About growing up and adult children of hoarders (COH):
For many, growing up in an environment of constant chaos and disorganization has effects that go far beyond living amongst the accumulation of possessions or not being able to have friends over. Our parents who hoard often hid behind closed blinds isolating themselves from the world outside.
Many of us hid behind those blinds with them, keeping the "secret."
Grown, too many of us still do.
Adult children of Compulsive Hoarders are just now finding our voices to speak up about growing up with our parents having a serious and very misunderstood disorder.
This is often the "elephant in the living room" that is not easily discussed, if at all. Compulsive Hoarders often lack insight to having a problem at all. Children sometimes get blamed for the state of the house-that it's their fault. We knew we were "different from the other kids."
To a child's mind, it can appear that the parent suffering from this disorder values and appreciates "things/objects/animals" more than the child. It can seem that those "things", and keeping the secret about the house, always comes before them. This hurts. Because this disorder is fueled by anxiety, a Hoarder can express an extreme range of emotions when their things are touched or moved-this is difficult for a young mind to understand, especially when trying to "clean up to make things better."
.
Self-esteem can be damaged.
.
Many of us as adults identify with numerous traits of
Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.
*
Growing up where your authority figure has distorted thoughts about objects or animals (and often, co-existing personality disorders and/or extreme perfectionism standards, getting in trouble for throwing things away that most would consider waste, and being reprimanded by the parent-is confusing to a child.
.
Many of us as adults, still hold our breath at the sound of the doorbell-because we've learned "you aren't supposed to let people IN."
We carry the shame with us, even though we've moved away.
.
We worry about our elderly parent's living in hazardous conditions to include fire hazards that we can't do anything about. Often, they won't let us help them, or even let us in.
.
A big misconception by the general public seems to be that the adult children just walk away from them due to lack of concern to let them live in those conditions because we don't care. Due to the Hoarder's extreme anxiety over their things being "touched-moved-violated", it's not that we don't want to help them-often we try, desperately, to convince them to let us.
.
Professionals tell us that "unless a person is a danger to themselves or others, they have a right to live the way they want." Often we must wait until there is a health crisis or their living conditions are reported by someone else, before we are allowed to even enter their home to help. Reporting our own parents to authorities so we can help them is a very difficult and painful action many of us get faced with.
In addition, when our parents won't get the help and support they need to overcome their compulsions to save, often the emotional and financial burden of cleaning up the insurmountable accumulation is done by their ...children. Cleaning companies can charge thousands per day to clear out these homes.
Clearing these homes without professional help when it can't be afforded is extremely physically and, emotionally taxing. Seeing the conditions the parent has lived in, that their child has "allowed" them live in (because they don't force help on them like we are advised not to by professionals)-can cause much guilt.
We don't want to report our parents to authorities. We don't want to forcibly intervene or petition the courts to find our parents "incompetent" so we can get them living out of squalor and safer.
We need help in learning how to help our parents.
We'd like to see the general public stop laughing at our parents who have this disorder.
These aren't just "Hoarders" or "crazy cat ladies" to us.
These are our parents we care about that have a compulsive disorder they did not ask for.
We hope the impact on family members is recognized, and more support is established for everyone touched by Compulsive Hoarding, in particular, the young children growing up in it.
Can anyone help us come up with more options to help our parents that hoard?
A few of our repeating topics in our support group.
5 Stages of Change for Compulsive Hoarding
ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder, many of our parents either diagnosed or suspected. Some of us do too.
ADD Online Evaluation Test (by Amen Clinics)
Adult Children of Alcoholic's Characteristics & Roles
Adult Protective Services, Services for Elderly.
"Alternate Realities" in our homes versus "outside"
Anger from parents when you try to bring it up, deflection off the topic
Animal Hoarding
Anxiety at sound of doorbell even as adults in our own homes
Being blamed for the condition of the house or keeping track of missing things as children
Being Made Fun Of At School as a child
Books About Hoarding and self-help for COH
Boundaries & Emotionally Detaching
Buried in Treasures book
Chapter 23 to read & learn about Hoarding
Cleaning Company Advice on choosing one
Codependence
Crisis Cleaning Advice by those that have done it
Degrees of Hoarding/Squalor
Diogenes Syndrome
Disassociation/Emotional Numbing
Disportionate Power in Family
Emotional/Covert Incest
Expiration Dates-foodstuff
Feeling responsible to help "keep secret"
Gift Giving Ideas For A Hoarder.............see some ideas here: 
Glass Castle The, book
Going on "acquisition trips" (like craft fairs, Goodwill) rather than kid-friendly activities w/parent
Guilt
Growing Up Stories Sent In To Website
Having hoarding tendencies too but trying to fight them
Having an "Elephant in the livingroom."
Having Children Of Our Own Doubts
Having guests in our homes............see some helpful hints, here: 
Hoarder Commonality List
Hoarders Aren't Alone, online video to show parent?
HOardersOn Blog (member)with his online videos
Hoarding running in our families
Hotels vs. Staying In Hoarder's Home During Visits
How To Help A Hoarder See They Have a Disorder/Need Help
In-Laws of Hoarders
In-Laws (yours) Finding Out About The Hoarding
In
formation To Gather On Our Parents To Have On-Hand
Interventions
Marie Claire 8/2007 article, "Daughters of Hoarders"
"Mess of the House", stepson's (member) videos of helping
"My Mother's Garden Documentary" made by a daughter (& member, Cynthia) KNBC-LA News Video.
Narcissism
News Stories About Compulsive Hoarding & Related
Non-hoarding parent an enabler
Not Being Able To Have Friends Over Growing Up
Not comfortable having guests in own home as adults
OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , in our parents and/or in ourselves
OCPD: Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
Online video "Voices of COH", from quotes from stories sent in
Only children of hoarders
Oprah Show about Hoarding 11/2007 & site visitor comments.
Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding book.
Parents bringing over a bonanza of "gifts" in bags when they visit
Parents buying things for our children that they've been asked them not to or age inappropriate
Parents buying duplicates of gifts given so they "have a copy"
Parents and tax time, a bad combination as paperwork can't be found
Parents thrilled about getting a "bargain" when money wasted in many other ways
Perfectionism Traits in our parents
Post Intervention Stress Syndrome
Purging, ridding self of belongings to prove not like parent
Power of Attorney over parent & complications of having it
Readers Digest article about Hoarding member "db" wrote
Resentment at having to clean it all up one day and how that will be coordinated
Resources for Help by state
Refusing Inheritance/Disclaiming Bequests.
Routines, difficulty establishing them. Support Group for COH following the FLY Lady program
Reporting a Parent to Authorities
Scared of turning into a Hoarder too, member posts. Is It Genectic?
Selling A Hoarded House
Sequestered in Squalor Video about COH, by daughter and member, hoolahoop/Angeline
Siblings living close by often the ones that don't bring up the hoarding.
Socially isolating ourselves
"Stuff," Essay by Tyler Gore, son of hoarder
Survivor Guilt
The Learning Channel's "Help I'm a Hoarder" videos
Therapist's Guide to Treating Compulsive Hoarding book
Things Some COH Have In Common. Also, check out page 4 here, rt-hand column.
Things Some Of Our Parents Have In Common
Tracy's Story
When you grow up in a dysfunctional family
Your Personal Bill of Rights, Healing the Child Within
Notes & Announcements:
•Oprah Show/Peter Walsh looking for Children of Hoarders: Are you the child of a hoarder? If you grew up in the home of a parent
that was or is a hoarder, Peter would like to talk to you. Did the
hoarding play a role in your youth? Are you currently a hoarder, a
neat person or somewhere in between. If you are the product of a
hoarding household write or call 1866 Oprah XM and leave Peter a message. Past Oprah Shows with Peter Walsh.
11/2007 Oprah Show about Hoarding.
•August 2007 Marie Claire Article: "Daughters of Hoarders" (pdf)
•A COH in MN is looking for help in raising awareness about Hoarding & Family. Here is what she wrote in to us:
In Desperate Need Of Volunteers/
Here is my background story.
I'm in the process of starting a support network in Minnesota. Are you or anyone you know (professionals or COH) interested in participating?
Please contact: Email or:
Kids Matter,P.O. Box 209,Crookston, MN 56716
•A COH is starting to write a children's book about Hoarding (and how it's not the child's fault,) and the main character is a squid. She is looking for help with ideas on content and presentation. We'll be happy to forward your email to her, so she can contact you.
|
-
