Hi, I have been married 31 years and I love my husband to
bits but.....

I love him, he is the most wonderful, kind, generous, loving man
I could ever wish to have and I know he loves me in spite of his
problem. He has been a good father to our children, a good son to his mother.

I try to follow the Dalai Lama's philosophy of transferring my anger
and frustration away from him and onto his behaviour. I hate his problem- not him...

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This form was submitted:  Oct 16 2007 / 12:47:48



feedback = Hi, I have been married 31 years and I love my husband to
bits but.....

He has always been a compulsive hoarder.

Until recently it was manageable and we still had places to put the
stuff.
Since he has retired it has escalated.

Now the loft, the cellar, the double garage, the spare double bedroom,
the built-in cupboards and one of the kitchen units are all full of it
and I can't put it away or compact it down any further.
In the lounge we have double rows of books on the bookshelves, more
underneath on the floor, heaps of miscellaneous stuff in 2 corners, boxes
of old vinyl lps and videos in another and piles of unread magazines.
All of these he intends to read,listen to or watch one day when he is
bored. Most of them have been here years. Some of them are infested with
paper-mites.

In the loft along with our current camping gear we have numerous
no-longer-weatherproof tents and unsafe camping cookers, his old
(broken)skis, old computers, telephones,hi-fi, cardboard boxes and bits of wood.
The(seriously damp)cellar contains his brother's no-longer-wanted
boot-fair stock which we have been given permission to throw away but he
won't, old junk furniture bought but never used, brewing/fermenting gear
(which we do use), wine (which we do drink!)and more boxes.

The garage is full of tools - mostly useful, some not - old bits of
wood, more furniture, diy leftovers, building materials and so on. Most of
that could be useful if he could only find what he needed in the mess!
The spare double bedroom is his study. There is a path to the desk with
this pc on it between the piles of old hifi, computers, printers,
boxes of cables,components etc.

Outside in the area by the back door is his collection of old (sodden
and woodwormy)doors, interesting bits of metal, a defunct fire
extinguisher and 2 derelict vans (also full of stuff though some of that will be
used).
Even the freezer is a part of this. He buys more food than we can eat,
freezes it, but rejects any attempts at using it - "why can't we eat
fresh food?"

Attempts to get him to sort through and throw away anything are met
with reluctance followed by either distress or anger or both after a few
minutes of aimlessly moving things round and round.

He isn't elderly - only 53 - so not senile. He was happy to retire
early after his employer folded. We own our house outright. We get no state
help as we are not short of money.

I think he hasn't coped with the the huge life-change of retirement and
I don't know how to help him through it.
He rejects any suggestions of outside help.
He can't help himself.

I worked out that the stuff in the house that I really care about would
fit into one small room. The rest is just furnishings and his
accumulated hoard. I feel as if I live in someone else's storeroom.

BUT - I love him, he is the most wonderful, kind, generous, loving man
I could ever wish to have and I know he loves me in spite of his
problem. He has been a good father to our children, a good son to his mother.

I try to follow the Dalai Lama's philosophy of transferring my anger
and frustration away from him and onto his behaviour. I hate his problem
- not him.

That is how I cope.

Thanks for reading this and I hope someone somewhere will feel less
alone in coping with their hoarder.