The Doorbell/Knock At Door

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2032 Location: Cabo

The Doorbell/Knock At Door:
What was your reaction when somebody would come to the house?
Were you allowed to let them in? Experiences/Thoughts/Feelings

New Member Joined: Mar 21, 2008 Posts: 1

Oh the famous doorbell... Lucky for us we had a dog and she would start barking long before the doorbell rang (it gave us an extra 60 seconds or so to prep). In this amount of time we could get ourselves to the door and have our excuse (outright lie) pretty much ready for the unwelcome visitor. Here is our most used excuse "Sorry I had to meet you out on the front porch, but the dog will jump all over you, now what did you need.... wait out here (in the 15 degree weather, while it's snowing like crazy) and I'll be right back with that." We had milllions of other excuses and my Mom's were always the most creative (probably because she actually believed them to be true). My sister told me the other day that she still feels mild panic when her doorbell rings at her home now (she's been out of Mom's place for over 10 years).

Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 7:28 am Post subject:

Yes, I felt some panic. It wasn't exactly that we weren't *allowed* to let anyone in, but I knew my mum would be embarassed and I was too.

We used the dog excuse a lot too.

I know it's been even worse for me since I moved out and have a family and house of my own to take care of. My house is nothing like my parents house, but it's a little cluttered and untidy usually. Maybe it's because it's all on me now, I am responsible, the one who will be looked down on if it doesn't meet others standards, while before it was more my mum's *problem*.

I can't stand anyone coming to the door... well, if it's just a delivery person or someone I don't have any reason to let in it's not too bad, but the sick shaky feeling is still there when the knock/bell comes. Same with the phone, possibly because I am always afraid it will be someone wanting to come over.

Some years ago I literally used to go and hide in the best place I could, so that no-one could see me, even if they decided to snoop in the windows- I was convinced they would. In each house we moved to (we rented, so tended to have to move every couple of years of so, when landlords sold up or whatever) one of the first things I would do was to work out escape routes to hiding places throughout the house, depending on where I would be when the dreaded doorbell rang. I rarely would answer the door. I remember the first couple of people I shared a house with used to think I was weird... I'd whisper to them to "hide! quickly! don't answer the door!" It was so stressful and terrifying. I'm better now, but still often don't answer the door, unless I'm expecting somebody.

Even though the house is not a *hoard house* as such, I panic when I know we will be having an inspection or something. We don't really have anyone to visit except family. In the past I've tried to make regular times for people to come over... say once a week for a homeschool activity... but it's just ended up being so stressful and causing me to be ill, or to end up making excuses to get out of it, so I have given up for now. We just go to events elsewhere.

In one way I hate having this feeling and reaction, but in another I can't really make myself *want* to have people come over. I think it just stirs up to many distressing memories and thoughts.

COH Under 18 yrs. Joined: Feb 15, 2008 Posts: 95

Yeah, we sometimes don't open the door, actually I do and then am scolded for it. Most conversations by anyone coming to our house to drop something off or something are held outside. It's lame.

Active Member Joined: Jul 16, 2007 Posts: 58

Wow. This is my first post here as this site and the others like it bring back so many painful memories. Answering the door is right at the top of the list. I grew up in the Northwest suburbs of Chicago. Basically a garbage house. I can't even describe the shame that pervaded my experiences growing up there. Anyway, we would answer the door by opening it just the slightest crack and peek out to see who was there, even if they were somehow expected. Even for my uncle who had grown up in the same kind of environment. My uncle left years earlier (when it was my grandparent's house - hoarders as well) and he was 'one of them' at that point. Years later I experienced the same kind of feeling. Today I am 'one of them' - an outsider, one who doesn't understand . It all brings me such sorrow, if only because it didn't have to be this way. I tried and tried and tried to change things, all of my efforts in vain. Once someone in the neighborhood said to me, "Just because you are poor doesn't mean you have to be filthy" and I took that to heart because she was right. I didn't realize yet what she had also failed to realize - it's simply impossible to change the way someone else wants to live. And to this day my mother, aunt and grandmother live that way. It breaks my heart but there is little I can do.

Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:50 pm Post subject: Re: Ah, answering the door...

Lazarus wrote:

It breaks my heart but there is little I can do.

Your posts are breaking my heart. I really feel for you and all that is implied by what you've said so far. Please share more of "your story" when you are ready.

Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:06 pm Post subject:

Lazarus,

Oh, I remember your very 1st post. It cut me right to the quick in very few words... and a valid question.

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, it sounds like it was very rough on you... but looking on the good side, you are here and it sounds like you have addressed/are addressing many of your demons and are approaching a better place than where you came from... Good for you... keep it up friends & support

Valued Member Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Posts: 13

I'm reading the post and saying...wow, this is everything I felt when growing up. I feel for some of us that are having a hard time in our adult life with the generation curse. I hated to hear the knocks on the door. It was so embarrassing. We never had company...no family or friends. My brother didn't care and let anyone come in without any problems. As I am sitting here typing...so many memories are coming back to me. I had cousins growing up. Their house was the house to be at. Always clean. As we all started to get older and drive, my cousin would come with my brother to our mothers house. Regardless of how much I cleaned...it was never really clean...so it was still embarrassing regardless. So when I got out on my own...that same cousin came over to my apartment. The first thing he said was Wow, it's clean I didn't expect that. Little did he know, I only kept the main rooms clean, my bedroom was another thing. Hang in their my friends. We really have to reprogram our thought process. People come into our lives to help us, we should allow them to help us. I've only been able to keep my house clean since 2002...when I got married to a neat freak. We divorced 3 years later, but I am still keeping the place clean. I give things to the thrift store each time the season changes. I do have a lot of papers though and keep them in tubs in a storage closet. I have way too many reference books that I started throwing out finally. I use storage rooms too. It really is worth paying for because the important things we think we need are in storage while the house we live in is presentable. We can survive this!

COH Under 18 yrs. Joined: Sep 10, 2007 Posts: 2

The door still fills me with fear.
Having to open it a crack, and block the filth behind it with your body.
I often used the dog excuse.
Sometimes I think about suicide, or ringing social services, once I begged my friends mother as a child to take me in.
She laughed it off, never believed me.

Last year, I grew very ill, contracted MRSA, my weight fell to 5 stone.
I could not walk, I was in agony, and was being fed through an infected tube in my stomach.
When you have a chronic illness, and are recovering from an operation, in the UK a nurse comes, changes your dressing and offers advice.

I never got this nurse. My Mum tried to keep me away in the hospital as long as possible, and made excuses to the nurse, such as "this girl needs to walk, if you come, she'll never get to walk, as everything will be done for her".
So instead, I had to try and stumble along the endless corridors of the hospital everyday, in great pain, just to avoid the nurse.
We went, everyday.

There was no where to move in my house.
Try manouvering around in that state.

I love my mother, but I am still bitter about it now.
I feel I have lived it all, seen it all, done it all.
I just don't want to be around anymore.

I am 16 years old.

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 422

Thatgirl, I hope you find helpful, good support and perspective here! I also hope you are well now. I have a 23 yr old daughter and I have enjoyed watching her life and her friends lives unfold on their paths to adulthood. 16 is a tough age, friends can be immature, school is intense, and life is just more dramatic without being a COH! For what it is worth, some of my favorite people had horrible childhoods, however as adults they decided to fix the mistakes their parents made and became amazing parents and worked toward wonderful lives. Their successes were even more precious to them because they truly appreciate what they have now. I wish this for you as well, so hang in there and vent here a lot! You will have many people rooting for you!

Valued Member Joined: May 08, 2008 Posts: 23 Location: CA

Thatgirl, how are you doing now? I know that MRSA can be very difficult to get rid of. I hope you are doing better. There was a time when I was very sick for about a year and a half and I wanted to just die and get it over with. I am better now and I don't feel that way any more, but I know that when you feel horrible every day it is hard to believe that it will ever get better. I am so sorry that you had to recover in filth and without proper care. You deserved a lot better. Are you sure you've seen it all? I think you've mostly seen the bad stuff. The world gets a lot bigger with a lot more choices when you get out out on your own and you don't have to live with your parents' mistakes. Do you have any plans for getting out of that house? If you are still sick that may be difficult, but even making them in your head can give you a sense of power and make you feel better. When I was in high school I thought that my unhappiness was my own fault and that when I left I would just drag my problems along with me. Boy was I wrong. My whole life changed when I left my mother's house. You have already survived 16 years in that house. Just try to hang in there for a couple more years. You deserve to let yourself see some of the good parts of life too.

COH & Moderator Joined: Aug 01, 2006 Posts: 474

Welcome Thatgirl. I am really sorry about the MRSA problems on top of everything else. I had to google pounds to stone conversion to understand that 5 stones is 70 pounds. I can't imagine what that looks like for a 15 year old girl. That is truly scary.

But the main thing is about your lack of hope and the fact that you obviously feel like a victim. How old were you when you asked your friends mother to let you come live with her? It might be worth it to try again.

If you do, make sure you have pictures of the insides of the house to show her the problem. If she is a compassionate person, then she might well understand.

Are there any other relatives that you could live with?

Your mention about social services may not be a bad idea. I don't know what things are like over there. There would be two issues. One is whether they would take you out of the house, which it sounds like you probably prefer. The second is where would they place you.

You do have some options, although they may not be good options. If you decide that staying there is better than relatives, or foster homes, or getting the social services people to find out about the house and force your mother to clean up, you should be out of the house pretty soon. Start planning for that. If you want to go to college, where are you going to go? What do you want to study? What will it be like to live in a dorm where you can keep your room clean? If you aren't planning on college, you can start thinking about what you want in a roommate. Start saving money for a deposit on an apartment.

Another idea is to spend as much time away from the house as possible. Go for long walks, or bike rides.

You aren't trapped in today's situation no matter how bad it seems. You can hang on for a couple of more years, and you'll be free.

I hope you can post here some more.

You aren't alone.

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2032 Location: Cabo

Thatgirl,

I am so so sorry for how the hoarding has impacted your life. Please remember that none of this is about YOU....and no matter how hard you try, there isn't anything you can do to "fix" it either.

Have you seen this page on the COH Main website?:
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/LivingInIt.php
"Are you living in it right now?"

You are a VALUABLE person. Don't forget that.

Please come back here whenever you need to be HEARD. We're all ears for you.

Donna

COH Under 18 yrs. Joined: Oct 28, 2007 Posts: 25

Oh god i know this scenario all too well..peeking out from a crack from behind the door as to allow as little view of the house as possible..the awkward exchange of items (sometimes take aways...sometimes packages) through the front door. Friends knocking for me but always ending up sitting on the front porch pretending to have just had an argument with my mum. Thankfully now most of my friends are aware that my mother has this problem and so don't expect to be let in and instead invite me to their places. But i still don't like it when my friends drop me home in their cars and watch me going into the house...i'm practically doing a contortionist act trying to get through a tiny space so they can't see in. I guess this is because although i've told them,...no words could ever describe the true horror of what its like behind that door and so i still get a bit panicky at the thought of people seeing in.

Active Member Joined: Jul 16, 2007 Posts: 58

Donna wrote

Quote:

Please remember that none of this is about YOU....and no matter how hard you try, there isn't anything you can do to "fix" it either.

Amen to that, sister! I made all the efforts I could and it was all in vain. So I gave up and realized that I can't make anyone live any other way than the way they want to live. I almost feel selfish but it's something I had to come to terms with for my own sanity. I do still struggle with it today.

P.S. - I was offline for awhile. I'm bipolar and facing these issues again kind of sent me over the top emotionally. So my benefits started and work and I went to the doctor. So now I'm on meds to help with the mood swings. I'm taking Wellbutrin, something I took for a year back in 00-01, works well for me.

Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 10:26 am Post subject:

Lazarus wrote:

P.S. - I was offline for awhile. I'm bipolar and facing these issues again kind of sent me over the top emotionally. So my benefits started and work and I went to the doctor. So now I'm on meds to help with the mood swings. I'm taking Wellbutrin, something I took for a year back in 00-01, works well for me.

Hi Lazarus,
Welcome back! Your disclosure about having bipolar disorder has me wondering if your mother is bipolar too. And if so, does she control it with medication? And if so, do you see a difference in her hoarding behavior when her medication level are stable? Does your twin share the same affliction? Your father?

Coping with the childhood life dealt you (Las Vegas black jack pun there, nyuk nyuk) would have be tough enough; to add a bipolar disorder to the mix is just the craps (nyuk, nyuk again)

Also curious to know (but none of my business) if your frequent moves to and from Las Vegas corrospond with manic mood swings.

Active Member Joined: Jul 16, 2007 Posts: 58

Hello,

Hmmmm... I don't know if my mom is bipolar. She has always been so nutty and given to drama that it's quite possible. She certainly has never been diagnosed or taken meds for anything like that though. I don't think my dad is bipolar, just a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies :) My twin? I wonder. Maybe. She's never been diagnosed or mentioned it or anything either. I've only recently determined that I'm bipolar myself so who knows? At least one of my moves did correspond with a manic episode. When I moved from Vegas back to MN in '05. Lol, I wonder if Vegas can exacerbate bipolar symptoms in people, it was never this bad before ;) Only when in Vegas. But it's such a strange city to live in, a real cartoon. I'm looking for the sane ones out here though to make friends with. It's coming along, just going to take some time.

Danny

Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:25 am Post subject:

Hmmm, The only sane people I ever met in Vegas were Donna and her husband, when they lived there, and the ones behind the cages at the Mirage....

But then again, who goes to Vegas to find sanity???!!!! Going nuts

Good luck on your quest!

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2032 Location: Cabo

Lisa wrote:

Hmmm, The only sane people I ever met in Vegas were Donna and her husband, when they lived there

You sure you don't want to rethink that Lisa??

Lazarus wrote:

Quote:

I've only recently determined that I'm bipolar myself so who knows? At least one of my moves did correspond with a manic episode. When I moved from Vegas back to MN in '05. Lol, I wonder if Vegas can exacerbate bipolar symptoms in people, it was never this bad before ;) Only when in Vegas.

Danny, are you back in Vegas now? Yeah, not as glamorous as what they show on the Travel Channel when you live there, huh? :)

Maybe being in Vegas, rather than exacerbating "manic episodes," can bring about impulsivity...if you spend a lot of time in the casinos and are exposed to compulsive behaviors often??? gosh, maybe that is the same thing as a manic episode, I don't know.

Well, if you are there now-maybe we will have our COH & Family Convention there someday and hopefully you will come! Matter of fact, I'll be there in August for 3 days...maybe I will check out venues?? Actually, I think I'd rather have our convention "SOMEday" in Nashville, to be sure norse and his wife nashbabe will be there-want to be impulsive and fly to Nashville one day?? smiling

All I know is if I lived back there, getting involved in healthy pursuits would have to be a priority...like a hiking club, some volunteer work with kids...Alanon, things like that. Maybe doing things like that would be a good way for you to meet sane people that you could strike up friendships with? (if you are there now, that is!)

Donna

Active Member Joined: Jan 24, 2007 Posts: 138

To this day, even though I live in a "normal" mostly-clean townhome, I still cringe when there is a knock at the door. Having company also sends me into a panic. I start scrubbing baseboards, dusting ceiling-fans, scrubbing floors...it's almost like a crisis-clean only I do keep things pretty clean anyway so I probably could get by without doing all that. However, I imagine that people are doing the "white glove test" and tsking at my "poor housekeeping." In reality, they're admiring the big-screen TV and new couch and loveseat and enjoying SO's secret-rub-recipe steaks. But, there's that little part inside that says, "If they knew the truth..."

Scar

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 422

Scarred, when I had the neighbors over recently with much angst I was so proud to have pulled it all together. My first guest went straight to my antique silver spoon collection in a display case on the wall. "These are really beautiful", he said, "Don't ever clean them, they look perfect this way!" I'm thinking, "Shoot, I forgot to clean the spoon collection!" and was this a backhanded compliment that said, "These spoons are really tarnished!" ??? Argh....

Active Member Joined: Jan 24, 2007 Posts: 138

Oh VJ, it is so sad but I can totally identify!

Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 7:10 pm Post subject:

We had a young cousin Wendy visit from England once. My mother kept her talking on the door-step (with her siutcases etc)! She had taken a taxi from the airport, and paid a FORTUNE to come and visit with us!

Wendy's family had been so wonderful & welcoming to us when we had visited the U.K. I was totally EMBARASSED, so much so that I hid upstairs until she left. Shocking! My mother gave her some money to buy a "nice dinner" in a resturant and called her a taxi.

My mother STILL can't understand why Wendy doesn't answer her letters & Christmas cards. Has to be because Wendy is such a B__ch! Ahhhhhhhh! Banging head against wall

It really couldn't have anything to do with living in a dump.............!

Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 7:28 pm Post subject:

Hi there ThatGirl,

I really feel for you. It sounds like you are living in a house like the one I grew up in. It breaks my heart to read your words

Quote:

"once I begged my friends mother as a child to take me in.
She laughed it off, never believed me."

As a child I tried to get people to believe me, to understand the squalor I was forced to live in. Like you, no one would believe me! That is one reason that I so CHERISH this group, when I say something about my mother's house ~ there are other people who TOTALLY understand. Many have lived through similar experiences.

You are young now, but you WILL get past this. Use this group for the support and encouragement you need. Don't ever doubt your worth, don't accept the responsibity for things that are not your burden.

Sending good wishes your way,
Sally-Sue