Were you scared you would be taken away?

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2044 Location: Cabo

Were you scared you would be * taken away * if anyone (i.e. teachers, school nurse) knew about the condition of the house?
Or, did this never cross your mind at all?

Valued Member Joined: Mar 17, 2008 Posts: 4 Location: CA

It never occurred to me to be scared of this, until my mom read a story in the newspaper about a woman whose children were taken away by social workers due to a messy house. Then of course she came at me with, "You can't tell anyone or show anyone!! They will call the authorities and the social workers will take you away! You will be put in foster homes who will use and abuse you! At least I love you!!"

After a few years, I started to secretly want this to happen, but it never did. :P

Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject:

There was a time I was afraid. I'm 21 at the moment and my siblings and I are still dealing with our parents' hoarding. I worry about my 12 year old sister that she'll be taken away. I would like to move out of the house but I can't. It is very sad to see that our parents don't cancel each other out with hoarding...both of them are hoarders. I feel like my childhood was taken away from me. It's so complicated.

I am glad I found this forum. At least I know I'm not alone.

COH Under 18 yrs. Joined: Feb 15, 2008 Posts: 98

I've been saving money since eight and basically plotting my own emancipation since 9. I knew I could get taken away and I would say stuff like that kind of as an ultimatum. I think they cared but pretended not to. I looked up exactly what would happen if I called the police and told my dad once. He said he wouldn't "secure a safe living environment" immediatly or ever if I did. Ass. sorry probably shouldn't say that; everyone else hasn't been dirty wording. I kind of gave up/decided to try and help when I got olderish. The non-emergenxcy police number is still a contact on my phone that I ogt when I was twelve. (yay! that meant I could leave the house for 30 minutes at a time an dthen come home and be asked what I was doing at the park which isn't even a 15 minute walk away)

Valued Member Joined: Apr 23, 2008 Posts: 5

i was never scarred until my mother told us we weren't helping enough and we (my sister and i) were making it worse. everytime we knew someone was comeing over we would scramble to clean the best we could or "cover clean"

Valued Member Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Posts: 13

tigerhearted wrote:

It never occurred to me to be scared of this, until my mom read a story in the newspaper about a woman whose children were taken away by social workers due to a messy house. Then of course she came at me with, "You can't tell anyone or show anyone!! They will call the authorities and the social workers will take you away! You will be put in foster homes who will use and abuse you! At least I love you!!"

After a few years, I started to secretly want this to happen, but it never did. :P

This is exactly what I went through and felt!

Valued Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 2

As a young kid I was always worried about this. My dad is a teacher and would be home during the summers with us. There were several times in my childhood when me or my sister were sent to the door when city officials came, while my dad hid in the back yard. With the extent of hoarding that went on in that house (as well as all the issues that went a long with it) I am surprised now as an adult that we weren't put in foster care.

New Member Joined: Jul 09, 2008 Posts: 1

Yes, I was very afraid to be taken away. I always wondered if my friends knew I had never seen my mom's living room floor or mine for that matter...

Active Member Joined: Jul 16, 2007 Posts: 63

I wished I were taken away. I've heard all the horror stories about foster care etc. but even that would have been better! Ugh, whenever I post here I feel like I'm on the pity pot - I don't like it.

Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:01 pm Post subject:

Lazarus wrote:

Ugh, whenever I post here I feel like I'm on the pity pot - I don't like it.

I know what you mean. I feel that way too a lot of the time. But I went to a psychiatrist for three years and I felt that way there too- to the extent that I stopped talking about the lingering things that bothered me. I pretended I felt more put together than I really did.

I think it was detrimental to the healing process. Here, we can vent and feel reasonably sure that most people know what we're talking about and aren't judging us for "hanging on" to it. In fact, I think that acknowledging these festering thoughts is the first step to actually being about to let them go.

I'm sure there are people who, regardless of how they feel, will not vent as some of us do, and there may be some who can't get past feeling that we are whining or having a pity party, but those opinions are not as important as knowing that we may be moving forward with our healing and understanding with each vent we allow ourselves. So many of us were convinced that we were the reason for the chaos in our childhoods and we were trained to keep silent about it. If you have the strength, desire and will to speak up for yourself now then you just do it and don't worry about it.

Another thought from a personal perspective... when I feel I'm having a pity party, I think it's my way of recognizing that I'm hanging on to something that I don't need any longer. Think about it- when you first started talking about this stuff, did it feel like a pity party then? In my case it didn't. It felt like I finally had a safe place to let out some painful feelings. Once I vent certain feelings over and over again, I get to the point where I bore even myself. That's the point when I say I can let that particular thought go as one of my daily self-flogging tools!

Anyway, I just don't want you to feel bad about venting. None of us likes to bring up negative things, but if it's in your reality and you're doing it to eventually try to move past it, why torture yourself with feeling bad about it- it's a good thing. Hang in there!

Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:16 pm Post subject:

Well said Lisa, thanks.

I'm there right now, too, like Lazarus. The thing is for me I don't know what will work to move forward anymore and I'm just exhausted... and taking time from even myself for a while! Thumb's up!

Lazarus, I totally agree with Lisa... let it out and keep letting it out until your tired of letting it out... don't worry about anyone else.

Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject:

Hey OAI,

Good to see you popping in. Exhausted huh? Yeah, it happens. Once you get your stregth back, it might be time to step outside that comfort zone and start pushing back a little, like we've gently suggested from time to time.

I know I know, easy to say when I'm not the one in the line of fire, but I'll tell you what- I'm losing patience with compassion. It's hard to remind myself this is a disease of compulsion and anxiety when I see how streesed it makes everyone for apparent good reason.

This should be in another thread, but I just have to VENT this right now. We all know how hard Donna works to understand hoarding and do her part correctly to help our mom make progress.

She's been home for two weeks now working like a dog every time it's allowed, and doing it with a smile and kudos and not one single negative word EVER. I don't know how she does it- especially considering how she used to be with regards to all this. Well...

To add insult to injury, our mother had to leae the house Sunday morning and woke Donna up to make her go with her. Otherwise she was going to lock her out of the house. Although, if there had been a lock on the bedroom door, she would have locked Donna inside- all because she doesn't trust her not to go through her stuff and throw stuff out!!!!

She doesn't realize that Donna is her BIGGEST support at this point. She understands how devistating it would be to break our mother's trust and she would NEVER do it! I on the other hand WOULD throw things out behind her back and yet I get more access to the house than Donna does. I feel bad for Donna and frankly wish she would stop trying so hard and just put this incredible energy she has into her OWN life where it will do some good. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR pulling my hair out

Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject:

Look at the typos... meant to say for NO apparent good reason. Hope it was obvious! Don't type well when I'm worked up!

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 493

Lisa wrote:

I know I know, easy to say when I'm not the one in the line of fire, but I'll tell you what- I'm losing patience with compassion. It's hard to remind myself this is a disease of compulsion and anxiety when I see how stressed it makes everyone for apparent good reason.

>

I know exactly what you mean. Since when does one person have the power to make so many people miserable? Better everyone else feel better and one person be miserable, except no one wants to upset mom! Even compromising by living with some of the clutter is not good enough for a hoarder, although that would be reasonable. It's all their way! We did sweeps because we knew my Mom would cool off eventually and she didn't like upsetting my Dad. That was reclaiming space when the 6 of us lived there though, so the dynamics were different.

You and Donna are quite amazing in the strength you've shown sticking with it!

Active Member Joined: Jul 16, 2007 Posts: 63

Thank you, Lisa - just what I needed to hear :) I've only really started to deal with this stuff since coming to this website so I guess I'm just getting started. Dealing with the ongoing dysfunction certainly can be exhausting! I reached the point a couple of weeks ago that I've decided to take a break - to push back as you say. So I'm stepping back from talking to and dealing with my family so I can have at least *some* peace of mind :)

Valued Member Joined: Oct 12, 2008 Posts: 4

After my father died, the oldest sibling tried to take the three of us still living at home. I don't know if she went beyond the family in her pursuit because my family doesn't like to talk about things. If you don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist, right? Still not sure if I wish it would have happened.

Posted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:05 am Post subject: Threats

Hi there,

After I finally went to live with my mother at the age of 13, she would threaten to call the Social Workers and make them take me away. That made me feel so afraid. I had been in & out of Foster Homes all my life and didn't want to go back into that system.

It still makes me feel sick to my stomach, thinking of the cruelty of her words! I lived in terror AND in squalor, but that seemed a better choice than living with strangers who were paid to keep you.

Sigh! It's a wonder that I am as "normal" as I am!
Sally-Sue

Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 8:47 am Post subject: .

Quote:

Anyway, I just don't want you to feel bad about venting. None of us likes to bring up negative things, but if it's in your reality and you're doing it to eventually try to move past it, why torture yourself with feeling bad about it- it's a good thing. Hang in there!

Hi there Lisa,

This CoH site is a wonderful & safe place for people to vent. And, as you said, people here understand . Venting is a healthy thing, as long as we move on & thru the issue. I think it's when people get "stuck" in the pity-party mode that it's not helpful.

For myself, this is the only place that I express my frustration, hurt anger... No one, other than a CoH could understand.... I don't see it as playing the victim, I see it as a way of looking at feelings & tyring to come to grips with them.

Anyway, I hope that everyone feels that they can vent, and that we will understand.

Sally-Sue

Active Member Joined: Feb 28, 2008 Posts: 126

Hey Sally-Sue! I am sorry your mom put you through that kind of verbal abuse. I think we can all sigh with you on being amazed that we all turned out well after it all. How did it end up with you being put in the foster care, was it related to the hoard? I think I posted a long time ago about how we always wished we would be taken away, but even when the school nurses did report us mom talked her way out of it, waving our reportcards in the social workers faces about how could we possibly be abused and get these good grades. As an adult I am glad we did not end up in the foster care system. I know there is a lot of good in it, but it leaves a large chance for abuse in other areas.

You are very strong, and I hope you succeed in putting together that program you mentioned. Someone really needs to get the ball rolling on this. There are so many of us out there who are afraid to come out and seek help.
Good luck!