I am at my wits end... - I'm at my wit's end. Who do I turn to? I'm so tired of leaning on my friends and my son just to get through another day of this insanity. They are sick of hearing about it, but being polite and listening anyway. I just don't want to have to burden them an

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Re: I am at my wits end... (Score: 1)
by klm on Friday, October 03, 2008 @ 03:41:10 ICT
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YOu can't give up. Fight with all you have. You are not a bad person and you are not responsible for her messy life.

Re: I am at my wits end... (Score: 1)
by HandyHelper on Monday, November 10, 2008 @ 09:32:14 ICT
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I am so sorry that you have to put up with the insanity. But, DON’T GIVE UP. Just keep moving forward. Like you, I dealt with my share of it in the past – for most of my life. Both my mother and my ex-husband are hoarders. And it has always baffled me how someone will put more importance on their things than the people in their lives. But, I’ve learned that hoarding is just a symptom of much deeper problems. It took me a long time to realize that the chaos and the emotional turmoil and battering were really nothing to do with me. I did not cause it. I did not ask for it. It was not my fault. I was just the punching bag for their inadequacies and frustrations. YOU are not the problem. You just happen to be in a position to catch all the punches your mother is throwing. And, yes, I agree that you need to get out of there and leave your mother to live her own life, however miserable it may be. Maybe someday she will wake up (that is what we all hope for our loved ones) and realize that her situation is not your fault, but her own fault, and all you did was try to help.

The problem is not you. Please know that. Your mother has a problem, perhaps more than one problem. In my mother’s case, she deals with severe depression and, though she has never been formally diagnosed, I believe she suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In my ex-husband’s case, he had Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. OCPD is different than OCD, but hoarding can be a symptom of both disorders. It sounds like your mother may have issues that need professional attention. Unfortunately, many people who need help, won’t seek it, and will often fight against it. So, until such a time that your mother gets tired of living that way, you need to maintain your sanity by concentrating on improving your own life and reaching out to others.

I know it’s hard to figure out how to move forward in a situation like yours. But, just keep searching for a way. And pray. If you haven’t already, read the Bible and pray for God’s direction. He really does help those in need. He can open doors for you in places you wouldn’t even think about. In the meantime, ask everyone you know – family, friends, acquaintances – if they know of someplace you can stay until you get back on your feet. When you do get a job, see if there are any apartment complexes in your area that offer reduced rent based on your income. If you haven’t already, call or stop by the welfare department, explain your situation and ask what programs you may qualify for and ask them for ideas. Check out their information boards. At this point, you can’t afford to be shy or embarrassed about your situation. Be honest and just keep asking questions. As a last resort, if things get completely unbearable, you might consider a homeless shelter. Not only will it give you a place to sleep, but they have programs that can help you get back on your feet. But don’t give up – keep searching and moving forward.

If you cannot find a way to move out of your mother’s house, then perhaps you can find ways to stay away as much as possible. Go to the library. Read every book and magazine there, if necessary. That will keep you busy for a while and it’ll certainly improve your mind! Libraries often have activities and classes that may be of interest, so be sure to pick up a schedule. Join a club – I don’t know what your interests are, but there are clubs you can join (gardening, quilting, etc.) to keep you busy and help you to meet new people. Check into your local schools for classes you can take. If you have a university within your range, they usually offer non-credit courses for adults, so you won’t have to enroll as a regular student. Offer your time as a volunteer somewhere. Perhaps at nursing home, hospital, church, homeless center, etc. Other things you can do: Buy a cheap loaf of bread, go to a park and feed the birds; take a walk; offer to babysit for a friend at their house; check out the local newspaper for activities in your community; go visit some friends for an hour; buy yourself a notebook and a funky pen. Then go to a little diner, buy yourself a cup of coffee and start journaling -- it's fun to look back and see what you were thinking a few years ago. Just keeping searching for ways to keep busy, and away from home, until you are able to make a change in your living situation.

And lastly, this may not to be easy to hear, but sometimes we are put in situations that we would never choose for ourselves. Perhaps God has brought you back home for a reason. There may not be anything you can do to help your mother now, but maybe your mother needs your example. Just keep doing what is right. You can also use this situation as a learning experience. Even though it is unpleasant, you can gain wisdom from it. Remember the story of Joseph in the Bible (beginning in Genesis chapter 37)? His own brothers sold him as a slave! He was taken away from his home and his family to live with strangers. Later, as an innocent man he was thrown into prison and forgotten for years! But, it was all for a reason. God was priming him for a grand purpose. But, whatever your future holds, you can know that you are learning valuable lessons from your current situation. Perhaps you will be able to use your experiences to help others.

I don’t know if this will be anything you even want to read, but I hope it helps. I do know, from firsthand experience, the frustration and helplessness that comes with living in a situation like yours. And I know how the emotional battery can take its toll. But, I can also say that if you keep taking steps forward, results will eventually follow. May God bless your efforts.

Re: I am at my wits end... (Score: 1)
by HandyHelper on Monday, November 10, 2008 @ 09:48:01 ICT
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I think maybe my comment was cut off at the end. So, I'm just adding to my last comment: Check out the local newspaper for activities in your community. Go visit some friends for an hour. Just keeping searching for ways to keep busy, and away from home, until you are able to make a change in your living situation.

And lastly, this may not to be easy to hear, but sometimes we are put in situations that we would never choose for ourselves. Perhaps God has brought you back home for a reason. There may not be anything you can do to help your mother now, but maybe your mother needs your example. Just keep doing what is right. You can also use this situation as a learning experience. Even though it is unpleasant, you can gain wisdom from it. Remember the story of Joseph in the Bible (beginning in Genesis chapter 37)? His own brothers sold him as a slave to strangers! Later, as an innocent man he was thrown into prison and forgotten for years! But, it was all for a reason. God was priming him for a grand purpose. So, whatever your future holds, you can know that you are learning valuable lessons from your current situation.

I don’t know if this will be anything you even want to read, but I hope it helps. I do know, from firsthand experience, the frustration and helplessness you may be feeling right now. And I know how the emotional battery can take its toll. But, I can also say that if you keep taking steps forward, results will eventually follow. May God bless your efforts.