Background Stories on some of our members
More/Brief Info. on some of our members. Add yours.
Birthdays & COH Holidays to Recognize!
Anybody want to keep track of these and post HB messages to the group?
Why not recommend a COH Holiday or tell us your birthday !
January
13 Justine,
22 Donna
February
8 February, 2006-COH's BIRTHDAY!
MESSAGE #1 IN THE CHILDREN OF HOARDERS GROUP-
I am hoping this new group will be a forum for the children of hoarders to connect with each other, share experiences/advice and understanding on growing up in a hoarders home. Also see www.childrenofhoarders.com -Donna
March
Day of Remembrance and To Honor Tracy's Mom
March 26, 2006
On this anniversary date of Tracy & Steven's mother Lorraine passing, we would like to honor Lorraine and have this day 3/26, be the day every year we pause to remember all the Hoarders who were not able to get help to be free of the hold hoarding had on their lives. Going forward, we hope that countless
others will find the vision and courage to receive help to manage this disorder and have freedom from it.
April
-
May
15: COH Holiday: Spouses of COH Appreciation Day! For all that put up with for us!
June
13 Robert ("the dumpster" nicknamed),
20: COH Holiday: Only Children of Hoarders Day! A day to honor them!
July
09 Melissa W.,
15 Elizabeth,
15 Jeanne
August
23 Snipe (22 yrs.in 2008!)
September
-
October
15th: "Now It Belongs To You Day", in honor of Carol/musicalstrings. This is to celebrate Carol finally getting her father's piano and realizing it was now hers to do with as she pleased.
November
04 Nomorejunque,
19 Lisa (scorpio19th)
December
08 ER (aka Elizabeth R./cmiryl),
08 catfluff,
19 DanieJean,
24 Ruth H.
Changing Message Delivery Options
Too much group clutter? Want it to stop?
If you get the posts individually to your inbox, you can switch to getting them grouped all at once in a "Daily Digest" or not even get them at all. By selecting "No Mail" you won't get messages, but will remain a member of the group to read them when you feel like it. At the bottom of each message post you receive, you will find links to "Changing Message Delivery options". If you want to change your delivery options from the group site, go to "Edit Profile" at the top of the page, once there.
Chat Room To Talk in "Real Time" With Other Members
Click on "Enter Live Chat" on upper-left side of this page.
For COH (& all family members of hoarders.) Open 24/7. Have an idea for a topic-based chat or want to lead one? Please let us know! Feel like talking in real time with our group members sometime? Send in a post to the Yahoo Group that you are in the chat room on the website and would like company.
Confidentiality Agreement
No personal posts or materials posted are to be printed, forwarded, copied or in any way removed from this board or website forums without the expressed consent of the author. Continued membership in the Yahoo Group/website forums implies you agree to this policy. The copyright to COH stories and experiences submitted to our board(s) are retained by their authors (i.e. individual posters); all rights are reserved. The authors maintain proprietary right to all stories and experiences unless and until it is waived. If you intend to use or distribute any of the COH stories or experiences for a commercial purpose, you must contact the individual authors for written permission to do so. -11/2007
Group Posting Guidelines
The focus of our group is on children of hoarders and the challenges they face as a result of that status. Off-topic or abusive posts are discouraged, and members who persistently post disruptive,abusive, off-topic posts will be asked to leave the group at the discretion of the moderators.
Certain topics are viewed as particularly problematic, including politics and some types of religious discussion. Individuals wishing to share ideas on such topics are asked to do so off-board privately. Recognizing that religious perspectives sometimes play an important role in the COH experience, please see the section below entitled *Religious Posts* for guidelines to help to decide whether specific religious content will be considered "on-topic" for our boards, and therefore acceptable for general posting.
In general, however, we ask that members assume that good intentions motivate the postings of other members, and that they are civil to each other when controversy or misunderstanding arises. When a member feels that someone is ignoring the posting guidelines or is being inappropriate or disruptive, they are encouraged to attempt to resolve the issue privately and directly with the other member or to seek the private assistance of a moderator BEFORE submitting complaints to the entire group.
*RELIGIOUS POSTS*
The Children of Hoarders Website Forums & Main Yahoo Group are tolerant of all religious perspectives- both in terms of belief and non-belief. We are a diverse and large group, and as such, we remind everyone to keep in mind the many different perspectives that exist here. The nature of recovery from difficult experiences (like ours) often leads people to a faith in something more powerful. We respect that choice. Sometimes, it has the opposite effect-and we respect that too. We appreciate anything and everything that brings comfort and inspiration to a COH, but in the context of our support boards, we ask that everyone respect the beliefs (or non-beliefs) of others and keep religious commentary to a minimum. It is generally acceptable to post as follows:
-Describing the role religion played in your relationship with your hoarding parent;
-Describing the role religion played in hoarding behavior;
-Telling someone "you will pray for them" and requesting others to pray for you;
-Saying "God Bless you," "Thanks be to God/Higher Power," or "Blessings;"
-Describing how your ‘Higher Power,’ faith, prayer, or other spiritual practice(s) gave/gives you strength to get through a difficult situation.
Out of consideration for the feelings of others and in keeping with the focus of our particular discussion board(s), we ask that posters refrain from posting: passages/quotes from any particular religious/spiritual text (e.g., the Bible, Koran, Buddhist texts, and others) or anything else that represents a particular belief system with which others may not identify. Any debates about religion or belief systems, we ask, respectfully, to be done off our discussion boards.
Other Considerations for the group in general:
-At COH, we understand that we all have things that we feel very strongly about, as well as our own "hot buttons."
Please avoid flaming (personal abusive attacks intended to incite, degrade, make fun of another person or their ideas with no positive outcome).
Please respect other people's right to have to their own opinion just as you have your opinion. The group moderators should be contacted if you cannot resolve the issue privately with another member.
We respectfully repeat, disagreements between members should *not* be posted for board discussion. -Because emotions, inflections, humorous intents and lightheartedness are difficult to convey through posts, we suggest the following when reading and posting: "Assume Good Faith" & "Remain Civil".
*DISCLAIMER* The moderators of these discussion groups are not a doctors, therapists or counselors. Children of Hoarders the organization cannot be held liable for any breach of confidence by its Yahoo Group or Website Forum members. The information here is not intended, and should not be used to replace the care or diagnosis of a medical professional or therapist. While we try to make this group as safe as possible for members to share amongst other COH & their spouses only, we cannot guarantee that some members are not who this group was intended for, and gave false information to join.
>F.A.Q.'s About Group & Group Beginnings
The Children of Hoarders (COH) Yahoo Support Group was created 2/8/06 along with the COH website, because resources and support for the unique issues of CHILDREN of Hoarders could not be found. Donna, who created the site/started group is not a therapist or a counselor, but hoarding runs in her family; mother/aunt/brother/maternal grandparents.
This group is a support group for those who grew up in a hoarding environment and/or currently has a parent or in-law that hoards. We are seeking answers to all the questions and challenges we face. We don’t have them all yet. We are finding even the professionals don’t have many of the answers we seek. Often here, we are carving new pathways in trying to help our parents, no pun intended. We want to vent AND heal from growing up in/otherwise dealing with, a hoarding environment and the situations we face today.
Elizabeth, whose mother is a Compulsive Hoarder, joined the COH Group in April 2006. Elizabeth and Donna (among so many others) discovered they share the same passion for seeing that there is more public awareness about hoarding. Together, Elizabeth and Donna formed a non-profit agency for Children of Hoarders to try and accomplish the goal of increasing awareness and resources available, not just for hoarders, but for the family of hoarders too. Everyone here contributes to this effort with their input. Elizabeth makes presentations in the community about Hoarding and the effect on family. Watch for her DVD one of these days!
Our first year newsletters. (request copies here)
File Section
From the group home page you will find a menu on the left-side of the page with a link to our file section. Slowly I am transferring all that information to this page you are reading right now. In the meantime, you can peruse that section for information collected from the group since 2/06.
How You Can Help Our Group
By supporting other members that post and making sure they feel HEARD. Maybe follow-up with them later so they know they are remembered and are valuable.
Posts on recovering from growing up in dysfucntional families, healing...are needed!
Start a weekly repeating topic with a positive message on focusing on ourselves
Send out a COHUGET warning to remind our members about not to carry unhealthy guilt.
Look up resources for someone searching.
And as always, making sure new members feel welcome.
This is YOUR GROUP and your help in in making it the best place possible for COH to receive support is welcome!
Humor, About use of it in our group
When you can't cry anymore, many of us choose to laugh, as our coping mechanism. However, some of the humor used in this group might not be funny to everyone, especially those with hoarding tendencies. We understand that this group is not going to be a good fit for everyone, and we leave that up to each member to decide for themself. While we hope it won't offend, the use of humor will always be welcome, in whatever form, in this particular group.
Post from a member:
"Honestly, I think this might be the most important dynamic of the COH group, in reassuring us that YES! Your view is NOT crazy, this IS unhealthy and the hoarder's avoidance/blame is just a coping mechanism or aspect of the illness because it is NOT just the hoarder's reaction to YOU and all the other family members who 'don't understand.'
Truly, I have been able to let go of so much anger and frustration knowing that this IS a disorder and that others experience it in the same way.What has been healthy for me in the short time I have been here is to finally laugh about some of things my mom does. Some of it is sooooo crazy and I never had anyone to share it with. Let alone anyone who identified with what I talking about.
Now I can look at some of this and say yes it is crazy & even find some humor in the craziness!For example, shortly after I joined I asked about if anyone else had a parent who used a little notebook to keep track of who knows what. I received several humorous replies from others who knew exactly what I was talking about. It is good to finally laugh about some of this. So much of what we deal with is serious & can be just down right depressing, but the interjections of humor help to keep things in perspective, at least for me!"-Cindy
GO TO HUMOR SECTION
If you have hoarding tendencies or hoard
If you are a COH that hoards or has tendencies, we don't know if this is the right group for you, but you will be the best judge of that! This particular group does not focus on the recovery steps from hoarding, but more on the effects it has on family members and how we can help our loved ones suffering from it. Here is some information that will hopefully be of help to you though!:
Some sections from Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding book & exercises.
Some Self-Help Tools for you:
Tools for self-help, main page on COH site
(Tools page on HelpingHoarders.com)
Cost-Benefit Analysis for Compulsive Hoarders
Dysfunctional Thought Record
Inspirational Quotes
Online Support Groups
Questions to ask yourself while decluttering
Rating Your Anxiety Level (SUDS)
Photo Albums, adding photos
From the group home page you will find a menu on the left-side of the page with a link to our Photo Album section where members have uploaded their photos. You can create your own album too if you'd like. Here's how...
1. Go to the group home page
2. In the menu on the left, click PHOTOS
3. In the upper right-hand corner of that page you will see "Create Photo Album".
4. You will be asked to name your album & for a description.
5. Click "Personal Album" so only you can add photos to your album.
6. Then...upload the photos one by one from where you have them saved on your computer. Add a description too if you'd like.
There is also an album for "COH Having Fun" and we hope you'll have something to add to that group album too sometime!
Poll Section
From the group home page you will find a menu on the left-side of the page with a link to our poll section. Once in a great while there will be the need for a poll to be conducted. Most of these polls, however, are from the very beginning of the group's existence,when we were just discovering other COH for the first time! Feel free to continue to vote in any you want. Members can also create their own poll for the group by clicking "create poll." Feel free to!
Reaching Out To A Person That Hoards:
How To Talk About It-Ideas on things to show your hoarding loved one
Advice from family members
Send in your advice
Searching Message Archives by topic, member name & post #
On the home page to the group, above where the messages start to be listed, you will find a SEARCH BOX on the upper-right. Enter your search term in that box and click "search."
You can also enter a member name or email address in that box to locate posts written by a specific member. (You can also click on the "Advanced Search" option link to narrow down your searches by date period, etc.)
To search by a MESSAGE #, while at the group home page, above the messages at the upper-left, you will find a link for "View All." Click on that and a page will appear that will provide you with two search boxes. One to enter in a message # to search for, or a search term. Enter the message # you are looking for in the box on the left and click "GO."
Note: While viewing the messages from the group site, you will find there are various options to view messages-"Expand" (where you will see all of the message), "Simplified" (where you will only see a part), group by topic (where only one message about that subject/in that thread will be showing, and "list individually."
You can delete your own messages but not another member's. Click the checkbox to the left or your message while in "View All Messages" mode and then select the "delete" button at the top or bottom of the page.
"Trimming" Messages & posting hints
Please try to:
-Trim messages (only include what you are replying to in response, since most of us will have read original message already. When this isn't done, it make the Daily Digest of messages very long and boring to read and can turn members off from reading it. More info. on how to do that can be found at this helpful site.) The most important thing is YOU POST-if you are having a hard time "trimming", we won't be upset, just please keep it in mind.
-Change subject line to reflect topic if it changes. (helps with future message searches on the topic)
-General list etiquette info., FAQ's about email groups.
Vocabulary/Terms regarding Compulsive Hoarding & Related
A.P.S.
Adult Protective Services
CBT:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Churn/Churning:
The act of moving things around and not getting rid
D.H.S.
Department of Health (DHHS=Dept. Health & Human Services)
E.R.P.
Exposure & Response/Ritual Prevention: A type of
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that is designed to break two types of associations that occur in OCD: The association between objects and situations that cause distress, the association between carrying out ritualistic behavior to decrease distress. A method of therapy for treating Hoarding.The goal is to demonstrate we can have thoughts and experience distress without participating in rituals (rituals are "banned" for full immersion in anxiety)without losing control or "having to shut anxiety down." This is to show rituals are short term anxiety relievers that in fact increase obsessions, and that rituals are not the only way to decrease anxiety.
Exposure
A procedure/therapy technique in which you are purposely confronted with objects or situations that promote distress and stay in those situations without performing rituals ("banned")long enough for anxiety to decrease by itself.
Habituation
The process of learning to tolerate an anxiety-producing situation through exposure.
P.O.A.
Power of Attorney
SUDS Levels
Subjective Units of Distress. "Anxiety temperature." A way of measuring the anxiety levels from 1-10 (re: hoarding; while discarding or at place of acquisition.) More info.
Vocabulary We Made Up and Use
COH: "Children of Hoarders"
"Clean Hoard" is a term we came up with in our COH Group for Hoarding situations that don't have the animal/human waste...or where our parents don't necessarily let the dirty dishes pile up, let the litter boxes overflow, keep their bathrooms as clean as they can, etc. They just have a TON of STUFF."
Dirty Hoard" is what we call the opposite of clean hoard-which sometimes may include their personal hygiene practices as well, unfortunately.
C.O.H.U.G.E.T.
COH Unhealthy Guilt Erradication Team, created by norse:
What is COHUGET?
Post from norse, 8/2006:
Initially I was concerned about some of the guilt that various people in the group were experiencing. It seemed like it wasn't really guilt that they had done anything to deserve, so this post was the result:
Guilt is not necessarily a bad thing. Guilt can be like pain. Pain is nature's way of telling people that whatever they just did is not something that they should repeat. Healthy guilt is a good thing, especially if I am listening to my inner voice. The majority of people have a problem with not feeling guilty often enough, especially in this day and age of "You don't have any right to judge me."
COH on the other hand have a tendancy to have the opposite problem. Because our hoarders frequently blame us for their problems (see above paragraph), we often accept that blame because.... Well, let's face it, we didn't have the tools emotionally to reply back that the problem wasn't that we weren't doing enough around the house. We were dependant on our parents for survival and we didn't really have any other option other than accepting the guilt.
Well, I am writing today on behalf of the COH Unhealthy Guilt Erradication team. I have very good news for everyone here at COH. Today and tomorrow are officially "No Unhealthy Guilt for All COH members" weekend. Now since many of us struggle with knowing whether a specific guilty feeling is healthy or not, I will provide a list of healthy versus unhealthy guilt.
HEALTHY GUILT
-Murder
-Hurting animals intentionally(except for recognized pests)
-Child abuse
-Setting off nuclear weapons
UNHEALTHY GUILT
-Not knowing what to do in regard to our hoarder
-Finding humor in the situation our hoarders have put us in
-Telling our hoarder how they have affected us
-Not telling our hoarder how they have affected us
-Calling the state to report our hoarders
-Not calling the state to report our hoarders
-Cleaning out the hoard without their knowledge or permission
-Not cleaning out the hoard
For the rest of the weekend, you don't have to feel guilty. You have done the best job you knew how to. Venting your feelings here any way that helps you (sarcasm, laughter, ranting, anger, etc..) is a very good thing. There is no better or safer place to do that. We have been beatup, injured, and yes abused by our hoarders. Read that last line again. Your emotions are okay, whatever they are. Enjoy the weekend. Your hoarder and your guilt will be there Monday, unless this is a massive cleanout weekend for you, and you probably won't be reading this anyway.
For those who are doing clean outs this weekend, the next 4 days after the cleanout are your No Unhealthy Guilt days (You deserve the double days). Now, take the guilt off and put it down someplace out of the way. The back of the coat closet, or under the kitchen sink are two suggestions. There doesn't that feel better? Enjoy!!-norse---
Another post following the above:
That seemed to strike a chord with people so I decided it needed an acronym because the full name was too much to type over and over. So COHUGET was launched....... From now until the end of the weekend, the COHUGET (pronounced co- huge-tee) has declared a "No Unhealthy Guilt" warning. This is a warning, not a watch. That means that you need to stash your unhealthy guilt now and leave it stashed until Monday morning. The previous stash sites are acceptable (under the kitchen sink, behind the fridge), but the recommended unhealthy guilt stashing site is under the nearest pile of dog excrement. The nastier the better, that way you will be much less inclined to retrieve it before Monday morning. Notice that I did not say "your dogs....". The ownership of the dog is irreverent. NO WAIT!!!! I am irreverent. The ownership of the dog is irrelevant. We hope you enjoy the weekend free of the burden of the guilt that you should never have been given. It wasn't your fault, it isn't your fault, and it never will be your fault! -norse
P.I.S.S.
Post Intervention Stress Sydrome
Refers to the emotions felt, similar to PTSD, after an intervention or clean-out, whether successful or not.
Created by norse:
Wed Aug 30, 2006
"It seems like the majority of COH have a significant let down after an intervention. It seems like it doesn't matter a whole lot whether the intervention was a complete success, a partial success, or extremely disappointing.My guess is that the pre-intervention period creates huge amounts of hope, and anticipation, the intervention itself involves incredible amounts of stress trying to keep all the balls in the air and deal with the raw nerves, frayed tempers, etc. No matter the outcome there is a huge let down when it is all over.It can take weeks, and sometimes longer to get through. I think it could be a very good resource to have some of the people coming off of interventions sort of keep a diary of sorts here. We could offer our own experiences and see if there is any consistency. It might be helpful for COH that are preparing for their first intervention to know that this is a normal reaction.
-norse
PS: The acronym was an accident, but I love it!!!!!Post-Intervention Stress Syndrome a.k.a. PISS.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"-Disassociation/Emotional Numbing
Wonderful Strangers
What is *your* definition of the "Wonderful Stranger" we talk about?
Quote: My definition, Wonderful Stranger=
A non family member of a Hoarder whose opinions, advice and suggestions are valued above the family. WS's can have very limited contact with the Hoarder, but they way they are described by Hoarder they sound like close, personal, loving friends. WS's are not allowed to see the ugly side of the Hoarding life, only what the Hoarder chooses to present to them and have them believe. WS's can =bank tellers, grocery store clerks, lunch ladies who are never invited in and couldn't tell you Hoarder's favorite color or where Hoarder grew up, school chums from 60 years ago that have never even sent a Cmas card, etc-Donna.
Quote: PaperMonster:
A person, usually of the opposite sex, often works in sales, who flatters or otherwise gives attention in a way that makes the hoarder think the wonderful stranger is the nicest, most decent person in the world. They are considered to have the best advice (that trumps anything that family would say), and they are the only person who really gets the hoarder, according to the hoarder. This is typically all in the hoarders head, and based purely on surface conversation.
They frequently have been known less than a year (if not less than a week). Once they are known better, they cease to be wonderful strangers and frequently there is a rift. Example: My mother decided one year that my brother and I should have the exact same plaid shirt from the Gap, because a nice young man from a house-painting company that made a sales call had the same shirt and he was cute. I did not like the shirt and neither did my brother. Personal banker is another one I can think of that my mother tells all about her personal life. Does not seem to get that this person (and other wonderful strangers) are trying to make money off of her, which is why they listen and smile. In fact, she may be on to this fact, but does not want to admit it to herself.-PaperMonster
Quote: Elizabeth:
The Wonderful Strangers are the ones who know nothing about the hoarder's behavior in his/her own home, know nothing about the physical environment the hoarder has forced on family members, and know nothing about the hoarder's problems in close family relationships. In short, the Wonderful Stranger knows nothing at all, but the hoarder recognizes that this lack of knowledge gives the WS a very special perspective, unbiased and unprejudiced. The WS is like a plane hovering high in the sky, not close enough to see any details, so every house and car on the ground look about the same. The WS is a big comfort to hoarders, who sometimes wish that everyone was so far away and distant that they couldn't see the mess, couldn't see how troubled the hoarder really is. The thoughts and opinions of close family members can never compete with those of a WS... the WS can be trusted much more than the close family members (who are too obsessed with and distracted by the hoarding problem to have any valid ideas)-Elizabeth
Quote: From Gwyneth:
Donna wrote: "WS's are not allowed to see the ugly side of the Hoarding life, only what the Hoarder chooses to present to > them and have them believe. "
I'd change "ugly side of the Hoarding life" to something like 'a balanced view of, or real story behind, the hoarder's life, living conditions or family relationships' because the problem isn't just seeing the hoard itself, it's that the hoarder turns these wonderful strangers into enablers who support the hoarder in his/her misinterpretation of reality. Otherwise, great job!
I'd also put in that the problem may be worst with the ones who get paid--accountants, lawyers, insurance agents--which can create amazingly difficult situations, both because of the confidential nature of that kind of transaction, and the real-world implications of the hoarder getting advice that is either inept or based solely on the distorted reality the hoarder presents.
Quote: From nashbabe:
I agree. "Wonderful Strangers" can be benign, but they can also be predatory. I am tired of the salesperson at the flower shop who obviously has endeared themselves to my MIL so she is spending hundreds on fresh flowers each month because she wants them around. Never mind that she cannot even come close to affording them. I am tired of the insurance agent who has called us twice in the last 24 hours feigning a service mentality when in reality he hasn't been in touch for eons and only now sees an opportunity to get some more of her business. I'm sure she "loves" him. She was crushed when she learned her auto insurance agency had been purchased by another company and the agents were all let go. She couldn't believe the agent never contacted her because "she loves me." Riiiiiiight. And I'm REALLY tired of predatory telemarketers who continue to get my MIL to buy hundreds of bucks of stuff she doesn't need (who the heck needs thirty 7-year lightbulbs for $200-plus in a two room apartment?).
I'm sure the telemarketers put on their best friendly chatty tone with her. What kills me is she won't answer the phone when we call, by and large, but she is obviously taking these telemarketing calls. WSs either don't know and interact with the hoarder, or know and have to hide it in order to make money off of the hoarder. If a WS ever becomes more than just a business relationship, they may get to know what is really going on, confront the hoarder, and get the boot from the hoarder's life. That has happened to my MIL on several occasions.
Quote: From Cassandra:
My mom's Wonderful Strangers are mostly bus drivers, a few baristas, Safeway clerks and book and record store owners--a mostly male captive audience with whom she gets to chat in short installments. Of the ones I've met, they do seem like good, kind, decent people. People who are patient with her monologues and her obsessions with cats and music and too polite to put her off. (One of these people is a friend of my brother's and he said to her "Well, Mom may be crazy, but she hides it pretty well." Response: silence and a shake of the head. "Maybe a little?" "Nope." "Can she hide it at all?" "Nope, she's definitely crazy.")
I would not call any of these people "friends". Yet she gushes about them in way I've never heard her do with her own family. Some of them really are lonely and appreciate the attention Mom gives them. If you have a "theme", such as "cats" or "trains" or "The Beatles", she will buy you things relating to that theme. Yet she cannot fathom what members of her own family might like as gifts (because we are assertive enough to say when we don't like something, which makes us ungrateful). She is prepared to sell her house to one of these people, without checking in with her family, and I suspect he may be taking advantage of her. She has given my phone number to one of these people, whom she had just met, because he said he was looking for a girlfriend. (This is the same mother who was convinced we would be axe-murdered at summer camp or snatched by a stranger with candy off the street.)
So, to sum up: Nice, polite people who haven't yet crossed her mental, emotional or physical boundaries, and who may know she's a little "off" but don't know just how squalid her living conditions are. People who may believe all the negative things she says about her family, and whose advice she trusts without question. Helpful if handsome and male, though there is no romantic fantasy involved. Her family should be prepared to hear the entire life story of various WS's, tales about their children and pets, career highlights, etc. while at the same time the hoarder will not be able to remember the family member's favorite color, names of best friends, college major, etc.
Quote: From Janice:
A Wonderful Stranger is a person who needs help. The hoarder can help him/her and seem like a martyr, spending all her free time on the w.s., not on herself. Little does the w.s. know that he/she is being used as an excuse for the squalor to increase due to neglect. The w.s. will never see the home and and is often disabled or house-bound. It helps if the w.s. has an emotional problem and feels bad about themselves and would never guess that the hoarder has bigger problems.
Quote: From Tawnya:
For my mom, a wonderful stranger is someone who knows her only superficially, but they validate her self-worth. I don't know how many times I heard of the people at the nursing care facility, "They JUST LOVE me here." The opinions of wonderful strangers are more highly valued than those of real authorities, if it is something my mom would prefer to hear. i.e. "The nurse said I don't have to use my walker all the time, as long as I'm careful," when the physical therapist has said *always* use the walker.
Quote: From Tracy:
This is what drove me nuts about my mother. God forbid if some stranger who doesn't even know you says something nice. But nevermind your family all stressed out about the way you live because we love you and want better for you. We are just STRESSING YOU OUT. I felt like saying to my Mom several times GET A GRIP WOMAN, normal people don't live this way and if these people knew how you lived they would lose respect for you. ARG!
W.U.E.D.
"Walls up, Expectations Down",
term created by norse/nash about being careful not to get hopes up
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Humor
