How many people does your hoarder hurt?

My Mom is directly hurting 12 close relatives, childern and adults with her obsessions for stuff.

Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:46 am Post subject:

Hi Herjira33312,

I know how you feel about waiting for "the call" and knowing it will never be anything as comforting as passing away in her sleep.

I hope that you will find comfort here among people who understand everything you're saying, and even the things you haven't found words for yet.

Your question about how many people our hoarder is hurting is really hard to answer. Presently, I think she's hurting herself more than anyone else because she's aware of how limiting her life has become as a result of guarding the hoard. And in addition to hoarding are all the health issues she neglects to take care of, which goes along with the neglectful mentality of many- but not all- hoarders.

And then there are all the years of lost opportunities to make memories with family and friends. How many people has she hurt with her deceitful behaviors? How many lies? How much energy spent trying to keep all her stories straight?

Presently, the immediate family suffers from her choice of priorities. That would be six adult children. It's hard to say who "hurts" the most because some of us have had to dissassociate to survive, which comes with its own set of pain. Looking down the road towards her elderly years and beyond and knowing what is in store for her and us hurts the most for me because I've become a bit numb to the daily hurt of today.

She recently confided that several of her close friends have expressed hurt feelings because she never invites them over to visit.

But I have to stick with my first instinct. I believe she's hurting herself the most.

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2032 Location: Cabo

Lisa wrote:

But I have to stick with my first instinct. I believe she's hurting herself the most.

I agree with that Lisa (we have the same mother herjira). If I had to tell you who "hurts the most from it," I would say its you, being the very sensitive/kind person you are, who aches from the pain of others and internalizes it so as if you can carry it for them, especially for mom.

Sadly, I think added to the list needs to be 7 grandchildren and your Significant Other.

But hopefully times are changing.

Donna

Valued Member Joined: Aug 13, 2007 Posts: 5

I have not posted before but really appreciate this website. I am 43 and I am currently dealing with a hoarding mother who is attempting to keep my cousins from inheriting property that my grandmother left them. My mother already has 5 houses, 10 or 12 storage buildings, land, and enough items from Wal-mart to open her own store. I have often thought over the years, that if my mother could just keep the illness confined to her own finances or her own body, it would be easier to deal with. It is painful enough to watch as it is.
My sister and I watched my father in the last years of his life, live in a house where it was difficult to breathe. He had had several heart attacks and had congestive heart failure, which makes it difficult for the lungs to clear out fluid. My sister bought a clean air machine for the bedroom. The futility of this was not lost on us, as the room was piled to the ceiling with old papers, clothes going back to the 1970s, and the knickknacks you all are all familiar with. I realized of course that my father was an enabler, and did not ever do much about the situation, but knowing this didn't make it much easier to witness. Maybe it made it worse.
It has been very sad to watch my mother destroy her finances, destroy relationships, and live a life that is really only a half life. I have been through some very effective counseling (which I highly recommend, by the way), and have been able to detach a lot from the pain of the past. What I still have a hard time with is seeing my mother reach out to other family members to take from them now, in the present. That one still gets me. My cousins even sent my mother money a few years ago because she had convinced them that she was destitute. In a way she is destitute, but only because of the enormous credit card interest payments, the multiple mortgages, etc., all to feed the addiction. At least my sister and I were able to give my cousins a heads up on this problem when we found out about it.
I have confronted my mother over the years, but as all of you know, this only helps us, they do not change. Anyway, I think it has actually gotten easier to accept (not like, but accept) my mother's self-sabotage, but I still struggle with the illness that seems to want to hurt other people as well.
Thank you so much for the website and the stories. Who knew so many people were storing magazines in their ovens? I thought it was just my mother.

COH & Moderator Joined: Aug 01, 2006 Posts: 474

Well, that may take a minute to calculate.

There's me and my brother.
Both of our wives.
My father.
My mom's sister.
The guy who tried to clean up one summer.
Mom's friend Lori
Lori's husband and son.
That's 10.

There must be at least that many more.

I'll say 20.

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 419

Mostly me because everyone else accepted the excuses and rationalized. Financially we would have been much better off had mom been willing to divide the 7 acres and sell lots, before the city developed their no growth stance. No change for her so we inherited the whole run down property to divide except for hoarder sis who refused to sell...again. She preferred to buy us out cheap with the intention of making millions because she could afford to hang onto it.

Karma stepped in and she's been battling the city for lot splits for 13 years and counting. If she hadn't been so greedy we would have all been comfortable now, by selling that land at market value and dividing it equally. Her family could be enjoying their retirement as well instead of pouring money into Real Estate all these years.