Stories from those that have taken action

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2032 Location: Cabo

For a COH intervention -See thread :
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/forum/ftopict-361.html

Posted here with the permission of the poster at the Friends of Hoarders Board.-COH

I have been reading this site for years, and have recieved wonderful help from many of you on this site, but I feel I need to put my 2 cents in and hope it doesn't make anyone too upset.

After many many unsuccessful attempts to yell, encourage, talk, etc etc, I put my foot down about the hoard. He is my soulmate and the thought of losing him nearly killed me, but I gave an ultimatum (the stuff is going, and you can stay with us or go with it) and gave him a very long deadline (9 months). He was too overwhelmed to deal with it even though he was going to therapy (then stopped) and he wanted stay here and wanted it to be gone. He did say he was leaving for a while, which nearly killed me, but I held my ground.

Needless to say, he could barely make a dent in it. Upon meeting the first deadline, I moved it for him and cleaned some space (yes, a ridiculously large endeavor) which seemed to break the power hold it had on him to some degree. I gave him one more month to save the most important of it. He managed to get a 7'x10' (very small) storage unit the day of the deadline (after a fight about not thinking I was serious) and stored the most important stuff. Then I emptied and cleaned my house while he was out of town the next few days. VERY satisfying, and the house looked BEAUTIFUL, but I was very afraid of his reaction when he got home. Would he freak out? Would he leave? Would he go crazy?
He was VERY uncomfortable when he got home. He went straight to bed and slept for a very long time. He managed to get through the next couple of days in a fog, maybe a little sad and confused and I don't know what else, but then the positive energy that had hit me when the house was empty seemed to hit him. He will not talk about it (he barely talks about any of this) but he took on new activities and hobbies, he was available and fun for the kids, became helpful with the dishes (!) and other household tasks normally reserved for me, and is generally happier and more social (Especially since we don't hesitate to invite people over now!). A HUGE, OVERWHELMING item on his list of things to do was gone. He had a freedom he hadn't felt in years.

It has been 5 months since I cleaned out the house. I don't know if he has been back to the storage unit, but he hasn't mentioned it. He starts to get into the hoarding mentality periodically, and I worry and then it comes out and I tell him I need him to come out of "his world" and back into mine. It seems to be working. I also do not hesitate to throw out the junk mail (even addressed to him). I think if I continue acting NORMALLY about junk mail and newspapers and grocery sacks it will help him know more about what is normal. If my husband were not a hoarder, I would not ask him if I could recycle an old newspaper, I would not ask him about throwing out his junk mail. Who asks someone else if they think they might want this grocery sack later? I am just acting as if I do not live with a hoarder, and that gives my husband cues about what is normal.

All this background to get to my very important point:
He couldn't do it when it was so overwhelming. He needed to work on dealing with his hoarding starting from scratch. When people say "don't throw anything out for them, they need to do it themselves" I think they are doing the hoarder a disservice. The days I cleaned this house out, I was completely overwhelmed. I didn't know where to start. I consider organization and cleaning one of my best skills and I found it to be the most difficult task I have ever encountered. I completely disagree that the hoarder should have this huge project be their first attempt at stopping the behavior. I see my husband now making small decisions about what to keep and what to toss (the junk mail on any given day) and with as much of a challenge THAT is, I can't imagine him being able to deal with the mess he had already created. I truly think I gave him a "do-over" by getting rid of it for him, and I have seen what a wonderful gift it was for him. He still struggles with it and always will, but I can help him, because I love him. If he were struggling with alcoholism, I would help him get all the bottles out of our house and avoid being around it if it was a struggle for him. If he were struggling with cancer, I would help him with what ever he needed to do that was an overwhelming struggle. This shouldn't be any different.

I could not stand by and watch him take on that giant pile alone. He said he wouldn't get better if he didn't do it himself, but I think he realizes now he was wrong. I feel confident that I helped him get on his feet so he can deal with his hoarding in managable bits and pieces every day. So far so good, anyway. And about a month into the non-hoard household, my daughter said to me before going to sleep: "Daddy's not angry like he was before". She could tell how much he changed. Without the constant reminder of his "failures", he could start from scratch with a new understanding of what he's dealing with. He didn't know anything about hoarding until he was already buried. Now he can have a do-over with a better understanding.

In a few more months (after the holidays, certainly) I will talk to him about losing the storage unit. He knows the pitfalls hoarders have of keeping storage places all over town. We'll see when he'll be ready. I think the confidence of living without accumulating is very empowering for him. It is boosting him up instead of constantly knocking him down like the hoard did.

I vote for helping them get rid of it. Even if they resist it. I have gotten rid of a hoard. I am a minimalist and was very motivated, but it was SO overwhelming. If it is overwhelming and exhausting even for the most non-hoarding, uber-motivated person, I can't imagine the burden and battle for a hoarder. Let them start from scratch and make daily decisions one at a time.

additional info

I just wanted to add it wasn't easy to give my husband the ultimatum.

There was fighting, there was crying until I thought I would become a mere shell of a human. He was furious, I was heartbroken. I would sob and sob, saying I couldn't believe he would choose trash over me and the kids. Over and over I said that. He was able to finally say that it is not a choice. I countered that it is, that he had to choose to fight the hoarding in order to have us, because he couldn't have both.

It was making me (and to some degree the kids) mentally ill and I was fighting for my own self, and needed him to get on my side of the fight. For years, I was fighting the hoard, and he was on the hoard side, and consequently I was fighting him. (I fight hard and with lots of screaming, so you can imagine what that does to a marriage). I told him to come to my side and fight WITH me, because all the fighting I was doing was to get him BACK, he just couldn't see it because he was so attached to the hoard I was fighting.

In this process it was a constant struggle to say I was fighting the hoard to get him back, and why on earth would I fight this horrible mess if he wasn't so so so very important to me. I had to convince him that the only reason I bothered to live with and fight the hoard is because I can't live without him. I had to convince him that he needed to come to my side of the hoard (literally, as we had so many conversations and fights with it literally piled between us, as he was always buried in the pile doing something!) I literally told him, I can't reach you, and can't get to you, and all I have ever wanted is to be with you.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and at points I didn't think I would live through it. But it was so worth it. So very worth it. He and I have an even deeper bond because we know how hard we fought to keep eachother. Our relationship is that important to both of us.

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2032 Location: Cabo

Posted here with the permission of the poster at Friends & Family of Hoarders-Clutterers-COH.

Hello-
This will be a long one. I hope you do read it though, it is how I
found hope! I was in this group quite a while ago. I have rejoined
now to let you know about my recent experience. I always thought
that if I bothered my husband's hoard (he collects everything but it
includes expensive antiques)that I would emotionally cripple
him.....I had heard of how this can backfire badly n people and in
the past if I even touched most of his things or moved them around he
went off the deep end.

Well, maybe he is more ready now. I know I am. I can't live
surrounded by boxes and piles and bags anymore. This fall, before I
left town to visit my daughter in Vegas I spent a week emptying out
the basement. A good friend came and helped. I filled up one of the
largest dumpsters I could rent to the very top. Nothing of any size
went in there before it was smashed with a sledgehammer. I then
added a liberal dose of broken booze bottles to the top of everything
(we had several old crates of liquor that were at least 20 years old
from back when we still entertained).

I think it helped that him somewhat I did not just throw things away
willy nilly. I did rebox some things that I felt he would want to
keep. And I occasionally called him to ask if it was okay to get rid
of this or donate that. AND since he was at work when this was
happening he didn't see much of what was happening- I think that
helped too. He even allowed me to get rid of boxes full of papers
that had been exposed to a flood many years ago, asking me to just
sort through for a few particular items. Anyway, we filled the
dumpster and moved on to filling bags and cans. This was more
problematic as I found items he had removed from the trash several
times (and they went right back out on garbage day when he wasn't
home). Wow, we could actuially get into the basement!

I think he actually appreciated my efforts. He had our washing
machine repaired while I was gone visitng my daughter.

Then, about 4 weeks before Christmas I told him I could not live with
the house the way it was anymore. I spent a few days boxing up his
treasures, throwing away trash and relegating the boxes in t the
basement I had just cleaned out. I knew I cleaned it out for a
reason! LOL! Every box has an inventory of what is inside taped to
its lid, so he knows if he really wants to access something he can
find it. He could never have done that when everything was in piles,
etc.

The first day I worked, I cleaned off a small table that I could not
have possibly put anything else on. It has a mirrored top, which I
cleaned well, and I placed a small Christmas tree on it and decorated
it. I was SO happy and so proud. When DH came home that night, with
tears in my eyes I showed him my big accomplishment. He grabbed his
head and doubled over crying, "My stuff! Where is all my stuff?" I
gently reminded him that things had been boxed up and were safely in
the basement. He hasn't complained since. He actually ferried a
bunch of the boxes to the basment himself!!!!! He has asked where
certain items are very anxiously, and I have reassured him that
nothing was thrown away except for garbage and junk mail, that he
could go and look through the box lists and see his item is
there....and that there simply wasn't room for it all. Since then he
has told me how nice it is that the dog has space to play, that it is
nice to have the house so clean, that I have done a beautiful job of
cleaning up the home and decorating it for Christmas...........and I
have never stopped telling him that I love him, that he made me so
happy by letting me pack that stuff away and that he is really doing
well.

I don't know how long this will last, I plan on trying to make it
last the rest of our lives. I am soooo happy and I thought you might
like to know that good things can happen!

Now I am decluttering the kitchen, tossing out implements I haven't
used in years and emptying cabinets that were filled witrh junk. I
have started on our bedroom which is deplorable and disgusting, but
is the last place I really have to work on. I clutter as well, he is
not the only one who adds to this mess. And now I am cleaning up
both our acts :)

blessings-

Additional info. when giving COH permission to post this:
Sure that would be fine!

Perhaps this has worked this time because I did it with love, humor and support (not anger and blame or tears of frustration) and kept him apprised of what was happening. I don't know for sure why it has backfired on me in the past, or, unfortunately on others that have tried similar things. I can only say that there IS hope, don't give up!

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2032 Location: Cabo

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=586725&page=2

Valued Member Joined: May 22, 2007 Posts: 2

Thanks for posting!! I love you guys so much right now. I feel like shit. I am 19 and just got off from college and can't just clean my house without them and can't move out, I'm poor as dirt. I told them we are cleaning the house this summer. One room at a time one hour at least every day. Today was the first day it was semi-painful for me but they both feel optimistic. They know that they have problems and they can admit that they hate living there. They can throw out obvious trash, usually. However, this sucks for my vacation. Hopefully, they will get better. I am not just throwing stuff away, we all go through it and figure it out. My only problem is them wanting to keep stuff and I almost want to too! I have a problem hoarding that I have worked with so it's hard to realize what is normal.