Having Friends Over

COH & ACOA Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 2049 Location: Cabo

Having friends over:
Did you discourage your friends from coming over or have them over often?
If they came into your home, what was their reaction and how did that effect you?
If you did not have them over, how would you discourage them from coming? (Experiences, thoughts, feelings)

Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 6:16 pm Post subject:

We never had any friends come over. That's the sad truth. Our excuses were always: We have a big dog..she bites, construction, we have to go to grandma's house etc... I feel like with my parents' hoarding..it has lowered my self esteem and self confidence. I am ashamed of my parents mess. I don't know when this mess will ever be resolved. =(

Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 7:38 am Post subject:

In my younger child days I had neighborhood friends over. But two lots of them ended up not being allowed to come over anymore after a while, as they must have talked to their parents about the state of the house, and they told me their parents had said our house was too dirty and they couldn't come over. I was still allowed to go to their houses though.

I recall a very embarassing incident though, when I was about 8. I was changing for our ballet lesson at my friend's house, and accidentally left my normal underwear (I had special underwear for under my leotard) in their bathroom on the floor. the mother came out with them very angry, carrying on about how dare I treat her home like the pigsty I lived in and leave my filthy underpants on her floor! I was mortified. It was totally by accident, and most embarassing. I never got changed there again.

I never had any other friends over than neighborhood ones, and once we were a bit older, we pretty well didn't have any friends over at all. In fact, I had very few friends at all, and none really in the last few years of school.

COH Under 18 yrs. Joined: Feb 15, 2008 Posts: 98

I wasn't ever and am still never allowed to have friends over and was sometimes not allowed to go over to someone's house because mom "didn't know them" but a few times she said that then it'd be polite for us to invite them over to our house and that wouldn't happen so I think that was the reason most times. Sometimes it felt like she was trying to discourage me from having friends. One time some kids were going to play soccor in the field behind my house and I didn't see them for a while but then past my "bounderies" (basically as far as she could step outside the house and be able to see me and minus a bit.) So there were some kids on the other side of the soccor field farther than she wanted me to go and I was a brainwashed little kid who wouldn't go an extra 10 yards past where mommy told me I could go so I asked if I could go see if it was them over there (taking ime by going all the way back through the gate and into the house) and she said no so I went out and waited (as usual) at the edge of my bounderies in the soccor field for probably an hour wishing I could just go play with those kids who may or may not have been the ones to invite me to their soccor game. Finally I ran inside and begged her to let me ggo over there jsut to check and it was them but they only played for five more minutes and all left on their bikes somewhere that probably I should have been able to go but was definitily far far past my boundaries. That situation happened all the time. i never really had any friends or did anything with anyone outside of school and activities until I was in middle school. In preschool I wouldn't want to go home but she'd take me home in the middle of the day. It never felt right like 1984. Now i'm roaming around areas I'm told not to go past (still pretty stupid because these areas I'm allowed to go now should have been my elementary and middle school boundaries if any specific invisible walls at all. And I'm jsut that weird kid wandering around.

I'm trying to figure out activities normal kids my age do that aren't illegal, lame to someone who can't always find joy where one should (probably because of depression or possible other mental disorder), too friendly for semi-friends, or costing of money. That takes a whole lot of activities away. Then when someone is doing something and I call them up and say, "We should do something!" And they go, "I'm already doing something with all these guys." And then it's pretty much me wanting to ask if I can come and do stuff with my friend, semi-friend, and or random people but not because I don't want to impose on them if they really don't want me there. Always have this feeling that I'm like this one annoying kid I know who people are only nice to because they don't want to hurt his feelings and everyone else is out having fun while I'm not. But I'm probably not after doing the whole think-tank-scale on it. Don't get me wrong I have good friends and do stuff all the time, but it never feels like enough.But it feels like I've been impeded somehow. I think I oculd have asperger's or something but that's just my paranoid idea of the month.

Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:27 pm Post subject:

Thatguy wrote:

Always have this feeling that I'm like this one annoying kid I know who people are only nice to because they don't want to hurt his feelings and everyone else is out having fun while I'm not. But I'm probably not after doing the whole think-tank-scale on it. Don't get me wrong I have good friends and do stuff all the time, but it never feels like enough.But it feels like I've been impeded somehow. I think I oculd have asperger's or something but that's just my paranoid idea of the month.

I really feel for you Thatguy. Given your upbringing it's really hard to know whether you might, in fact, have asperger's, but with the information you've provided I think I'm leaning towards nurture rather than nature. Being stifled socially and overprotected seems to bring out the same sort of behaviors as described here about asperger's:

Individuals with AS can exhibit a variety of characteristics and the disorder can range from mild to severe. Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness. They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a particular subject of interest. They have a great deal of difficulty reading nonverbal cues (body language) and very often the individual with AS has difficulty determining proper body space. Often overly sensitive to sounds, tastes, smells, and sights, the person with AS may prefer soft clothing, certain foods, and be bothered by sounds or lights no one else seems to hear or see. It's important to remember that the person with AS perceives the world very differently. Therefore, many behaviors that seem odd or unusual are due to those neurological differences and not the result of intentional rudeness or bad behavior, and most certainly not the result of "improper parenting".

By definition, those with AS have a normal IQ and many individuals (although not all), exhibit exceptional skill or talent in a specific area. Because of their high degree of functionality and their naivetÃ©, those with AS are often viewed as eccentric or odd and can easily become victims of teasing and bullying. While language development seems, on the surface, normal, individuals with AS often have deficits in pragmatics and prosody. Vocabularies may be extraordinarily rich and some children sound like "little professors." However, persons with AS can be extremely literal and have difficulty using language in a social context.

If you imagine who you might be if you grew up in a different home would the above description fit you, do you think? Does it fit you now? Maybe this is something you could bring up with your counselor. Maybe you could get tested for it or something?

But, on the other hand- fitting in with kids is not easy for some people. We all have an age range that suits us best, I'm told, and for some of us, childhood and adolescents is just something we try to get through to reach adulthood. Conversely, others will always mourn the passing of their youth.

In my case, I was the "odd duck". So shy I couldn't walk into a classroom late. Literally couldn't walk in as my legs would become paralyzed. Everyone in school thought I was stuck up because I didn't socialize, and they made sure I knew it. When I did finally make a good friend, she was "odd" too. We had the best times together! Screw the rest of them! Be Yourself!!! And I think I'm pretty darn okay now too! Sigh, what should I do?

COH Under 18 yrs. Joined: Sep 10, 2007 Posts: 2

I am 16 years old, and no-one has visited (with the exception of one unfortunate incident three years previously, but more about that later) for getting on for 7 years.
My mother always makes empty promises like: "in the summer you can have all your friends round for a barbecque, out in the garden, it'll be great".
They never happen.
Any mess, is always my fault.
If there is a knock at the door, my heart pounds, my palms sweat, I panic.
We have to open it a crack, and peer out, blocking the squalor behind with our bodies.
I have known no different.

However, three years ago, my friend was having a birthday party, and as she only lives 2 streets away, I was planning on quickly running over later.
However, then I got a call. It was a friend, she had caught the wrong bus, and was early, and was standing outside the garage in the rain, and could I let her in, just for a half hour, until it was time, as she knew I lived nearby.
I panicked. I couldn't leave her there, I wanted to cry.
I rang my mum. She said that I should go to meet her, then "forget my keys" and then we'd have to go to the party early anyway.
So I went to get her, thinking I'd got away with it.

We came back, and as I went to do my "I forgot the keys" routine, I realised something terrible.
I hadn't closed the door.
It was wide open.
My story was useless.
I freaked, anyone could have seen in.

I had to let her in, though she acted like it didn't phase her, I know it did.
We haven't talked about it to this day.
I've tried mentioning it to others, but no-one understands.
They have no idea of the problem.

I've never had a birthday party, sleepover, or even a guest.
I've become distant, trying to hide things from people.
I've had it with the lies.

Fuck this.

Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject:

Thatgirl,
I am SO sorry that you have to live this way. It's horrible.

What would happen if you called social services? Do you have a relative who you could live with while social services gets your mom straightened out? Is your dad at home? Can he help you in any way? You shouldn't have to live this way just because your mother chooses to live like this. It's not right.

(((Big hugs)))) And much support.