A rock and a hard place

Valued Member Joined: Sep 21, 2008 Posts: 7

Caught between a rock and a hard place. The situatuion is so extreme and dangerous for my elderly parents. My mom is the hoarder and they now live in a small trailer that is also hoarded to the point of just room enough for them to sleep in a small area. They no longer have running water. She says they want to move back into the main house but I do not see how this could ever happen.

She has been terrified of the thought of leaving and will not let me help clean or move anything. I have established trust with her but that means doing nothing. I live far from them and feel so helpless and I am limited financially which makes visiting very difficult. I know that if I did force an intervention all trust would be gone and she would feel totally betrayed. I also feel like I am betraying her by letting them continue this way and also my father who is a victim of this although his wishes are to stay with her.

I am starting to have so much anxiety about this that I have insomnia and near panic attacks myself. I do not know what to do and do not have the resources anyway. It is continous worry and torture.

Active Member Joined: Nov 26, 2007 Posts: 111

In my mind, there are two choices here:

- Report them to the authorities for self-neglect.

- Accept that they are adults, that they have chosen to harm themselves, and that they have the legal right to make that choice.

I think that either is a perfectly acceptable choice.

I know that both choices are horrible. However, both of them reflect the fact that _you can't fix this_. You simply cannot. Even with more money and more time, even if you destroyed yourself, you couldn't fix them. So don't destroy yourself.

Their living state is not your responsibility or your fault. You didn't cause it. You never had the power to prevent it. And you can't fix it now.

I understand that it's horrible because they're your parents. But you can't fix their situation, any more than you can end world hunger. It is not within your power.

I know that saying this won't fix the grief and the horror at seeing them this way. But I'm trying to tell you to let go of any guilt, any sense of responsibility, any feeling that you should be magically fixing this situation. Because you simply can't. I think that this is a situation for acceptance and grieving, not for action.

My brother has had to accept something similar in the case of my father, because my father is determined to risk his fragile health with inadequate unprofesional care, and determined to bankrupt himself paying for that care. But my father is _determined_ to follow this course, and no action on me or my brother's part will ever change his mind.

So my brother now has a therapist, and is taking a mild anti-anxiety medication, and is going through the slow process of accepting that he is helpless, guiltless, and without responsibility in this situation. My father's situation is no better than it was, but my brother is no longer on the path toward losing his own sanity.

Crayfish

Valued Member Joined: Sep 21, 2008 Posts: 7

thanks Crayfish. I am doing much better now. I have chosen to do what I can and remind myself that i am not all powerful nor should be to change it.

Hoarding is such a cruel illness for those who have it and loved ones. I don't think the hoarder is really in charge of their decisions to a large degree because the illness takes over. Kinda reminds me of the movie "Body snatchers". Sometimes I feel there is a "pod" waiting for me too. I really appreciate your reminder of self preservation. I have in the past almost went over the edge many times.

So encouraged to hear that your Brother is doing better. It is a process and I visit the cycles of such many times. The one thing I am at peace with is a loving connection with my parents. I have went through many years of anger to get here and that was appropriate and nessesary, not saying I still will not get angry but I have a lot more understanding of the disease now. My mantra is very often the serenity prayer. When my elderly parents do pass I want to feel that at least they know I loved them unconditionally & thats for me as much as it is for them.