Relationship With Parent

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2032 Location: Cabo

Relationship With Parent:
What was your relationship like with your hoarding parent? Was it loving and nurturing/you consider it normal/neglectful/usually close/wonderful/painful? What was the level of affection you received? i.e.-did you hug and exchange endearments/other. Thoughts/Feelings

Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 2:13 pm Post subject:

Not much affection in my childhood. Certainly don't remember hugs and kisses or I love you's. Do remember feeling anxious and nervous. Lot of headaches. Lot of disappointment expressed my way. Lot of "what a shame" was said in response to things I said or did.

Even as I got older and pride was expressed for some things I accomplished, the "what a shame I couldn't do more...." seemed to either always follow or be implied.

Of course, you get to a point where nothing may be said or implied at all but you still feel it because you're so conditioned to it.

Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 7:59 am Post subject:

Actually, contrary to what seems to be the case with most children of hoarders, my/our relationship with our parents was/is very good. We are close and loving- especially my mum... dad finds it a bit harder to express feelings- and we never felt that the hoard had priority, or that we weren't the most important things in our parents lives.

My mum doesn't blame or react badly at attempts to help. She doesn't panic that we might get rid of *precious things*, she seems to trust us to do the best for her. My dad does comment a bit that he probably won't be able to find anything, but doesn't really get ultra worried or bothered about it. I don't think they have as much attachment to their hoard as some hoarders seem to. They aren't the kind that keep absolute garbage- although my mum keeps useful empty jars and containers and stuff she could *use for craft*. But they have too much *useful stuff* that could be reused, repaired, given to someone etc... you know the kind of thing.

So... the parental/children relationship is actually good and hasn't seem to be immensely badly affected, as far as I can judge it anyway. I certainly don't feel any animosity towards them or think badly of them as people/parents because of the hoard, or for my childhood... despite the fact that it did cause us some difficulties in the outside community, but not really in a family sense.

COH Under 18 yrs. Joined: Feb 15, 2008 Posts: 95

Mine is/was kind of freaky. One minute they're over doing it (out of guilt and possibly to induce guilt and it has been crippling before in that I wouldn't know how to do simple household tasks because I wasn't allowed to, fixed that and am fixing that) The next dad's yelling obscenities, mom's yelling back, someone's crying, my sister or I weren't doing well enough at something or our high scholastic achievement wasn't us it was them (bull@#$%, proved her wrong the minute she told me.) I know and have known that they'r ebothe scared and angry and sad too but am and have been pretty angered by my level of maturity compared to theirs. All right behind a facade. And I hated that "child called it." He always made my problems seem inferior, despite the fact that I barely knew of him as a little kid.

Valued Member Joined: Apr 06, 2008 Posts: 3

I resent her for making my life harder than it had to be.
The filth, the not being able to cook, so I was raised on Fast food, etc.
Now that she is ill and I care for her, it is hard on meâ€¦.cook for someone that would not cook for meâ€¦.in her filthy and cluttered kitchen.
Itâ€™s been hardâ€¦.tragic.
sad

Valued Member Joined: Mar 20, 2008 Posts: 27

I was to disappear into the background. I was to be perfect. I was to never have needs. I was to pretend everything was just fine. I was taught to be quiet. I was taught to be good - essentially to disappear into the woodwork. I was also taught to fetch beer and treats and deliver them to the living room sofa for his convenience. Sick!

New Member Joined: Apr 14, 2008 Posts: 1

I thought we were close growing up. I've realized recently it was essentially a severely codependent relationship. My dad, although present, was distant and dismissive until we needed discipline. They had me young and I was fun for them for a little while, but I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and then as a teenager, I was expected to be an adult. I took care of things...the house, my siblings...and now, as an adult, after leaving the state and marrying and moving back and having a child of my own, I am living back in my hometown and my mother's mental illness has become apparent and overwhelming to all of us. She refuses to get help until she begins to threaten suicide and then wants us to take her to a hospital. We've been 3 times and every time she manages to pull it together enough for a medical professional to send us home with a "plan" for treatment. She always decides once we're home that the "plan" is no good and she doesn't care enough to want to do anything.

My dad battles ruemetoid arthritus and is bewildered and can't do anything and she drags him down. I get pulled in to this because neither one of them can seem to take care of things. Their roof leaked and the ceiling started to fall in...their clothes dryer went out and filth and that has ended up surrounding them is beyond words. I try to help. But how in the world can I begin to help people who don't care enough to help themselves?

Valued Member Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Posts: 13

I can't believe I have been reading and posting since Dr Phil went off. Growing up with my mom was really bad. She cried all the time. When she came home she argued over small things. She was just plain evil. I don't remember hugging or kissing her growing up. She was miserable. Accused me of doing things I never did. We didn't spend much time together because I was at work...and even the short time we had was bad. Maybe she was mad at me for cleaning up the downstairs? Now that I understand what I was living in, I think this may be it. Today we talk all the time and see each other on a regular. We hug and kiss. I love her but can't say I did back when I was growing up. I really feel sorry for her but in reality...shouldn't I feel sorry for that poor little girl and little boy growing up sitting on the dirty floor? I made peace with my childhood and am just trying to move forward. I hope I can fully move forward one day.

Valued Member Joined: May 08, 2008 Posts: 23 Location: CA

My mother really did love me but in a messed up way. I remember her singing lullabys to me and bouncing me on her knee when I was really young. I also remember her telling me she was going to cut my arm off with a big knife when I wrote on a wall. She thought I was her perfect little girl, but I could never be that. Everyone else always failed to pass her perfection test but I always knew I was like them and eventually I would be the enemy too. She remembers every mistake I ever made and she insists I did them on purpose just to torture her. I know she did her best and she was just really messed up. There were things that happened to her that weren't her fault. I love her for many things that she did for me but I also avoid her. I associate her with sadness and fear and I don't like to go back to those memories. I moved a long way away and I call her a couple of times a year to make sure she is OK (which she never is). Her way of thinking really screws me up and I don't want it to hurt my kids.

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 422

I was raised with a lot of mixed signals from my Mom, and my Dad was the buffer who I could talk/vent to. Mom loved babies and believed in really nurturing them and developing their intelligence, etc. ahead of her time. However, when they reached 5 and started school they were pretty much on their own. When the oldest reached teenage she took over the groceries and cooking, and planning Birthday parties. Nobody cleaned except for when relatives came to visit a couple of times a year and then everyone scrambled to straighten things up. Old silk flower arrangements covered in cobwebs still remained, but it was an improvement and our relatives were tolerant. From age 5 on she became increasingly annoyed with me, although there were times when I would get her approval over school or artwork which felt amazing. By 16, I made a point of being somewhere else and thought of myself as very rebellious and nonconformist, but in hindsight I don't think I had other options. She was always very lovely, gracious, wise, and smiling to anyone outside of our immediate family, and when I got married she became that person to me and my older sisters when they married as well. It was eerie! She was a doting grandmother also, so it seemed she had the right ideals, she just couldn't activate them with her own family. Control and guarding of her stuff was in the way, I think.

Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 9:24 am Post subject:

VJ wrote:

However, when they reached 5 and started school they were pretty much on their own...

By 16, I made a point of being somewhere else and thought of myself as very rebellious and nonconformist, but in hindsight I don't think I had other options...

She was a doting grandmother also, so it seemed she had the right ideals, she just couldn't activate them with her own family. Control and guarding of her stuff was in the way, I think.

Hi VJ, It was almost the opposite experience for me. My mother was not a "kid person". She couldn't wait for us all to become adults so she could have adult relationships with us. We always looked good for the public as kids; she kept us dressed nicely and groomed neatly, but there was no emotional connection in it. By the time the last kid was born (6 in all) she was pretty much done with parenting and his care was left to the family in general.

I thought I was rebellious at 16 too, but I think I was just bored and directionless.

Doting grandmother- Not. She can barely stand to have them at family dinners. it causes too much anxiety- they might touch something or want *god forbid* attention .

I guess control (or lack thereof) comes in all forms...

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 422

That's interesting, Lisa. You described the family I married into. I married the youngest of 5 who never learned to talk until he was five. Nobody noticed at home. He was from a military family where appearances were top priority and the house looked like a model home. I thought I'd found "normal" but didn't realize that they had equal if not worse issues! His Mom NEVER offered to babysit, and I wouldn't have let her anyway. She was great with adults though.

Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 11:59 pm Post subject:

Looking back, I think alot of my rebellion was looking for a place, or group, to belong, someplace where I was accepted and 'normal'. I was looking for love in all the wrong places because that wasn't the feeling that I got at home. My family was centered around my mother, and never the children, like in a normal family. It was always about keeping mom happy, no one else. She was the child, emotionally, and we were all to take care of her and make her happy. I couldn't wait to get away from that. It was a job that I could never fulfill and I wanted to quit trying.