There was not much I could
do to help out, since she needed complete control over the process and
my interfering ended in fights, however tactfull I would try to be. So
I too, had to learn to let go...

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This form was submitted:  Aug 28 2007 / 21:39:31


story = I am a francophone, so sorry for my english, I will do my best
to write properly. I will tell you about my ex-spouse, wich I find a
very inspiring woman. I do not pretend telling her own truth, of course,
but my own point of view. She is one of the most talented and
courageous person I have ever met.

Now a good friend, she does not accumulate a
lot of things without an actual purpose no more, but she still keeps
some old stuff. I do not like to say she is a Hoarder, because I think no
one should identify with a desease, and I try to consider her problem
something aside from her whole person, who has wonderfull ways in other
spheres of life. I would never have guessed she had this compulsive
habit from her professional and social life, but I did'nt know about it
at the time either. It took years just to be allowed to wait in the
entrance of her home and she would say she was solitary, wich is also true.
She was also obviously shy, but know I can see she was also ashame
  and afraid. Reading this web site helps me understand her better, and
recognising some situations has a healing effect on me. I suffered a
lot from this sad situation, and still suffer.

As other relatives of
people with this problem, I always felt like she loved her junk more than
herself and more than I. And do I know junk has nothing to do with this
beautiful, proud lady. But in the long run, I also realised my friend
is probably suffering a lot more than I can even imagine. She hardly
lets nobody else than I and a few old friends come in. Often she phones
me before a friend's arrival to get some help to clean up and make some
space, but she controles every object I try to place elsewhere or
dispose of temporarely and we can have arguments over needles ! If
accidently I break anything of any value (even of no value at all), she can
become so mad she througs me out. I have to mention my ignorance at some
point has led me to msijudge and hurt her greatly with my remarks. My
  friend is strongly aware of her problem and has improoved a lot, so I
feel no regrets helping out, coming back to her and insisting for
changes.

At some point, she was always mad at me and every step toward
intimacy of any kind was seemed as intrusion and disrespect. We had to put
an end to the love relationship. the decision was a relief for both of
us but there is no doubt we deeply love each other. Since than, her
improovements are way over my hopes and she is doing the changes for
herself. Both of us feel better now that we let go of some of our projects
together. It took years for her to make significative changes in her
appartment. I still think her place is a bit dangerous, one has to be very
cautious because things like large pieces of wood resting against the
walls can fall down, etc.

Now only one room is still full of different
stuff. She slowly cleaned up everything else (3 other rooms) almost by
herself, one box (or bag, or drawer, or basket)at a time and stoppi
ng for weeks or months before attaking her task again, needing to see
and consider every object or piece of paper. There was not much I could
do to help out, since she needed complete control over the process and
my interfering ended in fights, however tactfull I would try to be. So
I too, had to learn to let go. After all, these are her belongings,
weither or not I find them usefull or approuve of her keeping them.

Sometimes, I offer to go bring some stuff she has already choose to give
away to charity or to accompany her. Sometimes it  accelerates a bit the
process. Many times, the stuff stays in for another month or year
because she needs to think about it again (not for years no more). We painted
almost all of her appartment recently and she is slowly but surely
redecorating in a very nice and confortable way, keeping too much for my
taste, but nothing that has not to do with an interior, wich seems to me
like paradise compared to what I experienced. My friend has endured
 severe psychological, physical and sexual abuse during most of her
childhood. She says she can't let go because of being unable to keep
possession of her own body and mind for so long.

She also still receives
gifts from her abuser, boxes full of cheap things this person sends her,
and she insists on keeping theese things and reading the letters, to
remind her how disturbed is this person and never to go back to a close
relationship with her, so she says. This in particular, to have to see
her abuser's stuff disposed everywhere around her, still hurts me a
lot. I try to remind my-self the process of healing is entirely hers, and
I try to rejoyce seeing her keep less and less and maybe, someday
hopefully, she will not feel the need to open these "gifts" no more. I think
her reaction has a lot to do with finding nobody in her family to ever
believe the agressions had realy occured and also medical staff and
educators giving credit to the abusive adult instead of listening to
a child's obvious distress.

My friend is now helping out other people
who struggle just like she does, some for different reasons and in
different ways. Everybody has his own healing power within. One can only be
there, telling honestly his own truth, respecting the other's and
oneself too, even when it looks strange, even when solutions do not seem to
make sens with one,s beliefs, asking gently what can be done,
reasuring and being patient. One can remember love is humble, love is patient
and love is worth it.