Elizabeth (HDR=mom/3 sibs./did intrvntn 4/06)

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2031 Location: Cabo

Posted for member, Elizabeth/biffernelson :

Here is my story:

I have three older siblings, I am the 'baby'. In my family, I play the role of 'troublemaker' and I have ALWAYS made a much bigger fuss about the hoarding than anyone else. Outside of the hoarding, my relationship with Mom was always much worse, because I was more rebellious and less willing to go along with her control issues. We were in an awful cycle during my childhood where I would disappoint my mother, she would say absolutely vicious and hurtful things to make me understand how 'wrong' I was, which made me even more resentful of her control and MORE frustrated by her expectations, then she would become more vicious, etc. etc. My worst crime was getting a D grade in U.S. History, but when I look back on it, I wonder why I wasn't out getting pregnant and doing drugs. It was *bad*, she was MEAN and I experienced something different in my childhood, different from my older siblings.

Flash forward to our adult lives, and I have been screaming and complaining to my siblings for the past TEN YEARS that we need to deal with Mom and Dad's house. My initial motive was probably anger, a wish for 'revenge', though I had it rationalized well enough that I was simply being 'rational'. Five years ago, my dad started having health problems, serious mobility issues that defined the house as a very real hazard to him. The house was spinning out of control just as my dad was struggling more and more.

I was living abroad when my parents planned a trip to visit my mother's family-- a few weeks ahead of the trip,my mother demanded a last minute change to her flight, so that she could stay on an extra week and my dad would fly home alone, to manage in the house on his OWN, for a week. I heard about that and I immediately got my own ticket to make the eight hour flight home, surprise Dad at the airport, and spend the week helping him while Mom was gone. That trip was SHOCKING. Mom didn't know I was coming, but she DID know that Dad would be forced to manage in that house by himself. I saw the house in an appalling state and I spent that whole week hauling out newspapers and trash, fuming at the cruelty of my mother, thinking he would have been able to live that way without help. Mom came home to the newly tidied house (or,rather ONE room of it) described her feelings as similar to 'being raped'. It went down in history as Proof that Elizabeth is, if not quite the anti-Christ, very close to it.

But that's not the REAL 'intervention'... not by a long shot!

Last november, I discovered hoarding as a disorder. I must have sent my siblings fifty internet links that first week I discovered that Mom's problem had a NAME! What a relief. The news totally transformed my brother's attitude-- once he could give our family problem a NAME, he was as eager as me to figure out a solution and tackle it. My other brother (who hoards himself) had a lot of trouble agreeing to any real ACTION, he was eager enough to say, "Well, there isn't a cure so that's a shame." My sister was supportive, so it was three against one. I spent the next few months finding out all the information I could and piecing together my OWN intervention plan...

Here was my plan (in a nutshell):

When my parents were away on a week-long visit to see our sister, my brothers and I would clean out the main common area of the house. Just the one floor, leaving the upstairs and basement as 'free hoarding' space for my mother. The goal: set new boundaries, contain the hoard, even if we couldn't stop the HOARDING, if it had to continue, at least it must stay OUT of my father's way. In terms of 'maintenance' and 'after-care', I contacted a home health aide agencies (specializing in the elderly) that do light housekeeping, and I found a counselor for Mom (a 'Christian' counselor, to satisfy Mom's religious fixation) who, while not an expert exactly, at least had EXPERIENCE with hoarding generally.

While they were away, my sister showed Mom videos of news stories about hoarding, to see how she would react. She paid close attention but was unable to 'connect the dots', didn't recognize a bit of herself in them.
During our cleanup, my reluctant hoarding brother barely lifted a finger, but it was difficult for him to be completely unsupportive while Good Brother and I were killing ourselves for that week.

When Mom came home, she was given the impression that we ALL worked together on it, which was true of course, but not all of us worked as 'hard'... Seeing all three of us sitting there in the newly cleaned house shocked my mother-- she is used to blaming ME for everything under the sun, but she didn't know how to react to seeing my brothers were a part of it, too. The fact that my brothers were involved made her want to be grateful, instead of angry.

We talked to her that very first night she got home,when she was still in shock and hadn't had time to really think through what we had done and notice all that we had thrown away. She was embarrassed and made a lot of excuses about how she really WAS on the verge of 'taking care of' the mess we had cleaned. We got her to admit a lot, just general things about an inability to make decisions and a tendency to get overwhelmed. That conversation went much better than any of us expected it would, though she did make a big deal of how she SHOULD have been there to supervise our work and it should NOT have been done in her absence. We asked her about the hoarding videos she had seen a few days before and she didn't see the similarities (geez). We gave her a copy of the Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding book, which my siblings and I had all signed for her. I told her that I had made her an appointment with a counselor who had experience with people who 'had trouble making decisions about the things in their house' and she agreed to see her (whew).

It was important to talk to her RIGHT AWAY after her arrival home, because twelve hours later, she had compiled her list of 'grievances', all the things she couldn't find, all the things she 'needed' desperately. Those first few hours back, she was in shock, but by the next day she was FURIOUS. On that day (her most furious day) we had a BIG crowd of family over to the house-- the grandkids were running around and playing, we were all socializing in a way that hasn't been possible in thirty years or more... it was just the most wonderful happy family-all-together time, and my mother was walking around in a daze, trying to pick fights with us but not ever getting very far because there was too much POSITIVE energy in the house with all of us enjoying each others' company. It was surreal.

A couple days later, I approached my dad with the brochures for home health aide agencies. None of us were sure how well he would take this suggestion, because they haven't had hired help in the house... ever. He was enthusiastic, picked an agency he liked and while I was there, they had an appointment and Dad signed a contract for service, twice a week for three hours each visit. Mom had trouble with this, but couldn't protest. It would be irrational-- all these years she has been complaining that the house is a mess becasue she has no help. There you go.

I made a photo album for my mother, with before and after pictures of the whole house (the after pictures were only on the few pages of rooms we were able to clean that week) and included lots of inspirational quotes about 'new beginnings' and finding motivation for big tasks, that sort of thing. Mom studied the photos closely because she was looking for things that were missing, looking for excuses to complain. I think it was good for her to look real closely at these photos, because they tell the truth about how bad the house really was (and still IS, in parts).

A couple little details in the plan: Dad was kept 'innocent' (didn't even know we were doing it), because he has to LIVE with her and she would make his life hell if she thought he was to blame. We didn't tell anyone else, either, because we really didn't want to humiliate her unnecessarily. I had an opportunity to point this out to her at one point, and I think she did grasp the concept that we were as compassionate as possible-- I told her that we had contemplated bringing her pastor into the house to see the problem and that made her very quiet. Her church (all the people who have never seen the house and never will) are the only people whose opinions she claims to respect. If her secret was revealed to them, I cannot imagine how she would cope. I think it might have scared her to realize that this almost happened.

It is now one month later and I had an opportunity to see the house. It is being maintained. My father says that in the few days between visits from the cleaning person, Mom trashes parts of the house as much as she possibly can, but then she has to scramble to clean it up again before 'cleaning day.' It is stressful and she complains about it. But the agency in informed about the hoarding problem and knows to phone ME if Mom tries to cancel appointments. Mom tried to cancel during the second week and between my sister and I we made it clear that this tactic was not going to work. Mom now seems to understand that there is a contract for services and cancellations aren't acceptable (of course, with normal clients, the odd cancellation is acceptable, but we can't pretend that Mom is 'normal').

When Mom complains now, I don't waste time arguing with her, I just encourage her to talk to her counselor about it. Who knows how far she will get with the counselor, but any hour scheduled into my mother's week is one less hour she can be out doing compulsive shopping. She has voiced that specific complaint,too: with the six hours she must be home to supervise the cleaner, she doesn't have time to go out and SHOP. Hallelujah.

It all feels like a house of cards ready to tumble but it is still standing for NOW. It's like bailing water out of a leaky boat and as soon as you feel like you're keeping up and have it under control, you just cross your fingers and hope that the leak doesn't get BIGGER.

I know that all the experts advise against this approach of cleaning behind someone's back, but I have to say that we tried to do it as compassionately as possible, anticipating what might happen AFTERWARDS, and for my family, at least, it was NOT a horribly traumatic event. Mom was pissed, sure, and the cleanup was no CURE for anything, but she did not have breakdown and she did not cut us all off. She admitted to my aunt recently, "I don't think Elizabeth is angry with me anymore. She thinks I have an illness." For all I know, her tone of voice indicated the added meaning, "Isn't elizabeth confused and misguided to think that *I* have an illness!" but I'll be grateful for small miracles. Mom UNDERSTANDS that we weren't trying to punish her and we weren't just trying to be mean to her. She seems to understand that we think she is ill. That is progress.

Elizabeth