After trying to fight the battle for and with her for 30 years, all I
can say to younger children of hoarders is help yourself, help your
children, and da*n-the-niceties in talking to your parents in getting them
psychological help. In our case and from what I've read so far, it only
gets worse as the years go by...

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This form was submitted:  Feb 18 2008 / 06:56:31

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It is reassuring to find that my childhood was not so
different from many of the adult children of hoarders posting here.  Grew up
in a family with other issues (alcoholism, divorce, siblings with
mental health issues) but my mother's hoarding did not reach full flower
until my grandfather passed away. All his stuff came into her house, and a
gradual personality change started happening - manifesting finally
with hoarding. She kept everything from his old clothes to empty jars. Kid
bro and I had to gradually sneak it out what we could into the trash.

As a child, I went through the same things: not being able to have
friends over, schoolwork going missing, decaying garbage, house slowly
falling apart, secretive life of mess.

My younger brother and I both left as soon as we could. I moved out at
17, he joined the Navy. Two eldest brothers are estranged from the
family, and have for years lived in worse squalor than what they grew up
with despite making good livings. Kid brother also has some hoarding
tendencies, but recognizes them and is dealing with it well. He doesn't
want to end up like mom.

In my mother's 50s & 60s she would still have people over despite the
clutter and mess, often saying "People are comfortable here..." in
complete denial of the mouse droppings, years-past-expiration packaged
foods, mounds of paper, unworn new clothes and unboxed purchases. Friends
would share their concerns with us on the sly, too polite to say anything
to her directly.

Thing was, she was so dignified and perfect to the external world - it
was like all her internal chaos was reflected in the house.

I would go home once or twice a year from 600 miles away to clean for a
week for years - clean while mom was at work so she wouldn't see what
was getting thrown away. When my daughter was young, she didn't know
any better about grandma and was pretty laid back on visits. Now, as a
teenager, the last place she wants to spend a week in the summer is at
her grandmother's <sigh>. This year, I have told her that we will stay
somewhere else and just visit during the day. No overnights.

The last time I cleaned, I spent over a week straight of 18 hours days
and made the long trip 10 times over a summer to prepare for mom to get
home from the hospital after hip surgery. She was afraid that the
social worker would not let her go home if she couldn't get around.

I threw away nearly 100 contractor bags of stuff, took everything out
of rooms and scrubbed from the ceiling down. The house looked better
than it had in years, despite not getting to two of the three bedrooms.

Six months later, it was back to disaster.

I won't do it again. I can't. It was emotionally and physically
ravaging.

Ex-husband was a mild hoarder (a "collector") as well. Daughter and I
ended up reliving my childhood: not able to have people over, I would
clean to have it undone within days, etc. When he finally moved out, I
reclaimed the house between trash, junk haulers, and freecycle and found
stashes in basement rooms that reached nearly to the ceiling (I
couldn't get to it before, didn't know it was there because he had stuff in
front of the doors).

Daughter now invites friends over with little or no notice - the house
can be tidied up in 20 minutes. I have people over for the first time
in 7 years. It looks and feels like a normal home...I refused to have my
daughter go through the same things that I had.

I don't know what to do about my mother any more. She's in her 70s, kid
brother tries his best to keep what he can in order, but for a woman
who is physically able to leave the house, drive and do normal physical
activity - she remains in the house, ordering things over the internet
and from television, refusing to leave the house. Aging has brought on
agoraphobia as well.

Mom won't go to a therapist - we were not permitted to talk to school
counselors or therapists as children (heaven forbid family issues be
talked about!) and told me once that she was proud she came as far as she
did "without getting on the couch." I told her that was because we
ended up on the couch instead...I was joking, but not really.

It took 4 years of therapy 2x a week to get over the childhood stuff in
my 20s, and while I accept responsibility for not finishing college on
my own (kudos to those here who did), I also know that had I stayed
home and gone to school life would have been a lot different. I have a
great job and generous salary, but it's not what I wanted to do <sigh>.

I know this is a lost battle at her age and with her fervent denial of
it being a problem. The house is decaying around her - she wants
perfection or nothing, and I see now those things are linked. That
all-or-nothing perfectionism is tied in so many ways to her hoarding and at the
same time letting everything else (including a relationship with her
granddaughter) slip away.

After trying to fight the battle for and with her for 30 years, all I
can say to younger children of hoarders is help yourself, help your
children, and da*n-the-niceties in talking to your parents in getting them
psychological help. In our case and from what I've read so far, it only
gets worse as the years go by.