I cleaned out Mom's house and now she is having a MELTDOWN!

New Member Joined: Apr 29, 2007 Posts: 1

Please help me!
I noticed my mom's hoarding about 8 years ago. Looking back, I can see how it has been going on for a very long time, but 4 years ago she seperated from my dad and moved into a smaller home. She has been depressed most of her adult life (taking zoloft), but recently lost weight, found a boyfriend and seemed much happier. She got all excited about making changes in her life and wanted to get her home in order (been saying that for a long time). So.... when she left for a trip to meet her boyfriend, I decided to help her out. I spent over 100 hours in 8 days and had a friend of the family also help. We filled up a 25 foot trailer three times with all this stuff. I organized everything and cleaned the house top to bottom. I really thought I was doing something good for her and that she was just too overwhelmed to do it herself and would be grateful that I would do that for her.
She basically got dumped by the boyfriend on the trip and then came home to find out I had "stolen all her treasures!" It has been a month now, and she is starting to go completely nuts! She has been out at the dump site (burn pit at brother's house) digging it all out. She said she felt as if "she'd been raped" and "why would my daughter do such a horrible thing!" My poor brother has had to deal with her meltdown and isn't happy about it!
I feel aweful that she is so upset, but I am even more concerned because I don't know how to help her. I threw out some drawings and books that were eaten up by roaches from sitting in her garage, but left 5 times as many drawings and books that were in decent shape. I also threw out items that she believes someone might one day use. She found a few items that my great-grandmother knitted in the trash, but they are stained or ripped. She has tons of other items that were knitted and are in good shape. I feel like I FOUND TONS of great things for her but she is CONSUMED by what might be missing.
She has other issues as well. I don't know if it is all related or not. She suffers from depression, co-dependent behaviors (had an alcohlic father), BIG control issues, very pessimistic, very obsessive, thinks she has to figure out eveyone else's problems and fix them, has never worked (other than the huge job of raising 4 children), has never completed anything (starts projects or buys books to start projects but doesn't complete), believes marrying my dad "ruined her life", thinks she would be so much happier if her family had remained living in New York rather than move to Florida when she was 13. (Could only bring 1 toy with her!), has a temper like you can't believe, and spends (WASTES) money like a millionare! (which she is NOT) She has all the materials needed for about 10 different hobbies, but doesn't do any of it! She says she hasn't had time! She hasn't ever worked, no children at home in 10 years, doesn't volunteer, doesn't see friends.... I can't think of anything other spending time with grandchildren that she does! In so many ways I think she is emotionally still 13.
She has said repeatedly how she wanted to clean everything out but felt overwhelmed and that she "was a dummy for throwing something away what she might someday need" She has bookshelves lining almost every room in the house. All are filled with books and she continues to get more!
I know I have been very negative about my mom, but I do love her very much! I wouldn't have hired a babysitter and spent 12-15 hours a day hauling all that stuff around if I didn't. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't have touched it. I realize that it wasn't up to me to decide what got thrown out. This is her problem and I should have let her deal with it. I honestly thought I was doing something wonderful for her that no one else was able to do. I was concerned about her mobilty in the house (has fallen off ladders trying to get at things, bought a new car and couldn't put in garage, was embarressed to let anyone (including family) in the house,.... and the list goes on.
Did I make a big mistake? Will she recover from this? How do I help her now? Are all those traits related to the hoarding?
I have been avoiding her because I don't want to agrivate the situation but I know sometime soon she will be beating on my door yelling and screaming! How do I handle this?

COH & Moderator Joined: Aug 01, 2006 Posts: 474

ajvenz wrote:

<snip>
Please help me!
</snip>

I'll sure give it a shot.

ajvenz wrote:

<snip>
So.... when she left for a trip to meet her boyfriend, I decided to help her out. I spent over 100 hours in 8 days and had a friend of the family also help. We filled up a 25 foot trailer three times with all this stuff. I organized everything and cleaned the house top to bottom. I really thought I was doing something good for her and that she was just too overwhelmed to do it herself and would be grateful that I would do that for her.
</snip>

What a wonderful gift to give her. That's an amazing sacrifice.

ajvenz wrote:

<snip>
She basically got dumped by the boyfriend on the trip and then came home to find out I had "stolen all her treasures!" It has been a month now, and she is starting to go completely nuts! She has been out at the dump site (burn pit at brother's house) digging it all out. She said she felt as if "she'd been raped" and "why would my daughter do such a horrible thing!"
</snip>

Unfortunately, this is pretty typical of a hoarder. You are not alone. Hoarders are almost never grateful for the work that there families do to get rid of the hoard. It makes it really tough on us to be faced with the fact that their stuff is so much more important to them than we are.

ajvenz wrote:

<snip>
I feel aweful that she is so upset, but I am even more concerned because I don't know how to help her. I threw out some drawings and books that were eaten up by roaches from sitting in her garage, but left 5 times as many drawings and books that were in decent shape. I also threw out items that she believes someone might one day use. She found a few items that my great-grandmother knitted in the trash, but they are stained or ripped. She has tons of other items that were knitted and are in good shape. I feel like I FOUND TONS of great things for her but she is CONSUMED by what might be missing.
</snip>

First off.... You threw out garbage, crap, junk, ca-ca. Nothing in a hoard is anything a sane person would want to keep. You saved what you could and removed the waste. Don't ever let her convince you of anything else.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!

Now read that again a few times, slowly.

Mom isn't dealing with reality.

ajvenz wrote:

<snip>
I know I have been very negative about my mom, but I do love her very much! I wouldn't have hired a babysitter and spent 12-15 hours a day hauling all that stuff around if I didn't. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't have touched it. I realize that it wasn't up to me to decide what got thrown out. This is her problem and I should have let her deal with it. I honestly thought I was doing something wonderful for her that no one else was able to do. I was concerned about her mobilty in the house (has fallen off ladders trying to get at things, bought a new car and couldn't put in garage, was embarressed to let anyone (including family) in the house,.... and the list goes on.
Did I make a big mistake? Will she recover from this? How do I help her now? Are all those traits related to the hoarding?
I have been avoiding her because I don't want to agrivate the situation but I know sometime soon she will be beating on my door yelling and screaming! How do I handle this?
</snip>

Okay, line by line here.

You haven't been negative about your mom. You have told the truth, and of course you love your mom. This whole event was about your loving her enough to sacrifice deeply for her.

Whether or not you would do it all over again is not really the issue here. You did a wonderful thing and you need not have any regrets.

Leaving her to deal with it is the same thing as not dealing with it. She will never deal with it. She can't. She doesn't have the strength to admit to herself that something of 'hers' could possibly not have any value. One way or another you will most likely be the one that would have had to clean it up anyway.

You were doing something wonderful for her that no else could or would do. You are right. She is wrong. No regrets.

If you hadn't done this clean out and she had slipped and fallen when the mountain of crap shifted, you would be tearing yourself apart because you hadn't intervened. No regrets.

Did you make a big mistake? NO!!!!!

Will she recover from this? I wouldn't worry about it. She will probably re-hoard the house within a couple of months.

How do you help her now? It depends on what you mean by help. Do not help her retreive anything that you burned. It's too bad that you weren't able to torch it beyond her recognition. I would have recommended that you not tell her where the junk was thrown away. But the past is the past.

Yeah, all those traits are related to hoarding. Especially the "I'm all that matters and my stuff is more valuable to me than any human being."

How do you handle this when she comes beating down your door? Well, here's my suggestion. You were probably pretty right on about her emotional age. Although 13 is probably about 8-10 years too high. She sounds emotionally like she is 4 or 5. It's time for you to be the parent. How does a parent handle a crying, whiny brat? You don't need to get into a shouting match with her. You be the adult in the situation. Her rantings are that of an irrational child.

"Mother, I am sorry you don't appreciate the results of what I did. I did not realize that you enjoyed living in the piles of garbage, so I did the most caring thing I could think of. Most parents would be very grateful.

I understand that you are unhappy, but there isn't anything I can or will do to try to "undo" what was done. There is no benefit to discussing this further, so unless there is something else you'd like to talk about, we don't have much to say to each other right now."

I hope this helps. Everything you have gone through is absolutely normal for a COH who tries to help a parent. It's really hard to watch our parents behave in such a self destructive way. Hoarding and alcoholism have a whole lot in common. If you can think of it in those terms (addict, co-dependency, enabling activity, etc...) it helps to understand the hoarder.

Blessings!
norse

Valued Member Joined: Feb 28, 2007 Posts: 5

I whole heartedly agree with the previous post/reply. I did the same thing one time for my mom and she called me many times a day for months screaming about things (rotten moldy food and clothing) I had thrown out. Caller I.D. helps ! Eventually she stopped or maybe I just didn't hear her anymore. Never the less, she had the house even more loaded by the time two years were up. She to, doesn't have a lot of money so she relies on garbage picking (neighbors trash) and even stealing donated items left outside salvation army bins, although I don't doubt that she has actually crawled into one at some point. These problems we children of hoarders have left over from our pathetic childhoods and dirty homes are not our fault but I feel we are in control of what happens now that we know better and I say too bad for your mom. You did the right thing with the best intentions and God Bless You for doing it!

Valued Member Joined: Aug 01, 2007 Posts: 3

We did the same thing, but with our mom present. My sibs and I finally did an "intervention" of sorts, and although she initially said she wanted help cleaning up, in reality she didn't mean that at all. The hardest thing of all was to be bullied by her after we had thrown out true trash and kept everything in even marginal condition. She yelled and screamed at us, told us we were horrible children, throwing out all her "good stuff". She also went dumpster diving to retrieve some of her "treasures". I wish we could've driven the stuff somewhere but there was too much and we all live far far away.

I try to think of it as tough love. If my child was doing wrong, I would not give in because they were my child, I would challenge them even though they would be mad at me. It's the same with mom. If she hates me, I can try to live with that, but at least I know she's safer in her environment.

Unfortunately our clean up lasted about 3 months. She refilled her house and now we have all given up on ever cleaning it out while she's still alive.

I don't know what is the right thing to do. For now, we seem to all be living in a state of avoidance. We don't go there, talk about it, or think about it (if we can help it..) It's impossible to help someone who does not want help.

norse701 wrote:

"Mother, I am sorry you don't appreciate the results of what I did. I did not realize that you enjoyed living in the piles of garbage, so I did the most caring thing I could think of. Most parents would be very grateful.

I understand that you are unhappy, but there isn't anything I can or will do to try to "undo" what was done. There is no benefit to discussing this further, so unless there is something else you'd like to talk about, we don't have much to say to each other right now."

Nicely said!

The only other thing I could suggest is to write her a letter telling her just how much you love her and care for her and want to best for her and are willing to help in any "productive" way possible... do not apologize! And then, leave at that, don't keep re-visiting that horrific day (for her)... let it go.

...and you should be proud of yourself

Your mom is not like "most parents" -- she has limited insight into the troublesome nature of her behavior. She probably has an anxiety disorder. The recommended approach is a non-confrontational attitude in which you try to step into her shoes and see it from her point of view. Ask questions and make comments that are genuine, not sarcastic or put downs or "I am taking control" threats. For example if Mom denies there is a problem you calmly say "So, you don't really feel there is any problem. You are quite happy with the way the place looks." The point is to make the person feel heard and avoid her resistance. She will probably respond by backing off a little---"well, I'm not completely happy with how the place looks but I will get around to straightening up." She just moved a little bit closer to actually doing something about it. That little move is a big success--but not if you expect Mom to turn 180 degrees by next week.
The above is a paraphrase of page 76 in the book " Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving and Hoarding " available on Amazon.

Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:15 pm Post subject: follow up on this

I am curious as to the outcome , did things get better or did she go back to her old ways, anyone have contact with this memeber?

Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject:

I'm curious too. I don't know how I missed this thread before. Ajvens' story sounds so (too) familiar.

Does it blow anyone else's mind how earily similar our hoarders are? Seems like we should be able to find a success story out there and then follow the same steps to make our own come true.

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 422

I think it gives credence to a disease/genetic defect that attacks the brain the same way. The symptomatic behaviors are just too identical. I love this post because the lady did the clean out with the very best intentions, having heard her mom say she needed help. Now, if we could get them on tape or witnessed asking for help at least that would mitigate any lawsuits down the road. Even if you did it on purpose it wouldn't hurt to plead innocence and act really sorry you misunderstood sad

Still, it's a temporary fix at best, and the removed items better be removed far, far away.