all rights are reserved. The authors maintain proprietary right to all stories and experiences unless and until it is waived. If you intend to use or distribute any of the COH stories or experiences for a commercial purpose, you must contact the individual authors for written permission to do so.

The focus of our group is on children of hoarders and the challenges they face as a result of that status. Off-topic or abusive posts are discouraged, and members who persistently post disruptive,abusive, off-topic posts will be asked to leave the group at the discretion of the moderators.

Certain topics are viewed as particularly problematic, including politics and some types of religious discussion. Individuals wishing to share ideas on such topics are asked to do so off-board privately. Recognizing that religious perspectives sometimes play an important role in the COH experience, please see the section below entitled *Religious Posts* for guidelines to help to decide whether specific religious content will be considered "on-topic" for our boards, and therefore acceptable for general posting.

In general, however, we ask that members assume that good intentions motivate the postings of other members, and that they are civil to each other when controversy or misunderstanding arises. When a member feels that someone is ignoring the posting guidelines or is being inappropriate or disruptive, they are encouraged to attempt to resolve the issue privately and directly with the other member or to seek the private assistance of a moderator BEFORE submitting complaints to the entire group.

The Children of Hoarders Website Forums & Main Yahoo Group are tolerant of all religious perspectives- both in terms of belief and non-belief. We are a diverse and large group, and as such, we remind everyone to keep in mind the many different perspectives that exist here. The nature of recovery from difficult experiences (like ours) often leads people to a faith in something more powerful. We respect that choice. Sometimes, it has the opposite effect-and we respect that too. We appreciate anything and everything that brings comfort and inspiration to a COH, but in the context of our support boards, we ask that everyone respect the beliefs (or non-beliefs) of others and keep religious commentary to a minimum. It is generally acceptable to post as follows:

-Describing the role religion played in your relationship with your hoarding parent;
-Describing the role religion played in hoarding behavior;
-Telling someone "you will pray for them" and requesting others to pray for you;
-Saying "God Bless you," "Thanks be to God/Higher Power," or "Blessings;"
-Describing how your ‘Higher Power,’ faith, prayer, or other spiritual practice(s) gave/gives you strength to get through a difficult situation.

Out of consideration for the feelings of others and in keeping with the focus of our particular discussion board(s), we ask that posters refrain from posting: passages/quotes from any particular religious/spiritual text (e.g., the Bible, Koran, Buddhist texts, and others) or anything else that represents a particular belief system with which others may not identify. Any debates about religion or belief systems, we ask, respectfully, to be done off our discussion boards.

Other Considerations for the group in general:
-At COH, we understand that we all have things that we feel very strongly about, as well as our own "hot buttons."

Please avoid flaming (personal abusive attacks intended to incite, degrade, make fun of another person or their ideas with no positive outcome).

Please respect other people's right to have to their own opinion just as you have your opinion. The group moderators should be contacted if you cannot resolve the issue privately with another member.

We respectfully repeat, disagreements between members should *not* be posted for board discussion. -Because emotions, inflections, humorous intents and lightheartedness are difficult to convey through posts, we suggest the following when reading and posting: "Assume Good Faith" & "Remain Civil".

*DISCLAIMER* The moderators of these discussion groups are not a doctors, therapists or counselors. Children of Hoarders the organization cannot be held liable for any breach of confidence by its Yahoo Group or Website Forum members. The information here is not intended, and should not be used to replace the care or diagnosis of a medical professional or therapist. While we try to make this group as safe as possible for members to share amongst other COH & their spouses only, we cannot guarantee that some members are not who this group was intended for, and gave false information to join.

File Section
From the group home page you will find a menu on the left-side of the page with a link to our file section, which members are welcome to contribute to. The direct link to the file section is here.

How You Can Help Our Group
By supporting other members that post and making sure they feel HEARD. Maybe follow-up with them later so they know they are remembered and are valuable.

Posts on recovering from growing up in dysfunctional families, healing...are needed!

Start a weekly repeating topic with a positive message on focusing on ourselves.

Send out a COHUGET warning to remind our members about not to carry unhealthy guilt.

This is YOUR GROUP and your help in in making it the best place possible for COH to receive support is welcome!

When you can't cry anymore, many of us choose to laugh, as our coping mechanism. However, some of the humor used in this group might not be funny to everyone, especially those with hoarding tendencies. We understand that this group is not going to be a good fit for everyone, and we leave that up to each member to decide on their own. While we hope it won't offend, the use of humor will always be welcome, in whatever form, in this particular group.

Post from a member:
"Honestly, I think this might be the most important dynamic of the COH group, in reassuring us that YES! Your view is NOT crazy, this IS unhealthy and the hoarder's avoidance/blame is just a coping mechanism or aspect of the illness because it is NOT just the hoarder's reaction to YOU and all the other family members who 'don't understand.'

Truly, I have been able to let go of so much anger and frustration knowing that this IS a disorder and that others experience it in the same way.What has been healthy for me in the short time I have been here is to finally laugh about some of things my mom does. Some of it is sooooo crazy and I never had anyone to share it with. Let alone anyone who identified with what I talking about.

Now I can look at some of this and say yes it is crazy & even find some humor in the craziness!For example, shortly after I joined I asked about if anyone else had a parent who used a little notebook to keep track of who knows what. I received several humorous replies from others who knew exactly what I was talking about. It is good to finally laugh about some of this. So much of what we deal with is serious & can be just down right depressing, but the interjections of humor help to keep things in perspective, at least for me!"-xxxx

If you have hoarding tendencies or hoard
If you are a COH that hoards or has tendencies, we don't know if this is the right group for you, but you will be the best judge of that! This particular group does not focus on the recovery steps from hoarding, but more on the effects it has on family members and how we can help our loved ones suffering from it. Here is some information that will hopefully be of help to you though!:

Some sections from Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding book & exercises

Photo Albums, adding photos
From the group home page you will find a menu on the left-side of the page with a link to our Photo Album section where members have uploaded their photos. You can create your own album too if you'd like. Here's how...
1. Go to the group home page
2. In the menu on the left, click PHOTOS
3. In the upper right-hand corner of that page you will see "Create Photo Album".
4. You will be asked to name your album & for a description.
5. Click "Personal Album" so only you can add photos to your album.
6. Then...upload the photos one by one from where you have them saved on your computer. Add a description too if you'd like.

There is also an album for "COH Having Fun" and we hope you'll have something to add to that group album too sometime!

From the group home page you will find a menu on the left-side of the page with a link to our poll section. Once in a great while there will be the need for a poll to be conducted. Most of these polls, however, are from the very beginning of the group's existence,when we were just discovering other COH for the first time. Feel free to continue to vote in any you want. Members can also create their own poll for the group by clicking "create poll." Feel free to! Direct link to polls.

Resources:
Main page on the HelpingHoarders.com site with pull-down menu or...
Cleaning Companies by state
Crisis cleaning advice, including discarding & donating
Doctors, Therapists & Counselors by state/country
Elderly/Aging & Legal Resources
Hoarding Task Forces by state & related news stories
Professional Organizers specializing in chronic disorganization (also see companion site)
Treatment Centers & Support Groups for compulsive hoarders by state/country

On the home page to the group, above where the messages start to be listed, you will find a SEARCH BOX on the upper-right. Enter your search term in that box and click "search."

You can also enter a member name or email address in that box to locate posts written by a specific member. (You can also click on the "Advanced Search" option link to narrow down your searches by date period, etc.)

To search by a MESSAGE #, while at the group home page, above the messages at the upper-left, you will find a link for "View All." Click on that and a page will appear that will provide you with two search boxes. One to enter in a message # to search for, or a search term. Enter the message # you are looking for in the box on the left and click "GO."

Note: While viewing the messages from the group site, you will find there are various options to view messages-"Expand" (where you will see all of the message), "Simplified" (where you will only see a part), group by topic (where only one message about that subject/in that thread will be showing, and "list individually."
Direct link to search archives.

You can delete your own messages but not another member's. Click the checkbox to the left or your message while in "View All Messages" mode and then select the "delete" button at the top or bottom of the page.

Please try to:
-Trim messages (only include what you are replying to in response, since most of us will have read original message already. When this isn't done, it make the Daily Digest of messages very long and boring to read and can turn members off from reading it. More info. on how to do that can be found at this helpful site.) The most important thing is YOU POST-if you are having a hard time "trimming", we won't be upset, just please keep it in mind.

-Change subject line to reflect topic if it changes. (helps with future message searches on the topic)
-General list etiquette info., FAQ's about email groups.

Vocabulary/Terms regarding Compulsive Hoarding & Related

A.P.S.
Adult Protective Services

...Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that is designed to break two types of associations that occur in OCD: The association between objects and situations that cause distress, the association between carrying out ritualistic behavior to decrease distress. A method of therapy for treating Hoarding.The goal is to demonstrate we can have thoughts and experience distress without participating in rituals (rituals are "banned" for full immersion in anxiety)without losing control or "having to shut anxiety down." This is to show rituals are short term anxiety relievers that in fact increase obsessions, and that rituals are not the only way to decrease anxiety.

Exposure
A procedure/therapy technique in which you are purposely confronted with objects or situations that promote distress and stay in those situations without performing rituals ("banned")long enough for anxiety to decrease by itself.

Habituation
The process of learning to tolerate an anxiety-producing situation through exposure.

SUDS Levels
Subjective Units of Distress. "Anxiety temperature." A way of measuring the anxiety levels from 1-10 (re: hoarding; while discarding or at place of acquisition.) More info.

Vocabulary We Made Up and Use

COH:
"Children of Hoarders"

"Clean Hoard"
is a term we came up with in our COH Group for Hoarding situations that don't have the animal/human waste...or where our parents don't necessarily let the dirty dishes pile up, let the litter boxes overflow, keep their bathrooms as clean as they can, etc. They just have a TON of STUFF."

Dirty Hoard"
is what we call the opposite of clean hoard-which sometimes may include their personal hygiene practices as well, unfortunately.

Initially I was concerned about some of the guilt that various people in the group were experiencing. It seemed like it wasn't really guilt that they had done anything to deserve, so this post was the result:

Guilt is not necessarily a bad thing. Guilt can be like pain. Pain is nature's way of telling people that whatever they just did is not something that they should repeat. Healthy guilt is a good thing, especially if I am listening to my inner voice. The majority of people have a problem with not feeling guilty often enough, especially in this day and age of "You don't have any right to judge me."

COH on the other hand have a tendancy to have the opposite problem. Because our hoarders frequently blame us for their problems (see above paragraph), we often accept that blame because.... Well, let's face it, we didn't have the tools emotionally to reply back that the problem wasn't that we weren't doing enough around the house. We were dependant on our parents for survival and we didn't really have any other option other than accepting the guilt.

Well, I am writing today on behalf of the COH Unhealthy Guilt Erradication team. I have very good news for everyone here at COH. Today and tomorrow are officially "No Unhealthy Guilt for All COH members" weekend. Now since many of us struggle with knowing whether a specific guilty feeling is healthy or not, I will provide a list of healthy versus unhealthy guilt.

HEALTHY GUILT
-Murder
-Hurting animals intentionally(except for recognized pests)
-Child abuse
-Setting off nuclear weapons

UNHEALTHY GUILT
-Not knowing what to do in regard to our hoarder
-Finding humor in the situation our hoarders have put us in
-Telling our hoarder how they have affected us
-Not telling our hoarder how they have affected us
-Calling the state to report our hoarders
-Not calling the state to report our hoarders
-Cleaning out the hoard without their knowledge or permission
-Not cleaning out the hoard

For the rest of the weekend, you don't have to feel guilty. You have done the best job you knew how to. Venting your feelings here any way that helps you (sarcasm, laughter, ranting, anger, etc..) is a very good thing. There is no better or safer place to do that. We have been beatup, injured, and yes abused by our hoarders. Read that last line again. Your emotions are okay, whatever they are. Enjoy the weekend. Your hoarder and your guilt will be there Monday, unless this is a massive cleanout weekend for you, and you probably won't be reading this anyway.

For those who are doing clean outs this weekend, the next 4 days after the cleanout are your No Unhealthy Guilt days (You deserve the double days). Now, take the guilt off and put it down someplace out of the way. The back of the coat closet, or under the kitchen sink are two suggestions. There doesn't that feel better? Enjoy!!-xxxx---

That seemed to strike a chord with people so I decided it needed an acronym because the full name was too much to type over and over. So COHUGET was launched....... From now until the end of the weekend, the COHUGET (pronounced co- huge-tee) has declared a "No Unhealthy Guilt" warning. This is a warning, not a watch. That means that you need to stash your unhealthy guilt now and leave it stashed until Monday morning. The previous stash sites are acceptable (under the kitchen sink, behind the fridge), but the recommended unhealthy guilt stashing site is under the nearest pile of dog excrement. The nastier the better, that way you will be much less inclined to retrieve it before Monday morning. Notice that I did not say "your dogs....". The ownership of the dog is irreverent. NO WAIT!!!! I am irreverent. The ownership of the dog is irrelevant. We hope you enjoy the weekend free of the burden of the guilt that you should never have been given. It wasn't your fault, it isn't your fault, and it never will be your fault! -xxxx

P.I.S.S.
Post Intervention Stress Sydrome
Refers to the emotions felt, similar to PTSD, after an intervention or clean-out, whether successful or not.

Created by a member:
Wed Aug 30, 2006
"It seems like the majority of COH have a significant let down after an intervention. It seems like it doesn't matter a whole lot whether the intervention was a complete success, a partial success, or extremely disappointing.My guess is that the pre-intervention period creates huge amounts of hope, and anticipation, the intervention itself involves incredible amounts of stress trying to keep all the balls in the air and deal with the raw nerves, frayed tempers, etc. No matter the outcome there is a huge let down when it is all over.It can take weeks, and sometimes longer to get through. I think it could be a very good resource to have some of the people coming off of interventions sort of keep a diary of sorts here. We could offer our own experiences and see if there is any consistency. It might be helpful for COH that are preparing for their first intervention to know that this is a normal reaction.
-xxxx

PS: The acronym was an accident, but I love it!!!!!Post-Intervention Stress Syndrome a.k.a. PISS.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
More on P.I.S.S.

W.U.E.D.
"Walls up, Expectations Down",
term created by two members about being careful not to get hopes up.

Unsubscribing
Click on the link to "Unsubscribe" at the bottom of the emailed message post or go to "edit profile" from the group home page. Don't forget to confirm your request to unsubscribe that will be emailed to you to complete this. We send no parting surveys to complete.

**When you send the email to unsubscribe, it goes to Yahoo, not to the group or the moderators. So, if you write anything with your unsubscribe request,... we will never see it, unless you email a copy to the moderators/ owners separately.**