Kid Friendly Activities vs. Acquisition Trips

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2031 Location: Cabo

Kid Friendly Activities vs. Acquisition Trips:
Did you ever have to go on places to acquire possessions, or never at all?

If you did have to go on them, has this affected your feelings about those places (i.e.-thrift stores) as an adult?

Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 1:54 pm Post subject:

Donna, I think you meant to ask, "Did you ever have to go on trips to places to acquire possessions..."

This isn't exactly in answer to your question but it's close, and I think it underscores the problem some hoarders have of putting their need for stuff over the needs of their kids.

When I was about 12 I spent some time with friends of the family about 2 hours from home. I came down with mono- didn't know it at the time- just knew I felt awful. My mother was called to come get me. I sunk into the passenger seat feeling heavy, week, sick and generally miserable.

We passed a flee market on the way home. "I just want to stop for a second" she said. She parked so fast she didn't realize she had blocked someone in. I have no idea how long she was gone, but while she was gone a man came to the car and told me it had to be moved. I don't recall the conversation now, but he eventually got in the car, started it up and moved it to another location. I just slouched in the seat and watched.

COH Under 18 yrs. Joined: Feb 15, 2008 Posts: 98

I learned how to entertain myself. I kind of dislike shopping at all now, not just for having to run around and play in stores and crap or that it's part of aquisition but because whenever I needed something we'd go through this whole process where she'd basically dress me up like a doll (not literally of course) and become indecisive about my clothes or whatever it was. At first it was embarassing when I was a little kid but I stopped caring. Then one time I ticked her off I guess so she just gets something if I ask for it, then again that usually results in extra things that she'll, "return later." I also have an urge to trash gift shops and hallmark whenever I get near one. It's all lame. I'm finally taking action (should have it by now but was all sad and stuff not wanting to do anything) about my driver's license, so I imagine it will be less unpleasent to go places.

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2031 Location: Cabo

Quote:

Donna, I think you meant to ask, "Did you ever have to go on trips to places to acquire possessions..."

Yes, I did mean to say that basically, but was also wondering what the balance of like, i.e.-"being taken to the playground vs. being taken to thrift stores,etc." was.

All these questions I've posted here come from past discussions in the Yahoo Group over the last couple of years--one of the topics was about how so many couldn't remember being taken to "kid friendly activities" but remember all the acquisition/shopping trips---like being stuck in Goodwill forever or sitting in the parking lot outside.

My memories of being taken on kid-geared activities, (besides our one trip to DisneyWorld and driving around to look at Cmas lights) are pretty non-existent. But I remember being stuck at craft fairs and antique "open houses" and thrift stores and cheapo stores and flea markets/garage sales until I thought I would explode-dragging us around and needing to behave and not touch anything. And being told "what was the matter with me?!" for not being happy about being there and complaining. For hours. Getting stuff off the side of the road.

I am so grateful for an aunt who took us to things like an animal park once a year, and to see fish spawn and magic shows, etc. Who gave us projects at her house to do (major contrast to home life) and would then be sure to brag about our abilities to others when she knew we could hear.

Family members might not be able to "fix" the situation for COHs, but they can provide lasting memories outside the house for them that open their eyes up to the world outside and other things to "notice" them and help build their self-esteem and confidence in their abilities.
Never undestimate the impact you can have on a child!
smiling

Donna

ps: I really enjoy reading what you post ThatGuy!!

Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 12:32 pm Post subject:

[quote="Donna"]
My memories of being taken on kid-geared activities, (besides our one trip to DisneyWorld and driving around to look at Cmas lights) are pretty non-existent. But I remember being stuck at craft fairs and antique "open houses" and thrift stores and cheapo stores and flea markets/garage sales until I thought I would explode-dragging us around and needing to behave and not touch anything. And being told "what was the matter with me?!" for not being happy about being there and complaining. For hours. Getting stuff off the side of the road.[/quote="Donna"]

Oh Ugh. I forgot all that stuff...

[quote="Donna"]I am so grateful for an aunt who took us to things like an animal park once a year, and to see fish spawn and magic shows, etc. Who gave us projects at her house to do (major contrast to home life) and would then be sure to brag about our abilities to others when she knew we could hear.

Family members might not be able to "fix" the situation for COHs, but they can provide lasting memories outside the house for them that open their eyes up to the world outside and other things to "notice" them and help build their self-esteem and confidence in their abilities.
Never undestimate the impact you can have on a child!
smiling

Donna[/quote="Donna"]

Yes, sometimes it takes just one person planting a postive seed in a child's brain. It may take years to germinate but it's there. I think it was Confusious or Buddha who said, "Once you've Seen, you cannot Unsee". I take that to mean that once you've become aware of (in this case) the problem, you can never go back to your pre-awareness blissful ignorance and you must step up and deal with it. Or you can pretend you don't see it and eventually implode. (I added that last part... from experience!)

Active Member Joined: Jan 24, 2007 Posts: 138

Every Saturday we made our rounds to several flea markets and antique malls. I don't recall ever going to the pool or playground or the movies or anything like that with my parents. We never went to Disneyland or Six Flags or to play putt-putt golf or ride go-karts or anything like that. Also, none of us played sports. My mother criticized people whose kids were in sports, saying that they spent all their time going to practices and games and had time for little else. So, it just wasn't an option. I believe I would have been good at basketball but was never encouraged.

That's another thing. I know it's totally unrelated, but it was like we weren't really encouraged to do anything other than go to school and make good grades. I received no guidance when it came to preparing for college or my future in general. I sort of stumbled into my life. I look back now and wish that I could have tried new things. Instead I've always been cautious. I'm trying to change that now--I've been told that it is better late than never!

Scar

Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 11:45 am Post subject:

My mother was raising 4 kids with the help of my grandmother so money was always tight. Thrift shops were a necessity in our household.
I do remember going on a rare family vacation to Wildwood New Jersey for a week when i was around 14.
My mother packed so much stuff for the week , the car would bounce and back on the road, we had to sit on the trunk to get it closed. It took half the day to unload the car when we got there. At the end of the week it was our job to load tha car back up, my mother had gone out to lunch with my grandmother, so we opened the trunk of the car and dropped the stuff off the third floor balacony into the trunk. I still laugh about that with my younger brother.
I actually like thrift shops because of the charity aspect and have gotten some rare expensive pieces in some, but if you can not recognize trash from worthwhile stuff ( like my Mom now) its a whole other story.

Active Member Joined: Jan 24, 2007 Posts: 138

When my parents started out they were like many young couples and had little money. My mom was a stay-at-home mom so she learned lots of ways to save. She clipped coupons and we shopped at Goodwill, Dollar General, and thrift stores. I think the problem escalated when I was about 6 or so. Money wasn't quite so tight, but mama was so accustomed to being broke that she felt like she had to save everything and she did. And she recycled (or I guess I should say "saved with the intent of eventually recycling) everything that could possibly be recycled. I think one thing that became a problem, though, was that while she could get rid of some things, like glass jars and paper, others, like butter bowls, plastic bags, magazines, and clothes would just pile up.

I often wonder why we never did any of the "family" things that most families did. The only thing I can think of is that a few times we went to the lake and had picnics. There was an old-fashioned clapboard store (like the one on the Waltons) and my dad would stop there and buy us Yoohoos. As far as vacations, amusement parks, stuff like that, the only vacations we took were to see my granparents. They lived in a little tiny town so there wasn't much to do there, although I fondly remember grandma's cookies and fudge!

I go to flea markets and antique malls every now and then and if I see something that I truly believe will enhance my home or that I will use, I buy it. I do have a weakness for books, so I am constantly gathering ones I've read and taking them to the used bookstore to trade.

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 440

One thing my daughter is really tired of hearing is when I tell her, "Mom never did this with me". We might be going to a restaurant, shopping for her new clothes, or getting our hair done, but these memories never happened for me with my own mother. If we wanted to do kid activities, my dad and grandmother were our allies thank goodness, and we did lots of camping.

My oldest sis who is really similar to my mom used to give me a ride home from school since she taught there. Getting a ride vs. walking several miles meant sitting in the car for hours while she visited friends and ran errands. She had TOTAL disregard for how miserable I was, which is a characteristic of how miserable hoarders make family members also. She could have easily dropped me off and then done other things, but it never occurred to her.

Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 2:46 pm Post subject:

scarred4life wrote:

That's another thing. I know it's totally unrelated, but it was like we weren't really encouraged to do anything other than go to school and make good grades. I received no guidance when it came to preparing for college or my future in general. I sort of stumbled into my life. I look back now and wish that I could have tried new things. Instead I've always been cautious. I'm trying to change that now--I've been told that it is better late than never!

Scar

Good for you, Scar. What kinds of new things are you thinking of trying?

I feel exactly the same as you- sort of stumbled into my life. Still am. There was no guidance in my life either, nor for my younger siblings- the youngest brother especially. There were a few half-hearted attempts to bribe a decent grade out of us, but there was no consistency or follow-thru. I wish I had been encouraged to stick with the things I did find the courage to try, but no one took much interest. I could have been president I tell ya! *sigh* funny, rofl

I've learn to play my roles well however, and as an adult my mother loves to brag me up to her friends. If she and they only knew how fake and hollow I feel inside. The only time I feel whole and content is when I'm sailing (it's been over 18 year now) or backpacking, or with animals or kids. The "grown up" stuff I just fake until I get through it.

I should clarify, the above is how I feel when I let myself wallow a bit. Normally, or lately rather, I try to maintain a much more positive attitude about it. I am coming into my own and learning about who I am and what's important to my life, but it's really hard to break the cycle and I am still repeating behaviors I know need to stop... but I AM making progress.

Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 2:51 pm Post subject:

VJ wrote:

My oldest sis who is really similar to my mom used to give me a ride home from school since she taught there. Getting a ride vs. walking several miles meant sitting in the car for hours while she visited friends and ran errands. She had TOTAL disregard for how miserable I was, which is a characteristic of how miserable hoarders make family members also. She could have easily dropped me off and then done other things, but it never occurred to her.

VJ, I guess your sister escaped getting the hypersensitivity bug the rest of us got simply because she's so much like your mother. How did that work having the two of them under the same roof? Did you feel like you were on an alien planet? Did your mother befriend your sister and initiate her into her world or did your sister assymilate on her own as perhaps her own way of coping?

Hope that makes sense!

Active Member Joined: Jan 24, 2007 Posts: 138

Hi Lisa,
As I've gotten older I have slowly built up my confidence. I went back to school when I was 30 and got my degree in computer information systems. I took Wado Karate. Before I met my SO, I went to my 20-year class reunion and began talking to a guy I had known in high school who was very handsome, successful, smart, funny, etc., and ended up flying out West several times (at his expense). That was definitely something the "old" me never would have done.

Looking back, I did have a lot of friends in high-school and was involved in activities like the Thespians, but I didn't feel worthy of being "popular." Getting together with that old "friend" was really good for me. Before I would have felt like he was out of my league. It gave me the confidence to talk to my SO (whom I met in a class and have been with for almost 3 years now). I'm wanting to take some classes, maybe art or writing. I am also considering some sort of dance class (like, believe it or not, hip hop or belly dancing). smiling

Scar

Active Member Joined: Apr 29, 2008 Posts: 440

Being the first born they were very close and had shared interests. She thinks mom was great. She admits that her childhood memories are different than mine, as she is 14 yrs older and mom's disorder got much worse over time. She doesn't show any anxiety symptoms, but clearly cannot throw out a newspaper before clipping out all the articles.

My older two sisters hoard and I have often wondered the same thing. Do they identify with the stronger parent and become "clones", or is it a genetic personality disorder? My other sister, 5 yrs older doesn't hoard, but she is also very forgiving of my mom. I did not forgive mom, but I tried to be compassionate, if that makes sense. So yeah, I had the "from another planet" syndrome!

Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 2:43 pm Post subject:

Thanks for the replies Scar and VJ,

Scar, bellydancing is fun but it's really hard! The muscles in the waste (or in my waste anyway) fatigue really fast from that foreign movement. It would have been great exercise had I stuck with it. My older sister was actually in a bellydance performance at the local college. But then, she's pretty awesome...

Writing and art are great forms of expression. I hope you do it!

Active Member Joined: Jan 24, 2007 Posts: 138

I enjoy hula-hooping and bought one of those weighted ones like they have at Curves, so maybe my tummy muscles won't protest TOO MUCH, haha!

It is so amusing--my SO's 5-year-old son will say, "Scar, go get the hula hoop and let's go outside." Then he proceeds to sit at the picnic table and watch me hula hoop! He just thinks its amazing that I can do that. Then he will try and of course it is way too big for him. Then he ends up saying, "Scar, can we kick the soccer ball now?" So adorable!!!!

Have a great weekend,

Scar smiling