10/12/06

I grew up in a cluttered house that turned into a packrat house that is now a hoarder house. I think we stopped inviting relatives over for visits when I was 7 or 8. The last time my aunt, uncle and cousins visited I remember involved a marathon"cleaning" where everything in the house that couldn't be put away was shoved into MY closet...and this was when the house was still manageable. One of my biggest stressors as a kid was that I was never able to reciprocate for sleepovers. I had other psychological issues that my parents didn't deal with, but as an adult I've worked through them and came out reasonably well adjusted in spite of my upbringing.

I would like to join the group because my Mom took my Dad to task on his hoarding problem after she was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer (not the first time they've had this discussion, of course, but the most important as it is her DYING wish that he clean up the mess). In the 2 months since, he has barely made an effort, and with much difficulty and fear, so I researched everything I could find on hoarding and now I understand why.

I haven't been in my parent's home for probably 15 years.

Posted on: 10-13-2006 @ 07:22 pm

Hi there!
by: infinitehope

I'm Emily, 36, married, no kids and no plans to have any (I see the trend here too), 1 dog, 3 cats, living on the West Coast, remodeling an old farm house in the sticks, working too much but loving it...that's about it in a nutshell!

I'm here because I grew up in a cluttered house in the Midwest. That became a packratted house, garage and yard. That became a hoard
house, garage, and yard, that spread like wildfire to another property my parents own in the country. Where the house is now filled to the brim and boarded up. There are only 4 broken riding mowers and 16 broken push mowers behind the boarded up house though, so I guess it's no big deal - ha!!!!

The hoard is my Dad's. He was born in the Depression in a dirt poor farm community. My sister and I think that his hoarding stems from that, combined with raising 3 daughters and no sons, which led to some emotional/mental shut down and redirect from recycling and conserving into packratting, then hoarding.

I am really here because my Mom, who admits to being an enabler, was
diagnosed with terminal cancer in August. She read my Dad the riot act while recovering from unsuccessful surgery (NOT the first riot act by any stretch of the imagination). He had promised my Mom that when he retired, he would clean up his mess. It's been 10 years since he retired...and zero progress or effort in that time. So basically it is my Mom's dying wish that my Dad clean up the *%^#%&&* piles of useless crap so she can have visitors in HER home during her last days? Weeks? Months? Years? We don't really have a good handle on the prognosis, so time is of the essence.

Anyway, I haven't been in the house in probably 15 years, so I don't know how bad it is. My other sister stopped taking her kids there several years ago because it was unsafe for small children. And she's almost as bad as my Dad, so that's saying something!

When I went home to see my folks after the diagnosis, my sisters and I agreed that Dad must honor Mom's wish. We priced dumpsters and offered to help. Of course this was all funneled through my Mom because heaven forbid we tell Dad directly!

Long story short, and my interpretation entirely, my Dad has been sniveling ever since, and has made a couple weak efforts to clean, but is really in avoiding mode. Mom is making more and more creative excuses to prevent visitors.

In light of this, my oldest sister and I have meticulously arranged a surprise intervention in early November. We are putting my parents up in a hotel while we purge the house and yard before winter hits. Because if we don't do it, it won't happen, and that is unacceptable to me.

I am willing to be the target of the anger, frustration, tears and rage that my Dad is liable to put out there. I know my Mom will, unfortunately, take the brunt of his irrational behavior. That kills me, but we have to do this. I don't see an alternative.

I'll be back with more details. Thank you for being here because it makes this difficult situation a little more manageable.

"getting more nervous"
Posted on: 10-16-2006 @ 07:54 pm

When my Mom was first feeling sick, but before she was diagnosed, I was having a lot of work-related stress. As soon as I learned Mom had to get a biopsy, I started crying and sleeping all the time. I called my doctor and she prescribed Zoloft. I'm on a very low dose, but it has made all the difference in the world. This is the first time I've ever been on meds, and in spite of our initial reservations, my husband and I think I did the right thing. I just don't get stressed on work like I used to, and I'm not crying constantly. All good side effects!

However, with the clean-up looming large on the horizon, I've started sleeping more, grinding my teeth in my sleep again (I've done this on and off my entire life), and having lucid "deal with issues" dreams constantly. I'm afraid I'm going to burn myself out before the intervention, so I'm wondering if I should get my dosage increased now? What to do, what to do?

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lordy - the dreams!
Posted on: 10-18-2006 @ 11:33 pm

It's a darn good thing I'm sleeping so much because the dreams I'm having are exhausting. None have been about cleaning yet, but all of them are clearly part of my processing. I wish I could say that my mind is showing me worst case scenarios so I'll be prepared when it's time to:

- Make the dreaded phone call to Mom to drop the bomb that this is not optional, we are coming to help, we are putting them up in a motel while we clean, and that's that don't even try to argue or make excuses or freak out or whatever because we are doing this out of LOVE and COMPASSION and it hurts like hell but it's better to rip the band-aid off quickly dammit!!!!!!!!!

- Hop on the plane and fly there to actually do the cleanup - thank goodness the love of my life is flying with me. And he's done an intervention on a clean hoarder before (his Mom's ex-husband). Gah!

- Deal with the aftermath when Mom and Dad check out of the motel and
go back home. And see the nice clean house. Without all of Dad's CRAP!!!!! And possibly hate me. Which I am prepared for...but I don't like it. Shoot I need to reschedule my therapist because I'm double- booked that morning when I get back. Oh hell.

The reality is my mind does not know what to expect. I don't know how
bad it is, just how bad it was when I last visited. Which I've painted as not that bad. But I know that's just self-preservation and denial.

Anticipation is an ugly thing.

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change in the weather
Posted on: 10-20-2006 @ 10:17 pm

I think the anticipation, combined with the change in the weather, is wearing me down. All week I've been feeling kind of bleh in the mornings, but I'm a workaholic so I tell myself that I can't get sick till the weekend. Combined with liberal doses of vitamins, juice, tea and Airborne, this tactic usually works.

Note to self - better to be sick now than while traveling &/or during the cleanup...

(I'm hoping that putting it out there to the universe will keep me healthy when I need it most. Manifest health dammit.)

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interesting reverse parallel
Posted on: 10-22-2006 @ 08:51 pm

I just realized after reading others' stories here and on the yahoo site, that the path I chose as an adult is almost the exact opposite of a hoarder's downward spiral. As I see it, many hoarders start out as perfectionists with spotless homes and beautiful yards. Though they keep up the external facade as long as possible, internally their wiring gets crossed and over time they go from perfectionist to sloppy to messy to cluttered to hopelessly hoarding. In the extreme cases, they go all the way to squalor. Somewhere in between, appliances stop working and/or utilities are shut off. When I was a little kid I had a school desk with a lid at home. I filled it with drawings and coloring books and pens and pencils and crayons and
everything...and it became very messy.

Ironically, Mom decided to clean it up one day and I went ballistic - screaming and crying as she threw away my coloring books because I wasn't done with them yet, pulling pictures out of the trash because they were sentimental, etc. When Dad's problem got worse as I was a teenager, I went from a messy kid to an anal retentive clean freak.

My room was spotless, while the house around me fell apart. When I moved away from home, I could not tolerate a mess, and therefore burned through lots of roommates over the years. However, I clung to way too much sentimental crap through my various moves. When my hubby and I finally bought a house...we bought an old fixer-upper in the country on acreage. It took over a year of weekend warrior remodeling to rewire, clean the bat, rat, and mouse poo infested house, replace all the poo infested walls, floors, ceilings, etc. During that time we lived out of coolers and used space heaters to get us through, flushing with a bucket of water and showering outdoors with solar shower!!!!!! (starting to really see the reverse parallel here). Now the house is done and livable, but not totally detailed yet. So I went from sloppy to neat freak to living in primitive conditions to keeping a very clean, organized house while living in an ongoing remodel.

And now I'm going to (hopefully) stop my Dad's mess before he reverts to no plumbing and total squalor. All the things I did to live in my house are things that hoarders deteriorate to... Perhaps I did this *just* to be contrary to my upbringing...But I think more likely this path was necessary to get me to the intervention. I tend to find myself in the right place at the right time, and this site has liberated me soooo much just when I needed it most.

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the countdown begins...
Posted on: 10-25-2006 @ 12:11 am

...or should I say the countdown has begun and I'm getting very scared?

A little background, and acronyms to make my story less wordy:

-Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer in August. Her dying wish is
that Dad clean up his hoarding ways. She let him know this is no uncertain terms in the hospital after surgery. She wants to be able to have visitors in her home during her last days. (Or that was her original plan...time has led to many transparent excuses, but we'll get to that)

-Immediately after the diagnosis, I flew from my home in California, and my oldest sister (S1) and her husband (BIL1) flew from their home in the South to be with my parents, my other sister (S2) and her husband (BIL2) and their kids in the Midwest where we grew up -"home".

-To accomodate Mom's wish, S1, BIL1 and I devised a plan with the help and support of S2 and BIL2 to get a roll-off dumpster delivered to our parents' home. Since S1, BIL1 and I had to fly back to our homes, pets and jobs, S2 and BIL2 were going to "put on the gloves and make it happen." I offered to pay for the dumpster, and to hire any additional workers and follow-up cleaners since I couldn't be there to help at that time.

-I told Mom our plan while Dad wasn't around so she could choose how
and when we would break the news to him. The next day, before we left
for the airport for me to fly back to CA, S2, BIL2, the kids, my parents and I met at S2's house to caravan to the airport. Dad was very quiet, and when he got up to use the bathroom, I asked Mom if she told him what was going on. She had, and said Dad was "a very unhappy man right now." She told me she didn't want me to talk with him about it either.

-After returning home to CA, I would check with Mom as to Dad's progress. Dad thought he could go it alone, which we all knew was delusional. Over the weeks, now months, the progress has slowed to a halt, and according to Mom "We know it needs to be done, but right now we are focusing on me getting stronger and we'll deal with the cleanup later." As if Mom needs to clean up Dad's mess. But she's Catholic, therefore a martyr, and that will never change.

-I would buy Mom's story EXCEPT since August Dad has mowed the lawn
at church numerous times, patched the roof (that didn't need repair), and restained the trim around the garage (also unnecessary), but has only cleaned up to the point of burning some paper in the garden one day. And Mom has actually had one guest at the house...and she sat in the car with her in the driveway the whole time. That was what sent me over the edge.

-So, in September I called S2 and told her Dad was avoiding and therefore Mom needed our help to get this done and we were going to have to make it happen per our original plan. Mom was starting to make excuses, so this needs to happen before winter. Period. At this point, S2 backed out and is no longer willing to help.

-S1, BIL1, my husband (SO) and I agreed to do the intervention ourselves, without the knowledge of S2 and her family. Unfortunately, S1 has a work commitment during the only timeframe BIL1, SO and I can fly back there. However, S1 and BIL1 have organized, made hotel arrangements for everyone, and otherwise put all the pieces of this puzzle together. And purchased and packed new bedding, towels, and other things to make Mom comfortable in her soon-to-be de-garbaged home. So S1 is invaluable to the process even though she can't be there for the cleanup.

-SO actually did an intervention with his Mom's now ex-husband, so he's fully prepared and experienced. And I couldn't love him more for supporting me!!!!

Anyway, this all leads up to a phone call that must take place this Thursday night. In preparation, S1, BIL1 and I have been 3-way calling my parents the last few weekends to check in on Mom and to pave the way for the big intervention phone call, because I can't do it alone. I think Mom knows we are up to something because every time we call she says, "Oh, you're ganging up on me again?". Smart-ass runs in the family, but I think she is suspicious and this is her way of dealing.

So here's the outline of the phone call as I hope it goes:

-Small talk

-Mom, the reason we are calling is that you need our help.

Unfortunately Dad is not making the progess we hoped, so we have made
arrangements to put you and Dad up in a hotel for a few days while we
clean and organize the house for you. BIL1, SO and I are flying in next Friday afternoon. In order for our pre-paid, non-refundable arrangements to work properly, we need you and Dad to pack a bag for 3 or 4 nights, take it with you to your chemo appointment Friday morning, and go straight from your appointment to the hotel and check in.

We will come visit you at the hotel, and BIL1 is staying just a few rooms away. SO and I are staying at my best friend's house. Dad needs to stay with you, so we do not want him to try to help us as it will slow things down and we only have 3 days (god help us).

-We are leaving it up to you to decide if you want to tell Dad, or if you want us to break the news. We didn't tell you sooner because we didn't want you to have this weighing on your mind any longer than necessary.

AFTER THIS I DRAW A BLANK

I just don't know what happens next. Except the part where a week later SO and I hop on a plane and meet up with BIL1 who will have arrived just in time to have the dumpster delivered and get house and extra car keys from my parents.

Send good thoughts. I need them badly!

Comments posted about the above Journal entry:

Comment By: Donna
(Posted on 10-25-2006 @ 11:16 pm)

Comment:
Good luck! Good Luck! Good Luck!!!! I can't say it enough
infinitehope!!!! My dad died of cancer in a hoarded up room bedroom
downstairs (he hated my mom's hoarding with a passion). Thelivingroom
and kitchen were acceptable enough to have visitors come in to see
him, I recall, but the fact that he died in that room will never
leave me. (this was the master bedroom that they never used due to
the hoarding-it was padlocked!).

My mom finally cleared off the bed
when he couldn't get upstairs. The doctor had to go into that hoard
room to administer morphine the night he died. How EMBARASSING for my
father, who was military-neat. The hoarding kept my fathers family
from coming in our home, they weren't welcome, oh the list goes on- I
HATE hoarding!!!! Anyway, I guess I told you that to tell you how I
support so much what you are doing!!!!! I wish I was able to have
done that for my dad-I was only 18 though and had no clue others
hoarded at that point. HAD I known more, maybe my father would have
had more dignity in his final hours, I don't know.

I applaud what you are doing for your mom.
One thing that stood out though, is that it
seems to be putting a bit of pressure on her-please don't take this
the wrong way, as I'm only trying to help. But while they are at the
hotel, your dad may be so full of anxiety over what you guys will be
doing at the house, maybe he will be making your mom's life hard with
all his anxiety, like taking it out on her you think? If there a way
you can send them on a day trip or set them up with something that
will occupy your dad's mind rather than focusing on what is going on
at the house? Can your BIL take your dad away to shoot golf balls or
something, anything?

I am wishing you the bestest, bestest luck
infinitehope! I think you are doing the right thing and it's so good
you are doing it now. Will be there with you in spirit!! (My dad's
too!) :) Donna

Comment By: elizabeth
(Posted on 10-26-2006 @ 02:38 am)

Comment: I have all my fingers and toes and whatever else crossed for
you! I know how hard this is and it is so WONDERFUL that you guys
have been able to coordinate as much as you have... I have a similar
concern to what Donna expressed in her comment-- I wonder if putting
the emphasis on how you are doing it for your MOM is also putting a
lot of pressure on her, defining the situation too much as "Dad must
suffer for YOUR sake." The dynamics of every family are unique but I
know that my non-hoarding parent hates to be the fall guy, does NOT
want to be the cause of the hoarder's anxiety.

I just wonder if there
is a better way to explain the situation in a similarly
definitive "Sorry, you got no choice here, this is the way it is"
tone. It's true that when your mom is ill and people want to visit
her, that will be a huge pressure on your dad-- maybe it's worth
pointing that out to your mom, suggest that it's actually a favor to
your dad because he wouldn't really want to deprive her of guests at
the end of her life. I dunno, maybe that's a lame suggestion... it
really is a tough thing, I know.

However well you think you have it
worked out in your head, it's probably not going to happen as you
expect it will, but if you are LUCKY it might actually be EASIER. I
know my family cleaned out without my mom even knowing we were doing
it and we expected her to explode like a volcano when she came home.
She didn't and that was a GOOD surprise (it took her a few days to
reach boiling lava rage, but no explosions...haha). There are always
surprises and I hope that all of yours are the GOOD kind! GOOD LUCK!
Elizabeth

Comment By: infinitehope
(Posted on 10-27-2006 @ 12:26 am)

Comment: Thank you so so so so so much for all your good thoughts -
it helps me more than words can say. You are definitely both correct -
it is a lot of pressure to put on Mom. She has confronted Dad many
times over the years with no encouraging results. He promised her
when he retired that he would finally clean up, and 10 years later on
her deathbed he's still not motivated enough (I know that's not the
real reason, but that's sure what it feels like).

Thank goodness I
have my sister on this call with me. She's the oldest, and I'm the
baby, so she's the calm one and I'm the one who has to reign in
the "F word" on a regular basis : ) My sister will probably break the
news to Mom to be safe.

Problem is Dad won't leave Mom's side for
more than an hour, and we don't have "babysitters" lined up yet. And
Mom really isn't up to getting out and about because of the chemo and
pain meds and all that. Though we have 2 or 3 of Mom's dear friends
who we are calling this weekend so they can come visit them at the
hotel, or take them next door for lunch or dinner, or go with them to
church, or some other distractions.

Also, my other sister can, um,
get off her butt and visit them. Thought that's a whole nother can of
worms... One of the side effects of Mom's chemo is a bad acne-like
rash that means it's working. Unfortunately she has been using this
as her excuse for why people can't come see her. The denial issues
are huge, and I am deeply concerned about her mental health. And her
having to deal with Dad's mental health. But on the other hand,
they've been codependents in this dysfunctional marriage for almost
50 years...so arghhh!!!! My brain exploded! Kidding (sort of). It
just sucks, and I am so grateful to have support and feedback and not
be alone : ) : ) : )

Comment By: infinitehope
(Posted on 10-27-2006 @ 12:32 am)

Comment: I forgot to say that Dad is a major reader, so I bought him
the Overcoming book to read while we are doing the cleanup. And S1
and BIL1 are providing a DVD player for the room with lots of movies
to watch. And I'm sending a basket with flowers and goodies to be
there upon their arrival. And we intend to bring a couple boxes of
personal belongings each night to the hotel for them to go through so
they can be part of the process without getting in my way, er, I mean
without having to be present at the site of trauma.
Emily
- trying to dwell on the positive : )

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The call did not go well...
Posted on: 10-27-2006 @ 07:52 pm

I guess in the big picture, the call went pretty much exactly as expected. Which was badly, with good results in the end.

S1 and I had a preparatory call before the conference call to get comfortable with what we were going to say without being too scripted. When we called Mom, BIL1 was silently listening on another extension to provide objective 3rd party input after the call.

We started with small talk with Mom, who was having a really bad day.
She's usually so positive and doesn't let the cancer get her down, but she was feeling so weak yesterday that she had to give in to the hopeless thoughts and start thinking about whether or not to continue the chemo. Not the best time to break the news to her, but there would never be a good time really.

S1 segued into "Why we're calling you tonight is good news. BIL1, Emily, and her SO are flying out next Friday to see you. While they are there, we are putting you and Dad up in a hotel and the boys are going to be the muscle to get the house and entryway cleaned up so it's more comfortable for you..."

And then things fell apart. Dad was in the background and figured out what was going on. He started freaking out and screaming "Nobody is coming in my house! I do not need anyone's help with this! I will do it myself and no one is coming in this house!!!!" Blah blah blah, more crazy yelling, the words aren't important because, well, you all can relate to the irrational behavior, or course :)

Mom started to argue that they just would not go to the hotel, that she would stay in the bedroom and Dad would be there to direct the cleanup. S1 and I made it clear that that was not an option, the room is already paid for and non-refundable, we're going to have the house open to the elements in freezing cold Midwestern November, we are going to stir up tons of dust, and Dad simply needs to stay with her to take care of her after chemo. Dad was still yelling, and screamed "I WILL LEAVE YOU FOREVER IF YOU DO THIS..." So I (bravely, foolishly?) asked Mom to put Dad on the phone but he would not pick up. She wasn't close enough to the base to turn on the speaker phone, so she kicked his sorry ass out of the bedroom and we continued to talk.

Based on our lifetime of experience with Dad's mental illness, we know this is SOP and that he curled up in fetal position on the couch and probably is still there. He will calm down over the next few days, and we HOPE he will cave in and do as Mom wishes, because...

...we spent the next 45 minutes discussing exactly how she'd like things handled - throw out all the crap in the garage and attic first, then organize and box up all the stuff in the house and transfer it to the newly cleaned garage and attic. So clearly she has planned for this all along, and was just dreading the other shoe dropping. By the end of the conversation she was telling us how her good friend who she's confided in will be helping her at the hotel, and her cousin will be in charge of organizing Mom's bedroom, and BIL2 will help with the muscle, etc. (Oh yeah, we made it clear that
S2 and BIL2 were *not* involved in our plans whatsoever...)

So now we have to figure out how to tranquilize Dad so he stays the hell out of our way. Joking, kind of. If only there was a legal way to accomplish this!

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Wait, wait, GOOD update!!!!!!!
Posted on: 10-27-2006 @ 09:25 pm

Just got a call from S1. Mom called her this morning and said:

1. She's feeling tons better today (we both think it's the weight off her mind, at least partially)

2. Dad started cleaning this morning (!!!!!!!!)

3. Her close friend and confidante is going to stay in the hotel with her......which means

4. Dad is helping with the cleanup

NOT thrilled about #4, but I'll take what I can get. Mom just asks that I don't trip out on him, and I can agree to that since my doctor just doubled my dose of Z0l0ft to get me through this hell. I'll just smile and toss, smile and toss, smile and toss, repeat ad infinitum.

Comments on above journal entry:

Comment By: Donna
(Posted on 10-27-2006 @ 10:27 pm)

Wow! Well, Ok...I'm glad your mom will have her friend there
at the hotel, that's probably going to be so much better for your
mom, with the anxiety your did will surely have.

Now....about YOUR
anxiety with your dad being there to help: gulp! Well, I wish you the
BEST with that-that will be a challenge, but you know that already.
Can you get an OUTSIDER to be present that your dad respects or would
never throw a fit in front of? Someone who can bring him back down
when his anxiety reaches astonomic levels so he won't "go off" on you
and anyone else?

Ok, think ahead...what project can you give your
dad, that won't look like a "set-up", that will get him to an area
where he will have limited visuals of what you guys will be doing?
What about something like "dad, you really have to sort through all
the tools because there are way too many, we plan to get rid of some
and need to know what you want to keep....of course he'll want to
keep them all, but having too many tools is never a bad thing (well,
in some cases). Something like that-a task that he will get all
absorbed in because it's really important, but it will keep him out
of your way and micromanaging you all. Just a thought. Turkey
sandwiches for lunch-get that Turkey chemical in him so he's too
tired to fight. Semi-joking there but hey! Good luck
infinitehope!!!!! Keep us updated. This is going to be really good
for your mom! :)

Comment By: infinitehope
(Posted on 10-28-2006 @ 12:10 am)

So far Dad has never thrown a fit in front of his son-in-
laws, and two, possibly all three of them will be there. So there is
hope. Ironically, he probably has anxiety over knowing that he can't
flip out in front of them at this point. Remember that he has no idea
BIL1 was on the call last night...

I LOVE the turkey sandwich idea!
You are getting very sleepy...in fact, Dad is the type that if he
sits down on the couch for more than 5 minutes he falls asleep.
Hoping to work that in our favor. I am so relieved that we are over
the first big hurdle and moving forward. And that Mom has gone from
thinking she was literally at death's door yesterday to feeling good
today - both physically and emotionally. This removes the albatross
she's been weighed down with for decades.

Comment By: Donna
(Posted on 10-28-2006 @ 01:26 am)

Comment: Too bad you didn't have time to have tee shirts made: ABC
Company Albatross Bagging Crew Hoping the forcefield your BIL's have
will protect you too! :) Donna

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I am a dingaling today....
Posted on: 10-30-2006 @ 09:24 pm

I accidentally posted this in the ONLY CHILDREN OF HOARDERS thread.
Don't know what I was thinking. Therefore, I will blame it on underlying stress - heh!!!!

Anyway, here's what I said:

Very interesting...

I am the youngest of 3 daughters (S1 = 45, S2 = 43 and me = 36) and
we have a hoarding father (72) and a terminally ill mother (69) living in a house that only the 43 year-old daughter has seen in the last 15+ years...and she lives a block away from Mom and Dad.

My SO (we're not married, but may as well be) is extremely supportive. His Mom was married to a jackass who spent all her money hoarding up her condo with power tools and other toys that he never used. SO, his 2 brothers, 1 of his sisters and her husband all got a dumpster when his Mom finally had enough (this took about 10 years of near-interventions), and emptied the condo of JA's crap while he whined and tried like mad to keep anything he could. Sadly, they literally threw away thousands of $$ worth of brand new power tools STILL IN THE BOX just to get rid of the bad energy so their Mom could divorce the lout. My wonderful SO is helping me with this Friday's intervention with my Dad.

S1 is just awesome and totally supportive, but due to an unbreakable work commitment she won't be joining us. But her husband, BIL1 is flying out to join SO and I on our scary adventure. The 4 of us have been talking about this by phone since Mom put her foot down in August. And S1 and I used to discuss it every once in a while.

S2 was going to help, but backed out of it (more detail in my journal - there are logical as well as selfish reasons for her reaction). Therefore we are leaving the door open for S2 and BIL2, but don't anticipate getting much, if any support from them.

My best friend is the only person my parents and I ever let stay in the house. This was years ago - I was 18 and getting ready to move out to the West Coast with BF. She has been my #1 confidante for years and truly understands.

At this point, everyone I work with and all my friends know Mom is dying. I've gotten over the shame of Dad's hoarding, and now I'm fed up and determined to honor Mom's dying wish, so I have told almost every one of them about it. And it turns out most of them know or are related to a hoarder. Every time I tell the story to someone new, the grip of shame and fear is released a little bit more...it's a wonderful, liberating change, and I hope Mom finally can enjoy the peace and cleanliness she deserves after all these years of frustration.

Comment By: Donna
(Posted on 10-31-2006 @ 10:18 pm)

Comment: Good for you for releasing the shame!! yay!

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keep moving forward
Posted on: 10-31-2006 @ 09:42 pm

I broke the news to BIL2 yesterday afternoon. He was not surprised as he originally helped me organize my thoughts on how to make this intervention happen. But he was amazed that his wife, S2, had opted out of helping clean up. Apparently she didn't mention that conversation to him. Her concern is primarily that if Mom needs an ambulance, the EMTs will turn them in, the house will be condemned, and Mom and Dad will be homeless.

(To clarify, my parents' money situation has always been fine - thank goodness - so "homeless" isn't even a remote possibility. S2 should be thinking more like "institutionalized", but that's neither here nor there, and as we know from common experience, extremely unlikely.)

I told BIL2 that even if our parents were turned in to the authorities, it wouldn't be the first time. S1 had to deal with the health department showing up at our doorstep at least once. Many years ago, but still...This all surprised him too.

Anyway, BIL2 is on board, so now we have more muscle to speed up the
process.

I also spoke with Mom's dear friend and confidante last night. I think I thanked her 400 million times. I have to call Mom today to clarify the details, but her friend says she's going to stay at the hotel with Mom during the day while Dad is cleaning with us - so does this mean Dad's staying with Mom at night? Or I am? Not sure yet. Also she is willing to help however we need it. Which is good because we need to get Dad away from the house when the dumpster is delivered so he doesn't go psychotic or try to send it away.

What fun adventures hoarding has added to my life experience. Puts the "fun" in dysfunctional!

More soon. We hop on the plane Friday morning, but I should have internet access while travelling so definitely will update as much as possible while it's fresh in my mind. I want to look back on this someday and sigh a humongous breath of relief. And laugh!!! Whee!

Comment By: Donna
(Posted on 10-31-2006 @ 10:21 pm)

oh, you fly out on Friday, glad to know... Will look forward
to hearing how it is going and being there with you! I hope knowing
we are all here will help you when you are cleaning. It sure helped
me when I was at my mom's in August. You are doing the right thing!!!
I know I've told you that 90 times already...

Comment By: nashbabe
(Posted on 11-02-2006 @ 07:11 am)

Take lots of "before" pictures. You may well need them later
for a competency hearing. I hate to say that, but do I sound like I
have been through this junk? Also, you may want to read "dear
C.R.A.P.P.Y." columns about the nuts and bolts of major cleanouts, as
well as information about post-intervention stress as we who have
been down this road have experienced. Praying for you...I've been
there, please let us know if we can be of support to you.

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emotional rollercoaster
Posted on: 11-01-2006 @ 02:37 am

I called Mom a little while ago to check in and wrap up some loose ends before our travels. She sounded really good, but is very weak and shaky. It breaks my heart because she is talking like she's really close to the end.

I wanted to clarify if Dad is spending the nights with her at the hotel, or her good friend, or who exactly? She really needs someone there at all times to help with medication and food and comfort. We didn't come to a final conclusion, but I might just be spending my nights with her. Which is fine. I really need to be with her away from the house so we are both comfortable.

I guess Dad has calmed down a bit. Mom thinks he's more rational and
will be easier to work with than she originally anticipated. She said he's crying a lot, and didn't think I would have an easy time with that. I reminded her that I've seen him cry many times over the years, and most often when he was confronted with cleaning up the mess or anything else that would paralyze him with indecision.

Her blood work and chemo appointments on Friday almost guarantee Dad
will not be at the house when the dumpster arrives. Though Mom doesn't think it matters one way or the other - BIL and I would prefer not to risk a meltdown. She told me she's going to have Dad move the truck so SO and I have a vehicle, and something to haul off stuff that can't go in the dumpster.

I thanked her for allowing us to do this. So everything is good, but bad, and better, but worse.

A part of the conversation I didn't understand:

"You're going to see some things you never would have imagined."
(What, I lived in that hellhole for 18 years? Nothing could surprise me. Plus you don't have any pets. Jeez louise.)

Anyway, meh. I am drained.

Comment By: Donna
(Posted on 11-01-2006 @ 09:34 am)

Comment: Hang in there infinitehope! When things feel like they are
falling apart, they are really falling together. Donna

Comment By: nashbabe
(Posted on 11-02-2006 @ 07:13 am)

Comment: Don't bet on him being easier to handle. He will likely be
extremely protective of the hoard. Keep your emotional walls in place
if at all possible. Just my 2.5 cents.

Comment By: infinitehope
(Posted on 11-03-2006 @ 01:15 am)

Comment: Nashbabe - very good point. I think what we have working in
our favor is I'll be the only daughter present, and he will have to
decide whether or not to flip out in front of his sons-in-law. I'm
hoping the pressure of not wanting to lose face on that level will
keep him quiet. Otherwise I'm inclined to slip a few benadryls in his
lunch...Was that out loud? Ooops, that was supposed to stay inside my
head - ha!

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It's almost time
Posted on: 11-03-2006 @ 01:28 am

25 hours from now SO and I will be getting off the plane and entering
a new dimension.

Yay for anti-Ds! Yay for incredibly supportive people in my world!
Boo cancer! Boo Dad's mental illness!

And an abbreviated version of the Serenity Prayer:
Serenity Now Dammit! And keep breathing : )

Comment By: Donna
(Posted on 11-03-2006 @ 04:11 am)

Comment: You sound armed and ready...good luck, be strong, let things
roll off you, don't take them personal-focus on the task....like
norse /nashbabe say: "Clear floor! Clear floor!" Will be thinking of
you and hoping all will go as good as it possibly can!

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so far so good!
Posted on: 11-05-2006 @ 06:06 am

Well hello! So far everything has gone well. The house was FAR worse than I expected, but we managed to sneak a lot of "before" photos for whatever future possible reasons...

Per Mom's request, we started with the garage. BIL2 and S2 showed up about 45 minutes after we started, and Dad, though not fully on board, cooperated as much as possible. Mostly he stayed busy with a burn pile in the back yard. This was his way of contributing, since he could tell the3 32 yard dumpster was going to fill up fast and felt he was saving space by burning paper and wood, etc...whatever works.

Once we got Dad focused, I scooted over to the entryway and front porch while the guys muscled through the garage and kept Dad distracted from me...I cleared the porch for the 1st time in my LIFE which felt so wonderful! Then we took a break and called Mom to check in. She authorized me to get rid of certain stuff in the house, so as soon as Dad went back to the burn pile S2 and I went inside and started filling buckets and moving them to the dumpster as quickly as possible to avoid detection : )

And then we went to town clearing enough of a path in the house to get through with buckets. It took hours, and we only cleared a bit, but made enough progress that the inertia is irreversible. Dad and I fought a little bit, and I definitely threw away stuff he wanted to keep (and lied about it of course), but we are moving FORWARD.

And we found the floor in more than 3/4 of the garage! And I widened the f**ked up goat paths considerably (I honestly didn't think it was that bad). And the stove, well, we will get there so it's usable again. And Dad and I cried a bit, and fought a bit, and I could not bite my tongue with the F word, but Dad is staying here at the hotel with Mom tonight, so we are still moving FORWARD.

Tomorrow is another day...inside the house. The dumpster is full so we have to start "organizing" into clear crates with lids and moving it out to the garage while we wait for a new dumpster to be delivered.

I have to say, I have the best SO, siblings, and BILs on the planet.
To work with me on this, that is a freaking miracle. And you all here on the boards are wonderful. Thank you more than I can ever communicate in words.

Comment By: Donna
(Posted on 11-05-2006 @ 06:17 pm)

Comment: Keep at it infinitehope!! Good job! Thanks for the update
when you must be sooooo exhausted! :) Donna

Comment By: Elizabeth
(Posted on 11-06-2006 @ 02:19 pm)

Comment: *WOW*! is all I can say! IT sounds like some kind of miracle
that you are able to accomplish this with your dad THERE! I am sure
you're right that it makes a big difference to have your siblings'
support. WOW. Good luck with the rest!

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