Fault/Blame

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2031 Location: Cabo

Fault/Blame :
Were you ever blamed/never blamed for the condition of the house?
Did you ever feel guilty for it, or never felt that way? Experiences/Thoughts/Feelings

Valued Member Joined: Mar 17, 2008 Posts: 4 Location: CA

My father always has, and continues to blame me. He always says stuff like, "You and your mother left me with this disaster house." In reality, he was really the person who should have stepped in to be responsible. How can you hold a child responsible for something like that? He is something of a hoarder in his own right, though not to my mom's degree.

My mother never did or does. She never had me help around the house at all, even before it became a disaster, I never had any chores. So, I never felt bad really, or thought there was anything I could have done to help. She would get upset if my dad tried to get rid of anything, so I knew that this was not something I should try doing. The only thing we would have fights about, would be my cleaning my room. I used to try to keep a clean room, but as I got older and the house got worse and worse, I saw less and less point to trying to keep my own room clean. I remember very distinctly, at the age of 8 or 9, when my mom was on a rampage about me cleaning my room while the rest of the house was such a disaster that I wasn't allowed to have friends over, saying something like, "How can you expect me to keep my room clean when the rest of the house is so messy?? Children learn through example! I don't know HOW to keep it clean! If you will keep the rest of the house clean, then I will clean my room too!"

Sometimes I wonder, looking back, if my help around the house would really have made that much difference. I don't think it would have. She would have just found more things to buy and hoard.

Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:49 am Post subject:

Yep, its all my fault too.

I'm an only child, and my dad left when I was five (then died when I was 8). My mom would stand over me and order me to do things, all the while telling me I wasn't doing it right. For as long as I can remember, it was always my fault that the house was a mess. And its still my fault, 18 years after moving out. Even though the house is now so bad she can't even fit one more storage container into it.

I got to the point as a teenager, that I wouldn't do anything, in terms of cleaning. We'd get in shouting matches, and I'd tell her "why should I bother, when I can't do anything right anyways".

My aunt and cousin wouldn't come into town to visit because it upset them to see the way she treated me. When my cousin was 5 years old, he told his mom "moms shouldn't talk to their kids that way". Out of the mouths of babes!

She still tries to guilt me, constantly. I have no family in the area, and no significant other. And I have chronic health problems, so when I've had a health crisis, I've had to turn to my mom for help. I am grateful for the times she has helped me, and I've expressed that, and tried to help her when I can. But she never lets me hear the end of it, of all she does for me. And when I won't let her store stuff in my house, she goes ballistic, bringing out the double-barrell guilt guns. But I don't buy into it anymore. I'm not going to enable her by supporting her shopping and hoarding problems. I have enough clutter of my own that I need to deal with (I can border on minor hoarding at times, but mostly just get messy). When I'm stressed or sick, I tend to let cleaning and organizing go.

My aunt tells me that as a young adult, my mom told her pareents "I didn't ask to be born, so you owe me a living." They have paid nearly all her bills her entire life. Always bought every car she ever had, paid the mortgage, the taxes, utilities, etc. Even though she has a job. When I was home, if her parents wouldn't give her money, she'd tell them it was for their granddaughter. Now she uses the excuse that she came and took care of them when they were ill, so they owe her. But, ironically, she tells me the opposite, that I owe her a living because she "bore" me, and gave up her life for me. Where's the living she "owes" me? (just in case you didn't get it, that was 100% sarcasm)

I thank God that I have a few sane extended family members, and friends that remind me that its not me, its her issues. And that moms should not treat their kids that way. All I have to do is look at my own home, which gets messy, but is well kept up, and not filled with junk. And then look at hers, which has not had any maintenance in years, and been filled from floor to ceiling, and wall to wall. Then I can see clearly the reality, the truth of who really has the problem. I pride myself on being independant, paying my bills ontime (usually), putting myself thru college, and now grad school, and working full time to support myself.

I'm sick and tired of the manipulation and the guilt tactics, but they are her issues, not mine. And I know the truth. So she can bring those double-barrelled guilt guns out whenever she wants, I've got my bullet proof vest on. <wink>

Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 4:03 am Post subject:

Keep that vest on.

One of the first posts I read on this site was.. "Of course they can push our buttons, they installed them!"

take care of you!

Valued Member Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Posts: 13

Growing up I don't recall being blamed. As an adult when I began talking to my mom on the phone on a regular basis I have been blamed for her place being like it is because she is always on the phone with me. Then when I don't call her during the week or on the weekends, it's why aren't you calling me.

Valued Member Joined: May 08, 2008 Posts: 23 Location: CA

It was always my fault. I was an only child and never knew my father and my mother couldn't POSSIBLY be to blame, so who else was there? I always felt very guilty because, unlike most of you, I didn't really try to clean anything. It was just so overwhelming I had no idea what to do. To me it was so filthy that it would never be clean no matter how hard you scrubbed it anyway. Besides, she always gave me a set of rules that made it impossible to do, like we could only fill one garbage can a week so the neighbors wouldn't know. Just the other day she told me that she just didn't understand why when I left home and stayed with a friend they said I was such a good child- that I always made my bed and helped with the dishes, etc. Later I realized that the answer I should have given her was that I HAD a bed and I could actually find the sink.

New Member Joined: May 16, 2008 Posts: 1

What2do wrote:

Keep that vest on.

One of the first posts I read on this site was.. "Of course they can push our buttons, they installed them!"

take care of you!

Wow, my girlfriend says the exact same thing about her Mom! I'm here to learn more about my girlfriend (we're both 43). I've only been here a couple hours and so much has been explained already, thanks.

Not really related to the original post I guess though, so sorry to hijack. What2do's post was just an exact quote of what my girlfriend said once. Now back to your regularly scheduled program (programme)! :)

Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject:

Once when I was probably 7 or 8 my older brother (17 or 18 at the time) carted off a bunch of stuff to the dump. I think he was trying to make a healthier place for me to grow up in. I really don't remember being aware that there was a lot of stuff at the time (I thought "surfing" on piles of Nat'l Geos in order to get onto the pile of clothes on the couch was normal.) The only feeling I remember was my mother bawling her eyes out about the loss of those items. She didn't blame me, she was so sad, despondent that my brother had done that. There was apparently a clawfoot chair that had belonged to her mother that she had planned on getting reappholstered (sp?), along with some other items. All I remember was a terrible, terrible feeling of sadness about losing stuff. It has taken me 35 years to get over that feeling.

COH Under 18 yrs. Joined: Oct 28, 2007 Posts: 25

Countless times has my mother tried to shift the blame over to me during a heated debate or full on argument. It's always my fault for not taking my shoes upstairs or not doing the dishwasher...but in the grand scheme of things my clutter makes up about 5% of the stuff in the house so although my mother tries to drill into me that its my fault because i "don't help" - I will always know i am not to blame.
I hope that all other COH's know this too.
Don't ever let the self doubt creep in or it takes over....remember you're the sane one and don't ever forget it (no matter how much your hoarder parents tries to make out that you're the crazy one!).