Post-Intervention Stress Syndrome (P.I.S.S.)

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 1984 Location: Cabo

Hello,
So I got home late tonight from a 3 week trip at my mom's hoard house.

It's about 4 or 5 am ...I absolutely can't sleep because I keep feeling phantom fleas crawling all through my hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is driving me absolutely insane. I worry I've brought them back and now they are getting in my bed...on my husband--will start breeding in my house.

I was so worried they would off me on the plane on the person next to me. Maybe they DID?? Madly using the flea comb on my dog from the minute we woke up-rushing outside at every plane change/airport -obsessively not wanting to bring this piece of hoard home with me. Comb, comb, drown them in the water. Have people look at the freaky obsessive woman with no class flea combing her dog in public here. They just don't know--- To have fleas in MY house would be really, really psychologically upsetting.

The guilt I have for bringing my dog and putting her through the flea hell is huge. I *knew* it would happen, yet I still brought her. Guilt.

memories of childhood--it was *known* the fleas were there, literally PEPPERING us, the children, yet the solution of removing the stuff to fog/bomb effectively was an unTHINKable option. Like it is today. Must tiptoe around the disorder so the hoarder won't get mad at the idea of upsetting *stuff*.

Keep the peace.
"Be pleasant." "Talk about happy-happy things instead."
Let your mom live in an unbelievably flea infested hoarded home where you don't try to fix it because it would just freak them out too much. Where fleas crawl in her hair and all over her body. biting ankles. Every night. Day. I don't want my mom to live like this. To know fleas crawl over her each night. Biting. That she won't have it remedied, because there are so many reasons it CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T be done. Must not be done. Oh no no no, that is not possible.
Someday. SOMEday.
Don't upset the hoarder. But live with the guilt as you sit in your flealess clutterless home while they crawl all over your elderly health-fading mother (who you love and care about) where she sleeps on the couch surrounded by magazines.
This is just one thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting my very fresh PISS--off to take a Tylenol PM to get some sleep.
Hope to catch up around here very soon-hi everybody-hope things are going as well as they can for you!

Donna

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 1984 Location: Cabo

My mom very badly doesn't want this flea situation---she is very embarrassed about it---embarrasment that comes out as anger at me for sharing the situation with my husband over the phone that she heard. I know this. And I feel very bad for her. I KNOW how embarrassed she is and I don't want her to feel even WORSE about what SHE has to live in day in and day out, but dammit, I'm *allowed* to share with my husband whatever I want to about my life and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. It's not my secret to keep anymore.
The dagger looks directed at me that come from her fear and embarrassment over sharing the situation with my dh make me hurt for HER now, not me. Not my fault.
But I still care.
Does that make me sick and codependent? Trying to be controlling of my mother and I'm the bad guy?
I guess so-but isn't that what daughters are SUPPOSED to do? To care?
Ok...really going to take that Tylenol now....

thanks for listening.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 7:49 am Post subject:

Hey.... Donna.... (nudge, nudge) .... wake up.... it's time to get up.

Just take a breath, take a deep breath.... iiiiiiin...... ooooout.... good.

WELCOME HOME!

Wow! You have surely been through it! Though, I'm also glad you guys had some quality time together, too. Thumb's up!

When you said:

Quote:

The guilt I have for bringing my dog and putting her through the flea hell is huge. I *knew* it would happen, yet I still brought her. Guilt.

I know, you know, that you dog was much happier just being with you in whatever setting! Fleas? Poochie don't care about no stinkin' fleas, and just wants to be with mommy! Now, staying home and not having mommy around for 3 weeks... now THAT'S guilt!!

Boy Donna, you touched on some things there that bring back some of the anxioty I remember!

Quote:

memories of childhood--it was *known* the fleas were there, literally PEPPERING us, the children,

As a child, I have similar memories. Not from hoarding but from growing up poor with 6 of us kids with our pets, and only one parent to take care of us... so the place was dirty and cluttered but not hoardered... but I know the feeling you mention, very well!

Quote:

Keep the peace.
"Be pleasant." "Talk about happy-happy things instead."

This rings loud, too, I trained myself to do this while growing up, surrounded by depression and hopelessness, I'd heard the "happy-happy" term, verbatum, from my mother as she was having one of her break-downs, so this feeling you mention sounds so familiar to me, too.

Quote:

The dagger looks directed at me that come from her fear and embarrassment over sharing the situation

Now, THIS one brings me to the present!... with my wife/IL's and her/thier hoard... so boy, do I still feel that one every day!

Donna, I understand.

... though, only to a point, because this situation is yours , not mine, but I can relate... and care.

... so, take care, welcome back, relax and go back to sleep then go do something fun for yourself and your hubby. We'll be here. friends & support

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 315

Wow, that was a deja vu moment for me. Fleas are horrible on farms and I was allergic to the bites so I was covered with welts and too embarrassed to admit to anyone they were flea bites. I'm sure leprosy crossed their minds. We used flea powder then, and then later when I moved in with my sis and her 6 dogs we used that stuff you put on their shoulders and flea bombs in the house. Also I would spray my clothes with repellent, especially the ankles. Mice have fleas too I discovered while removing one from the house. My poor dog is what I term "bug phobic" from living there. He has a fit if an insect is in the house, which fortunately rarely happens now except for the garden spiders who get returned promptly.

I've been experimenting with lavender which is supposed to repel fleas and so far so good. I bathe him with lavender scented shampoos. Another thing I read was that ants eat flea eggs. I don't know if it's true, but as long as they stay outside they are welcome. They also thrive in dry areas, not well watered lawns I've heard, so I briefly soak the yard daily. These rituals may just make me feel better, but I haven't seen a flea in years. Just reading about your trip is making me itch, I'm so sorry you had to re-live that horrible sensation.

COH & Moderator Joined: Aug 01, 2006 Posts: 459

I am sooooo glad you're home now. I hope Lisa gets moved out soon if she hasn't already.

I'm so sorry about the fleas. We had to "bomb" the house a couple of times growing up. We'd do it as the last thing as we left the house for two week vacations so the bombs had plenty of time to work.

And you're right about what you share with your hubby. Dagger stares or not, you have a right to tell him about anything you have to live through, no matter what!

Come back when you're ready. You already know about the one "challenge" that Elizabeth and I had. That seems to have blown over anyway, and the yahoo group is screaming along again.

I'm really glad you're home safe!

Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 2:11 pm Post subject:

I'm happy Donna made it home safe and sound too. Hurricane warnings in Texas/Mexico on her travel day did not help the anxiety levels!

Thanks for your concern Norse- I move into my 9 months house-sitting gig on August 20. (I've given up looking for a house for now because I can't make a major decision to save my life)

I'm very worried about bringing the fleas to the new house. I'll be caring for two cats...

And, come to think of it, I'll be dog sitting for a week in just two weeks... I better figure out a way to de flea by then! I can probably use the showers and student laundry room at work and just make sure I don't go to the flea house while animal sitting...

Makes me feel bad to have to consciously avoid the flea house re: mom, but sometimes playing by her rules gets unintended results. She'll miss me- maybe it will spur her into action...

Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 2:39 pm Post subject:

Lisa-

When I first moved out from roach filled apartments to new ones, I figured out a very simple way to get rid of those little critters as I moved . I simply rented a covered moving truck and after loading it with all my stuff, I set off a "bomb" inside it to kill all the stragglers and the eggs and let it sit over night, before I unloaded it into the new clean place... and that worked very well.... just a thought.

Good luck making a decision... DON'T STOP TRYING!!! Thumb's up!

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 10:30 am Post subject:

Hey OAI,

Good idea to set off a bomb. Suppose I could load up the Honda and set one off in there?

Thanks for the decision making advise. I actually looked at a house yesterday even though I said I wouldn't. It's an old farmhouse- 1890 - and hasn't been updated inside at all. But I could see it as it could be with a lot of work. Gorgeous, elegently charming, lots of character. An hour away from "The hoard."

I was telling a woman at work about it. She knows about the hoarding situation at home. When I told her about the big attached barn with a connecting door to the second floor of the house she said, "Wow, you could really collect a lot of stuff!"

AKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I kind of like the idea of having all that space and leaving it WIDE OPEN!

If you don't mind sharing this, how many people have experience with old houses? Am I crazy to think it would be a fulfilling project to work on? I know it will be expensive to heat ($5000 last winter I'm told) but it has a woodstove that could be used to supplement. And the small rooms could be combined to make larger rooms. And it has a spooky basement which is very cool, and a creapy attic that is even cooler. probably comes with ghosts too. I'm not rich. Would I be taking on a huge headache? Would I ever be able to travel again or would I be tethered to the house? I could do a lot of the work myself- actually I would have to since I'm alone.

Would all the empty space call to me in the middle of the night.... "Fill Meeeeee, Fill Meeeeeeeeeee"

Decisions decisions, I wish someone would make up my mind!

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 315

That house sounds enchanting, Lisa. I love the leave it WIDE OPEN concept. Just think you could just stand there, anywhere you wanted and enjoy the space! That said, yes, old houses can be a lot of work. I'd get an expert contractor/inspector in there to tell you exactly what you are in for with foundation, roof, plumbing, and removal of any asbestos, mold or lead paint.

Also areas that can be insulated perhaps to keep that heating bill down. Movies like "Baby Boom" come to mind, or on the darker side "The Money Pit" which both had happy endings btw. My aunt had an old Victorian that they did all the work on and I have many happy memories about it. They lived on the street where "Pollyanna" was filmed.

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 1984 Location: Cabo

OAI, VJ, norse (and of course Lisa too)---
Thank you so so so so so much for your support! I really can't tell you how much it meant/means to me.

I'm a lot better mentally now than the night I got back when I posted. Proper flea bath for my dog/everything has gone through the laundry that I had with me. Relief. No phantom fleas last night either, yay.

I had many good times with my mother too while I was home so such is the life of this COH, the bad hoard and flea memories will keep fading and get foggy and put in the back of my mind and the good ones will get louder, on purpose, as those are the ones I want to hold on to.

Which creates the deflating long-distance COH cycle of when I go back every 6 months or so....when the hoard and paths have creeped back to what was just churned and every space is covered again and it hits me with a wall of depression along with the "smell" when I walk in. Like it did.
Even though I *KNOW* it will happen, like taxes, seeing it has an effect all the same. There's always hope hidden down there somewhere, as much as I pretend there isn't.

The day I left my mom said she was going to do some of those "avoidance" errands (critical car maintenance needed at the mechanic) after dropping me off. She went shopping instead. She will "have one of my addict brothers fix her car instead" she says. Then, she can blame them when they do it wrong which is probable, rather than herself, for not taking it to the shop like she was supposed to.

My mom HAS to go shopping. She needs a "fix" just like a drug addict. Every time we drove by one of her haunts (that she knows better to take me to unless I get tricked) she would say "hello" to it and tell it "she would be back soon-don't miss me." Does she give personalities and life-like qualities to her places of acquisition? Are they *people* to her? They need her in her mind I guess.

Towards the end of my stay, I really came to understand how much she needed this "fix." I even TOLD HER that if she would like to go to Goodwill today, that is fine with me, I'll go along, it's ok, I understand." We didn't, but at least she knew she could if she wanted to I guess. Crazy isn't it? A COH who went to churn hoard suggesting a trip to Goodwill. Oy.

My sister Lisa did an AMAZING job churning our old room we shared as kids. I can't believe she did it all alone. It was my sanctuary from the hoard while there, and I hope it is hers while she continues to stay there. I stuck a sign up on the wall that says: "Welcome to Paradise!" Lisa, you are a super-churner!!!!!! You win an award! We churned the living room together upstairs and I swear, if anyone needs a focused churner for hire who will produce clear floor-you will get your money's worth out of Lisa!!!!

Thank you everyone so much for all your support!

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 1984 Location: Cabo

OnanIsland wrote:

When I first moved out from roach filled apartments to new ones, I figured out a very simple way to get rid of those little critters as I moved . I simply rented a covered moving truck and after loading it with all my stuff, I set off a "bomb" inside it to kill all the stragglers and the eggs and let it sit over night, before I unloaded it into the new clean place... and that worked very well.... just a thought.

Great idea OAI!!!!

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 1984 Location: Cabo

Quote:

If you don't mind sharing this, how many people have experience with old houses? Am I crazy to think it would be a fulfilling project to work on?

Lisa,
why don't you ask K. Gravity in the Yahoo group (or you can PM her here as Gravity) about this? She is in the process of renovating her childhood hoarded home in Vermont herSELF. Bought $400 worth of do-it-yourself books if I recall correctly and has lots of trial and error under her belt. Bet she'd have some cost-of-heating scoop for you---

Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 8:45 am Post subject:

Thanks VJ and Donna,
I'm very nervous about the prospect of taking on a job like that on my own. And knowing myself as I do, I wonder if I would get discouraged and depressed and wind up with a huge financial mess. This apple didn't fall far from the mother tree in terms of mental anguish about my life... Anyway, I'm doing some hard thinking and will let you know if anything comes of it.

Donna I'm so glad you are feeling better about the visit. Isn't it nice to know that just because our mom hoards, it doesn't always have to be about the hoard.
It may sound like our experience with our hoarder is different than others, but it's not. Just like many of us are in a different place of healing, We are in a different place of relating to our hoarder. We've past the anger stage, at least as the dominant emotion. But the helpless/hopeless stage still persists as we have come to [almost] accept that this just isn't going to go away. Maybe if she were younger... but she's pretty set in her ways. We are mostly resigned to the fact that we will have to be her boundary-definers and keep the hoard contained enough for her to have a semi nice quality of life.
The shopping on the day you left... Argggghhhh. But it's her life.......

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 1984 Location: Cabo

Lisa wrote:

The shopping on the day you left... Argggghhhh. But it's her life.......

Yes it is her life.
But that money spent on shopping could be saved to go towards the
-furnace that will need to be replaced one of these not-too-distant days,
-the pipes getting replaced one of these not-too-distant days and
-the cloth wiring fixed.
-Not to mention insuring her properties that NONE of them are insured.
-Maybe getting her car probs fixed? The *right* way?
-Oh, what about getting a will done?
-Renovating the dilapadated properties?

I understand it though. Shopping is an escape from all those things. I get it.
But her problems become ours later. Not sure she thinks about that too hard.
Sure, we could walk away from it all-but that's not how it's going to work out for our family I know. We've been conditioned our whole lives to clean up her mess and that is how the story is going to end.

Sorry!! Don't mean to be such a downer here, just stating facts is all....
um, er-Happy Monday!
:)

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 315

Hoarders can be like having a really difficult unappealing child. As a parent you love them but realize that you need to find whatever qualities they have that will help them make it through life, and that will be more time consuming than your lovely, charismatic child. It feels like a thankless job, but they are family and you try your best to help them function. Is that the reason all of us are here; to help the strugglers along our journey when we can.

I was shopping with my daughter yesterday and we stopped in her favorite cheese shop and were having a wonderful time sampling all of them. There was a crippled man in a wheelchair next to us also having a wonderful time with a handsome young couple who were with him. I'm sure he requires enormous help, but no one would question that because it was obvious. Hoarders are far more deceptive mental cripples.