I always wondered if
they would report us.  A unexpected doorbell ring threw me into extreme
anxiousness- who was at the door? Do they need to come in? They will
see this mess I am living in and what will they think of me? I was good
at holding the door barely open with my body blocking the mess...

Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted on Tuesday,
April 29th, 2008 at 09:49 PM.


Relationship : adult daughter
Source : Dr. Phil
Message :

So after, watching a few hoarders on TV (Oprah and Dr. Phil),
  I am saddeded at what the adult children of the hoarders are going
through and it reminds me of my own childhood. While what I grew up in
was not to the same degree as these individuals that were on this show I
believe that it evokes the same feelings. I can remember when I was
elementary age (my parents were still married at that time) my house being
"messy" and that I was "embarrased" to have anyone see it or come over
but it was nothing compared to what it would become.... 

Fast forward to when I was a teenager and I lived in a mobile home with
my sister and mom.  My sister was not there for too long as she joined
the military and left and I really do not remember her being involved
much in this cycle. I don't feel she really added or helped control the
problem. I was always the "cleaner" of the family. My room was very
orderly and I kept it up all my life.  When my sister and I shared a
room, there was even a clear line dividing my clean side with her messy
side (mostly just clothes on the floor).  It was extremely difficult for
me to keep up with my mom though- and I don't know why but it was.

Our house would get so "messy"- there would be "stuff" everywhere. The
tables (coffee table and dinette table) would get piled high with stuff
and those pieces of furniture were never useable especially the
dinette table.  To this day, I hate coffee tables and will never own one- I
see it only as another place to put useless trash. I get nervous with
dinette tables but you really do need one. When I was a teen, I would
never let anyone over and if someone came to pick me up or dropped me off-
I never let them in and always waited by the window to time it right
so that I could come out the door as they pulled up- I never risked the
chance that they could see into the house through the door as I came
out or ask to use the toilet/phone.  A few times repair men would come
for various things and I would of course clean the place for the
millionth time before they came over except for my mom's bedroom- it was a room
I never touched!

Often the "cleaning" I did was really staging- it was
hiding things in closets and in piles or "throwing it" in my mom's
abyss of a room. My heart would pound the whole time they were there and I
would be extremely anxious.  Wondering where they would go- what they
would see. I couldn't wait for them to leave.  Sometimes they had to
enter my mom's room and I was extremely ashaimed and embarrased and
wondered what they thought of us... and mostly of me.  I always wondered if
they would report us.  A unexpected doorbell ring threw me into extreme
anxiousness- who was at the door? Do they need to come in? They will
see this mess I am living in and what will they think of me? I was good
at holding the door barely open with my body blocking the mess.

It was a constant battle of cleaning up and getting fed up of cleaning
and letting it go until I couldn't stand it anymore and I would clean
it again. Everytime I expected my mom to be happy with what I had
accomplished and would be surprised to hear that she wasn't happy at all- in
fact she seemed upset by it and worried about what I had thrown away.
She would then clutter it right up as soon as she had a chance.  Often
you couldn't sit on the couch without sitting on something and you
couldn't really walk without stepping on something. Everywhere was "trashed"
except for my room.... it was clean- it was my space- she didn't dare
put her stuff and mess in there! So I don't know if my mom is a hoarder
or clutterer or just messy/lazy/depressed- we never had so much stuff
piled as high as people but we did have stuff everywhere- all over the
floor, tables, couches etc. 

My mom's room was really bad (to me).  The
crap was prob as high as her bed and it was everywhere- you could
never see the floor and she often slept on the couch because the stuff was
all over her bed- you could barely open the door to her room because
the stuff was blocking the door.  When I cleaned up the dining room,
kitchen, living room and bathroom- I would just fling her stuff into her
room!  I was completely opposite- I was not a saver- I had no problem
throwing anything away and I had the mindset that if it can sit in a box
of stuff for a month- untouched you don't need it!  I also didn't care
if my mom was upset if I threw it away- I knew it was all trash and
needed to go and I never felt guilty about doing that to her! I was mad
that she wouldn't do it herself. Everything was needed to her- "someone
might need it oneday". I would just tell her that when that day came that
we or they could just buy it!

We often used plastic bowls and utensils because everything was used
and dirty- sitting in the sink and counters rotting.  It would be hard to
want to clean the kitchen- where do you start when it is overwhelming
and there is no place to even begin to organize disorganization. Also
being scared of the rotting stuff in the bowls and on the plates....
once it was clean I would vow to not let it get to that point again but
the cycle would always begin again. I always wondered why did I let
things get to that point? What was wrong with me? Even though the BIG
problem was my mom I was a teenager- I was able to do things- so why wasn't I
more consistent. I always threw food away that was expired or if I
didn't know what it was.

My mom constantly bought things she didn't need-
stuff at goodwill- even if it was a smaller size! It was a good deal
and one day she would fit into them- of course that day never came! She
was full of "one day's" and "someday when"- "Someday when I win the
lottery....",  "Someday we will go.......", "I will get to it later/after"
were things I heard all my life.  I quickly realized that nothing she
said would EVER happen.  I am now a "I will believe it when I see it
happening" person. 

When I was 18, I went to college.  Eventually I worried that my mom
would be found out that she was living in filth and was the "cat lady" and
I always worried about how it would reflect on me.  And then people
would think that I was trash and filthy too. When I was almost 22, my
sister moved back in with my mom.  A few things I remember about this- One
day my sister asked me to help her clean- she had a boyfriend and
wanted to be able to have him come over. We spent 14 hours in one day
cleaning- I think maybe my mom spent the day/night with her boyfriend and
didn't know what we were up to! That was the worst I had ever seen it.

It
was hard work but it felt really good to me and I had to keep my
sister motivated- she was drowning in this crap and had a hard time
believing we could do it. I will always remember this one item that I threw
away- it was a car manual for a car my mom didn't own anymore (but that
someone would need one day- and I would tell her to not worry about what
somebody may need in the future and to only worry abut what she needs
right now!).  Anyway I saw it and I threw it away with happiness and
told my sister that she will never know. I mean how would anyone know what
they have and where it is in this chaos. 

Of course she would always
say she knew where everything was (roughly). A few weeks or months
later- she was looking for it!  Someone at work had a similar car w/o a
manual and she wanted to give it to them! Of all things to help prove to
her that she was right!! At first I felt bad but really it wasn't the
same model car and it wasn't her problem.  Now you can prob just look it
up on the internet but not then. 

The other thing that even today I am
embarrased by was that one of my worst fears happened one night.  It was
around x-mas and my mom's water pipes had frozen another winter and
sprung a leak so she called me and so my then boyfriend, his friend and
wife and I came to help.  All the work was outside and we stayed outside
freezing because I didn't want anyone inside.  Eventually the friend
had to use the bathroom and went inside- he never said anything to me
about it but I was hysterically mortified on the inside.    

I have gone through some tough times and have let my house slip but it
is nothing compared to my mom's.  I have a really hard time letting
anyone see my house with any type of disorder- it is like I have a
distorted view of my house like a house dysmorphia- a few times when my house
has been "messy" my friends say it isn't as bad as i make it out to be-
but inside I am in turmoil for them to be seeing it and judging me!  I
am back to being a teenager in my mom's house. I do realize that my
mom's depression made it so she couldn't deal with the house and that she
felt compelled to hold onto anything she could- I just never realized
that it was part of a bigger problem.  I have never really tied some of
my issues to this before.

I have no idea about her house now- she is remarried and lives in
another state- I sure hope that it is not escalated to the level I have seen
in these videos.  I would say she was about half of that- but I don't
know if it was me keeping it at bay....