Non-Hoarding Parent

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2044 Location: Cabo

Non-Hoarding Parent:
What was their reaction to the state of the house?
What are your thoughts about your non-hoarding parent and the way they handled the hoarding? Experiences/Thoughts/Feelings

What things could they have done, in your opinion, that would have helped?

Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject:

My dad was the non-hoarder. I don't think he was a positive influence. Yelled a lot. Had this way of looking at you that made you feel like a huge disappointment. Told us we'd probably walk right by a pile of sh*t if it was in the middle of the floor.

Yeah, probably would have- probably did. Didn't have a sense of consciouness about the house chores being a family responsibility. Got used to not seeing the state of the house. How is a kid supposed to know what's okay to see, and take care of, and what has been unspokenly agreed upon to ignore?

In my opinion, I think he could have tried harder to show compassion to my mother- for anything- and it might have trickled down into her caring more about how she took care of things.

Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 3:43 pm Post subject:

Boy, Lisa,

I can picture that vividly. I sure hope I will never be like that with my son and wife. Oh no no no

I'm sorry you guys had to live with the guilt of delivering results with no training or permission, it's not a fair expectation/blame to put on any child.

It's great you now recognize this, but terrible for the lost, good childhood memories, it's just sad.... but look on the positive side, it was part of what made you who you are today, undersatanding, tolerant, compassionate. Thumb's up!

Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:46 am Post subject:

OnanIsland wrote:

I sure hope I will never be like that with my son and wife. Oh no no no

OAI, Your awareness that it could happen almosts ensures that it will not! applause!

It's easy to see how the non hoarding spouse could get exasperated, depressed, bitter, mean-spirited etc. etc.

I said that I think my dad could have tried harder, but then I thought about it further and we all know that hoarding is just one manifestation of an altered mentality (for lack of a better description) and it may be that in the beginning he did try to be a real partner with her. Her need to protect her lifestyle, and maybe her lack of self- understanding about it, may have caused her to say what she knew he wanted to hear, and try to maintain her lifestyle in "secret." And, his choice of tactic worked. She kept it down to a dull roar until he passed away.

We see how resistent people who hoard are to change. He may have done the best he could, but personally, I think succumbing to angry intimidation and bitterness was the "easy way out", but I'd have to had walked a mile or two in his shoes to know that for sure.

But the little kid in me asks, "why weren't we worth the effort to try to solve the family problem in a loving and cohesive way?"

But you're right, look at who I am today. What?.............Hmmm?.... Oh, okay!............. Sorry, gotta go- The voices inside my head tell me it's time to get back to work...

Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 7:52 am Post subject:

Unfortunately both of my parents are hoarders, so even when one- usually mum- had moments of wanting to *do something about the state of the place* they had the other's resistance to work against.